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What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you are free to do what you believe to be the right thing?

This answer is based on the possibly completely wrong assumption that your father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not necessarily as bad as it sounds. People with NPD can be charming, funny, fun to be with people. Or they can be very difficult. There are actually five subgroups of NPD, and how a narcissist behaves depends on the specific group they're in. So. Take this with whatever caveat is applicable.

Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter, I'm not going to navigate a fine line. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work. Explanations won't work, so advising this tack would be, well, bad advice.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because Narcissists are never wrong. But he put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that and believe it, his blame will not affect you as strongly.

You are doing the right thing by protecting your mother. If he can't or won't understand that, that's his problem.

_{I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. Also, I've lived with two people with NPD (one was my father) and have had up-close and personal, painful experiences with them. From a clinical viewpoint, they are fascinating people to observe and I have a special interest in NPD. Please feel free to DV and comment if this is off track.}

What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you are free to do what you believe to be the right thing, what would you do?

This answer is based on the possibly completely wrong assumption that your father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not necessarily as bad as it sounds. People with NPD can be charming, funny, fun to be with people. Or they can be very difficult. Or both. There are actually five subtypes of NPD in the DSM-5, and how a narcissist behaves depends on the specific group they're in. So. Take this with whatever caveat is applicable.

Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter, I'm not going to navigate a fine line. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work. Explanations won't work, so advising this tack would be, well, in my opinion bad advice.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because Narcissists are never wrong. But he put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that and believe it, his blame will not affect you as much.

I believe you are doing the right thing by protecting your mother. If he can't or won't understand that, that's his problem.

_{I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. Also, I've lived with two people with NPD (one was my father) and have had up-close and personal, painful experiences with them. From a clinical viewpoint, they are fascinating people to observe and I have a special interest in NPD. Please feel free to DV and comment if this is off track.}

What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you were free to do what you believed to be the right thing?

Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work, so advising that would be, well, bad advice.

If that's not helpful, here's my advice. (Or analysis.)

Your father doesn't understand boundaries. As someone without empathy, he has absolutely no idea of what your mother actually wants, even if she spells it out in capital letters, even if she hires a skywriter to write in the sky, because, as you stated so well, he can't imagine that what he wants isn't the same thing as what someone else wants.

In other words, he only sees the world, ever, from his own emotional perspective; in his world, no one else really exists independently of him.

Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the [x] - are not considered individuals in their own right by the [x] - but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the [x].

Tell your mother. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (if you are close, distant, or somewhere near the middle), but wherever you are, she has suffered enough, and if you care about her (or you wouldn't be asking), let her nip this thing in the bud.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because he's never wrong. Oh, well. He put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that often enough, and believe it, his blame will not affect you as strongly.

Tell him for the future that he should never - never - put you in the middle of your mother and him, that you will never allow it.

If he still wants to visit, and you still want to see him, that's fine. Work out whatever suits the two of you.

_{I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. I'm sorry to be so blunt.}

What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you are free to do what you believe to be the right thing?

This answer is based on the possibly completely wrong assumption that your father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not necessarily as bad as it sounds. People with NPD can be charming, funny, fun to be with people. Or they can be very difficult. There are actually five subgroups of NPD, and how a narcissist behaves depends on the specific group they're in. So. Take this with whatever caveat is applicable.

Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter, I'm not going to navigate a fine line. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work. Explanations won't work, so advising this tack would be, well, bad advice.

If your father has NPD, this is what I would recommend.

Your father doesn't understand boundaries. He has probably heard your mom's wish not to interact with him, but he doesn't believe it's really what she wants, because, as you stated so well, he can't imagine that what he wants isn't the same thing as what someone else wants.

In other words, he only sees the world from his own emotional perspective; in his world, no one else really exists independently of him.

Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the Narcissist - are not considered individuals in their own right by the Narcissist - but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the Narcissist.

Tell your mother. 

