Every year, millions of couples participate in a ritual of patriarchal oppression unconsciously. Even many feminist women who don’t quite think about what they’re enacting as they go through the motions of what is ‘tradition’ or expected of them.

Its not marriage itself that is the problem, getting married was one of the best decisions I have ever made, and it totally took me by surprise because I was never the ‘marriage type’ (much more of a punk ‘fuck that hallmark BS kinda gal)... The issue is that the things we call tradition in wedding ceremonies almost all have deeply problematic roots, and enacting rituals and ceremonies are a form of embodied magic. The gestures, symbology, practices and customs all contribute to what we are engraining into our union, and we can be setting the stage for an empowering coming together of equals in love, or we can be unconsciously creating oppression and domination through our actions, ritualizing old paradigm dynamics that keep their power tethered to this earth and our relationships.

For those who do not yet know, matriarchy is not ‘women ruling over men’ but equality and family-centered societies that are about co-operation and co-creation instead of domination and hierarchy. Humans are naturally matriarchal and patriarchy is related to scarcity and a maladapted trauma response. When I say matriarchal marriage I mean a true union of equals, a sacred union which is not based on ownership or possession but of sovereign beings coming together to co-create a life.

We do rituals and ceremonies to have a transformational affect on our psyches, and most people are symbolically continuing the oppression of women and calling it romance. When we perform a ritual or ceremony we speak to the deep subconscious and we go through a process with an intentional outcome. A ritualist or ceremony guide knows that each step speaks to a different part of us, and so much of this is below the typical conscious mind. Is it any wonder that so many marriages end in abuse when the practices they ritualized came from a place of abuse?

Its been over 2 years since my wedding, and I have been meaning to share an article breaking down what we did and why for quite some time. I am a ritualist, I create rituals in my retreats, trainings and containers for a living — so I of course wanted to go deep into the ritual of the wedding and design something that aligned with the love and intentions of what this union means to me/us.

I also spend a lot of my time talking about liberation, empowerment, breaking out of the old paradigm of domination and patriarchy BS and inviting people into the new love paradigm. So of course I ruthlessly questioned every part of the ritual symbology and practices I was participating in on the journey, and stripped out everything that felt oppressive or unaligned. I am also Aquarius AF, and my husband is Sagittarius AF (both with 4 planets in each), and the union of these 2 rebellious signs definitely called for something unconventional, fun, unique and powerful.

We called our wedding LOVEFEST and ran it as a mini festival to celebrate all things love, not just our own. I am going to now share with you the process and all we learned and questioned along the way, what we did differently and why, to give the world some inspiration on how we did it and why you can break all the rules and have a wonderful time in the process.

Also it’s a perfect reason to actually post these amazing photos from the wedding that are sitting around not being shown off nearly enough!

Why even get married?

For some people this might be obvious, for others (like past me) it might be a bit more of an inquiry. Isn’t it some patriarchal ownership document anyway?

Tristen and I are both queer, non-monogamous (though definitely more leaning mono now more than ever) feminists who are Tantrikas and deeply spiritual, yet in the arty-weirdo way rather than the spiritual-identity kinda way. 2 Years into our relationship we did a handfasting ritual and committed to a year bound together (I called it my ‘Triss-flix subscription) as a way to deepen our relationship which had been a little one-foot-in, one-foot-out vibes for too long before that. After some deep shadow work processes on a retreat, I realised the passion and romance I craved couldn’t emerge without going ‘all in’, and we both wanted to see what this union could be if we stepped all the way in to it.

We found the commitment to be so powerful that it kick-started another honeymoon period, created deep security within our dynamic as well as the passion and squishy love we both really wanted but were too avoidant to admit to. It actually felt more freeing than caging to commit, especially since we were still very ‘polysensual’ at the time and free to have intimacy with others. We renewed the year commitment after that year.

During the next year we had a possibility of living in Europe together managing a retreat center, and realised if we were doing that, we should get married legally for visa reasons. The conversation on marriage wasn’t very romantic at first, it was kind of what I’d always imagined — marriage for visa and practicality, not for any romantic ideals. Though, as I talked to a mentor about it, I uncovered deeper desires to be fully romantic and squishy about it — to let our profound love radiate out into our families and community, to be truly witnessed in the depths of what we had together and to really become family with this human who was my favourite human in the world. To us, that was actually at the front of the why — to be officially family. As 2 ‘black sheep’ types, we were very much on our own path in life. To be truly recognised as family felt important and worthwhile.

Also, weddings are one of those milestones that creates a reason to celebrate love and bring people together, and that’s my soul work in life. What other occasions are people willing to fly across the country for that bring people together like this? And since I love event planning, rituals and getting creative with events, so it felt like a fun project to explore.

