Timeline for Atheist/agnostic form of expressing condolences
Current License: CC BY-SA 3.0
21 events
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| Jun 28, 2014 at 21:32 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | Since apparently the notion that some people misuse what is meant to be consolatory words to display condescension is very controversial (and admittedly also more relevant in contexts that are not to do with offering condolences and thus somewhat immaterial to the question), I’ve decided to completely remove any reference to it. | |
| Jun 28, 2014 at 21:28 | history | edited | Janus Bahs Jacquet | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
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| Jun 27, 2014 at 20:52 | comment | added | DA. | context is important. "You are in our prayers" in the context of condolences is typically a sincere expression. But yes, the phrase can also be used in different context in a condescending manner. | |
| Jun 27, 2014 at 20:50 | history | edited | Janus Bahs Jacquet | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
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| Jun 27, 2014 at 20:46 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | @phenry That’s exactly the point: most of the times I have heard people use phrases like “You’ll be in my prayers” or “I will pray for you”, it has not been in offering condolences. Those people were acting in a derogatory manner, using their prayers as a weapon (“I’m not saying what you’re doing is wrong … but I’ll be praying for the redemption of your lost soul”). In what I have experienced of prayer-based statements, these far outnumber the “You’ll be in my thoughts” ones. (Edited to—hopefully—clarify again.) | |
| Jun 27, 2014 at 20:12 | comment | added | phenry | @JanusBahsJacquet - I've had to turn my upvote into a downvote with your "bigoted people in a derogatory manner" addition, which I believe is more a reflection of your own cultural preconceptions than of reality. In my experience, people offering condolences choose whatever language they believe the recipient will find comforting, and I can't imagine that being more or less true in the US than in any other part of the world. | |
| Jun 27, 2014 at 18:33 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | @TecBrat I've updated the answer to clarify that I am only talking about my own personal experience. | |
| Jun 27, 2014 at 18:32 | history | edited | Janus Bahs Jacquet | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
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| Jun 27, 2014 at 17:52 | comment | added | TecBrat | I upvoted for the first part of your answer, but the part about sinners is way off. | |
| Jun 26, 2014 at 17:45 | comment | added | ErikE | @JamesRyan I can see what you're saying, I just really don't like stock phrases. Is it possible, though to actually say what you'd really like them to get, using words that are a little different each time? Cribbing from your words, how about "I wish I could comfort you some way. Losing X is a great loss. You don't have to do a thing." I don't know... I just don't like formulaic well-wishing. | |
| Jun 26, 2014 at 16:25 | comment | added | JamesRyan | @ErikE The point of a stock phrase is because in this situation people don't know what to say and in fact there usually is nothing they can say that is actually comforting. It means you can acknowledge their loss and grief without adding a burden that they might feel like they have to buck up or act greatful. It is deliberately unimportant because this is a time for them. | |
| Jun 26, 2014 at 7:14 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | @Erik That's a lot more like what I'd actually say—but I took the question to be asking for commonly used formulas, rather than freestyling. | |
| Jun 26, 2014 at 2:01 | comment | added | ErikE | "I'm sorry for your loss" seems so trite and overused, to me. How about getting away from the formulaic precise phrase and just speaking from the heart? How about, "I can't imagine what you're going through, and wish I could help you somehow. I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm here for you if there's any way I can help."? Okay, maybe you don't want to say all that, but can you not find some way to speak from the heart? | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 21:51 | vote | accept | amphibient | ||
| Jun 25, 2014 at 20:29 | comment | added | Kristina Lopez | @JanusBahsJacquet, in this brave new world of "anonymous" interaction with strangers on social media, I have seen the use of prayer as a cudgel with which to beat someone over the head, too. Between friends and loved ones however, "you and your family are in my prayers" is not interpreted as praying for their sins, rather, it's praying for strength and comfort to endure their loss. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 20:04 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | @Rynant I am guessing that’s because I’m neither American nor religious. I have mostly seen it used on the Internet, and especially in contexts where someone perhaps a bit too religious says it to someone who leads a lifestyle they do not condone (rallies against gay marriage or gay pride, etc.), but do not wish to come off like someone from the Westboro Baptist Church. I am not surprised that it is used genuinely, too; but my own personal experience has unfortunately mainly been of the “I will pray for your poor soul that you are flouting so shamelessly” sense. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 19:58 | comment | added | Rynant | @JanusBahsJacquet, I'm surprised you would associate "You(r family) will be in my prayers" with something one would say to someone they considered a sinner. I and others I know say it because we are praying for the needs and comfort of those suffering loss, and it is often said to others of the same faith. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 16:33 | comment | added | John Lawler | If you feel blessed, you got a blessing. Anybody can feel blessed without invoking anything blessèd. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 16:25 | comment | added | Janus Bahs Jacquet | @John They are—but I doubt most people would consider them atheist or agnostic. I’m fairly sure I’ve heard people say, “May his/her memory be a comfort” (or something very similar to that); that would be more secular, but presumably based on the same formula. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 16:21 | comment | added | John Lawler | I have found the American Jewish formula "May his/her memory be a blessing" helpful; it's certainly something anyone would wish and expresses one's own memories and feelings. Blessings, after all, are personal matters. | |
| Jun 25, 2014 at 16:09 | history | answered | Janus Bahs Jacquet | CC BY-SA 3.0 |