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (if you are close, distant, or somewhere near the middle), but wherever you are, she has suffered enough, and if you care about her (or you wouldn't be asking), let her nip this thing in the bud.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because Narcissists are never wrong. But he put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that and believe it, his blame will not affect you as strongly.

Tell him for the future that he should never - never - put you in the middle of your mother and him, that you will never allow it. That might not solve anything for the future, but at least you can say you warned him.

If he still wants to visit, and you still want to see him, that's great. Work out whatever suits the two of you.

_{I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. Also, I've lived with two people with NPD (one was my father) and have had up-close and personal, painful experiences with them. From a clinical viewpoint, they are fascinating people to observe and I have a special interest in NPD. Please feel free to DV and comment if this is off track.}

What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts, the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you were free to do what you believed to be the right thing?

Do that.

If that's not helpful, here's my advice. (Or analysis.)

Your father doesn't understand boundaries. As someone without empathy, he has absolutely no idea of what your mother actually wants, even if she spells it out in capital letters, even if she hires a skywriter to write in the sky, because, as you stated so well, he can't imagine that what he wants isn't the same thing as what someone else wants.

In other words, he only sees the world, ever, from his own emotional perspective; in his world, no one else really exists independently of him.

Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the [x] - are not considered individuals in their own right by the [x] - but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the [x].

This is very painful to people who depend emotionally on him in any significant way in a long term relationship. Your mother decided to end this pain by cutting off contact unless it was absolutely necessary or for your benefit (your wedding.)

Tell your mother. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (if you are close, distant, or somewhere near the middle), but wherever you are, she has suffered enough, and if you care about her (or you wouldn't be asking), let her nip this thing in the bud.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because he's never wrong. Oh, well. He put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that often enough, and believe it, his blame will not affect you as strongly.

If you recognize that you are being presented with a “no-win” or a “lose-lose” type of scenario by a person with a Personality Disorder, it is helpful to understand that the source of the conflict and anguish is their own mental health, not you.

You are doing the right thing by protecting your mother. If he can't or won't understand that, that's his problem.

Tell him for the future that he should never - never - put you in the middle of your mother and him, that you will never allow it.

If he still wants to visit, and you still want to see him, that's fine. Work out whatever suits the two of you.

_{How, you might ask, am I so certain of my advice? I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. Although I've never met him, I would bet my house that if he were to go into therapy - which almost never happens with this particular disorder - my hunch and the psychiatrist's diagnosis would be the same. I'm sorry to be so blunt.}

What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you were free to do what you believed to be the right thing?

Do that.

Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work, so advising that would be, well, bad advice.

If that's not helpful, here's my advice. (Or analysis.)

Your father doesn't understand boundaries. As someone without empathy, he has absolutely no idea of what your mother actually wants, even if she spells it out in capital letters, even if she hires a skywriter to write in the sky, because, as you stated so well, he can't imagine that what he wants isn't the same thing as what someone else wants.

In other words, he only sees the world, ever, from his own emotional perspective; in his world, no one else really exists independently of him.

Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the [x] - are not considered individuals in their own right by the [x] - but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the [x].

This is very painful to people who depend emotionally on him in any significant way in a long term relationship. Your mother decided to end this pain by cutting off contact unless it was absolutely necessary or for your benefit (your wedding.)

Tell your mother. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (if you are close, distant, or somewhere near the middle), but wherever you are, she has suffered enough, and if you care about her (or you wouldn't be asking), let her nip this thing in the bud.

Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because he's never wrong. Oh, well. He put you in a no win situation. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that often enough, and believe it, his blame will not affect you as strongly.

If you recognize that you are being presented with a “no-win” or a “lose-lose” type of scenario by a person with a Personality Disorder, it is helpful to understand that the source of the conflict and anguish is their own mental health, not you.

You are doing the right thing by protecting your mother. If he can't or won't understand that, that's his problem.

Tell him for the future that he should never - never - put you in the middle of your mother and him, that you will never allow it.

If he still wants to visit, and you still want to see him, that's fine. Work out whatever suits the two of you.

_{I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. I'm sorry to be so blunt.}