Which brings us to the journey from engagement to marriage.

TRADITION 1: ENGAGEMENT RINGS AND GESTURES.

Did you know engagement rings were actually a type of dowry originally? The man gave a woman an expensive ring to essentially take her off the market.. as a promise of commitment. It was also possibly they might be naughty before the wedding and she may end up ‘deflowered’ (and thus ‘devalued’ in the market) because of an engagement, so the ring was like a collateral if he bailed and left her heart broken and unwanted by others.

We also wondered — why did only she get a ring? Why does he have to ask? (if you’re hetero of course, gays are free of that expectation!)

I was the one who initially proposed we get married for visas (since I am the one with dual citizenship) and it was very unromantic and awkward (in a campervan in a parking lot… and if you know me I’m quite the awkward potato when it comes to things like this or flirting). We were then passing through Paris and decided to ask each other to marry each other a bunch of times in cute places so we could have some more fun stories to tell of our engagement. We went and bought ‘engagement jewelry’ together (I got a nose ring which i lost after fracturing my nose on a dance floor a few weeks later.. and Triss got an earring). So we both had some bling and both asked each other romantically different times.

I love that it’s becoming more of a trend for women to ask their partners, rather than waiting to be asked. Because let’s be real — more often women are more clear of what they want and why in this regard, and while the romantic notion of being surprised and chosen is sweet, why isn’t it sweet also to be brave and bold and connected to the profound love in your heart and to the act of choosing them? In animals mating rituals usually the male impresses and the female who then chooses her mate. A sexy, powerful, amazing woman choosing her partner and saying yes, you are amazing and worthy and I will have you.... that is actually pretty hot and empowering. The fear of rejection is real on either side, but any person brave enough to share their heart and longing deserves some credit!

We did decide to do wedding rings (even though that was a question mark since we were more open in our relationship at the time, and didn’t want rings to say ‘Hey don’t flirt with me!’ to others) because it felt like a tradition of symbology (eternal love with no start and end) that we did resonate with.

THE DRESS

Why white? In the West it’s just a given that the bride will wear white, though many Eastern cultures have a range of colour options. I decided to look into the origins of the choice, especially since it was usually referred to as ‘Virgin White’ (and surprise surprise, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married!)

Turns out this started with Queen Victoria. “Royal brides before Victoria did not typically wear white, instead choosing "heavy brocaded gowns embroidered with white and silver thread," with red being a particularly popular colour in Western Europe more generally”. The famous quote about why is "It is an emblem of the purity and innocence of girlhood and the unsullied heart she now yields to the chosen one." It was also linked to wealth, as especially back then it was very hard to keep a gown pristine white, and it was not something you could re-use, while a different coloured gown could be used for other occasions.

Red was popular both in the East and West before this time (and still to this day in India and some other parts of Asia) and is associated with love, passion and the divine feminine. In Tantra, Shakti is connected to the Red Bindu, and the female essence. White is the light of pure consciousness, or Shiva. This is why you see many Indian brides in Red and the men in White.

Gold is another popular colour, associated with the heart, wealth, prosperity and power.

I opted to represent my fierce, Shakti nature—to represent love and eros and my divine female blood by wearing red. People automatically assumed my dress was Indian or we were having an Indian wedding because of this, even though I designed the dress to be more of a classical western style. A lot of our wedding was the merging of East and West, both since we live in Asia and practice spiritual traditions of the East, and because Tristen is half Chinese/Malay.

Getting my dress made in Bali ended up one hell of a shit-show drama, but I won’t go into that here. I was glad on the day that I did opt for real silk, even if it conflicted with my ethics (sorry silk worms!), because the wedding was 43 degrees and I would have died in synthetic. I eventually cut the dress and turned it into a skirt and top I wear at Temples and events.

Triss did get his outfit from an Indian shop because lets be real — they have some of the coolest fashion for weddings and most stuff made for men is just boring AF. He had to match me, of course ;)

BEFORE THE WEDDING

We didn’t do 'bachelor’ or ‘bachelorette’ parties, which also have some iffy roots but can be done intentionally. I guess working as a stripper for 10 years I had more than enough of them and especially the trope of ‘My last night of freedom before the ball and chain comes on!’. I was disgusted by the way some men talked about their upcoming wedding, how they were grieving and sad to be ‘tied down’… like, why even bother?

Turns out this is part of the origins of Batchelor parties - A grieving ritual for their last freedoms before they are ‘shackled’ to a woman (poor her) and a way to re-assert the primary relationship of the male-alliance. The Hens night came later in the 19th century but inherited some of the cringe of the male counterpart. I also learned that ‘bridal showers’ were a way to support a woman to get enough dowery to afford her marriage.

We had friends flying across to us to help us set up the festival, and a lot of work to do. We decided instead to have some solo time and time together alone, then time with our friends before the wedding.

I had a solo silent day which I was very glad for. As any event organisers know, things go really fast before a big event and it’s hard to ground and take a breath. I meditated, danced with the trees, made a clay Venus for our love temple altar and journalled a lot. I let the transition truly sink in, to really let myself feel the bigness of this step that was easy to miss as I was busy preparing.

We then had some time together. We dropped into deep intimacy space together, doing our sacred sexuality practices and entering the love vortex. We brought in a devotion practice where we share over and over what we’re devoted to with each other as we met in erotic union, and after we wrote our vows from this place of deep love and devotion. I’m so glad we did it this way — it didn’t feel right to try to write them from some disconnected, dry place. It wanted to be ALIVE and full of the transmission of our union.

We had hoped to have a psychedelic ceremony with some of our friends before the wedding to go deeper, but unfortunately since it was a heat wave, all of us were totally fried from setting up the decor and trying to manage the heat. The days before the wedding were all over 40 degrees and since most of my friends are sensitive types, we all were totally fried and struggling… and the set up was far behind because some friends bailed and we couldn’t work for big portions of the day due to the heat.

We had a small gathering the night before the wedding where people shared their best wisdom and advice for marriage, and kept things pretty casual. If I would do it again, I’d be much more intentional with this time and ask someone else to surprise us with something.

THE WEDDING

We warned our families on the invites and in conversations that this would not be a traditional wedding and not to expect that. We broke quite a lot of rules. My parents were much more OK with it, his… not so much.

We wanted to find a way to invite our family into our world a little bit. To give them a taste of the work we do in the world, what we create and who we are when we’re not just having small talk at the family dinner table. We had hopes for ‘microdosing’ them with our world… something that could meet people where they were and stretch them a little with possibility and a peak into our lives. It worked in some ways, and not in others (our friends can be a little unhinged and not read the room when we have conservative family around… eep)

We also wanted a HUGE wedding, on a low budget. We had been travelling for years and didn’t have big savings or anything, and being ‘Burners’ and in communities where co-creation was the norm, we decided to ask our friends and family for support rather than gifts. This is very matriarchal in essence — rather than the flashy show of wealth and status typical of the dominator paradigm. Our friends offered us decor, help, food, performances and much more — which I way prefer to some household gifts. Our friends were very on board with this, many of them long-time festival attendees and used to co-creating. The family were not part of these communities and did not understand it. We mostly paid some rent to use our friends home (which they let us also stay at for a month!), the photographer/videographer, lots of crafty supplies and a lot of time and energy.

Now, I’ll share a little bit about the rituals and practices we did include

CONNECTION WORKSHOPS

We invited friends to offer some on-theme workshops in the day. Because it was soooo hot, not much ended up happening, but there was a lovely contact dance class to get people started.

THE TRIALS (Mixed tradition)

In both Chinese and Estonian (my heritage) wedding customs, the groom must go through trials to win the bride. While the vibes vary across tradition, there seems to be a common theme of this. In Chinese tradition there is also a lot of bribing with red packets, which we wanted to discard because it felt a bit off. In Estonian there was a lot of mention of vodka and something about kidnapping the bride, which also was a no.

But a reason to have some fun games and trials? To pick my team to challenge my partner (who loves this stuff) and to have him ‘win me over’? It did sound fun. As much as I’m a sovereign woman, I do have a kink for being claimed and won over. So let the trials begin!

Usually the bridesmaids challenge the groom an groomsmen. We didn’t actually do the whole bridesmaid/groomsman thing at all, so we just chose a few friends each which was mixed-gender in the end. My friends made some fun challenges and Triss and his friends went through them. I actually even chose Tristen’s ex partner to be on my team to challenge him.

In the end he had to do a silk fan dance to seduce me, and it was definitely the peacock-vibes that won me over ;) I mean, who doesn’t love a man who can dance gracefully and seduce you?

THE TEA CEREMONY (Chinese)

One of the most honoured traditions for weddings that I loved to learn about is the Chinese Tea Ceremony. It is a way to welcome new family members through the serving of tea, and is very important for weddings in much of East Asia.

The couple kneel and serve all older family members on both sides tea, and then the younger generation offer the couple tea. It’s a sign of respect and honour and a nice way to have some focused one to one time with each of your guests.

THE CEREMONY

I designed most of the ceremony, including the setup.

Usually there is the officiates and bride/groom at the front, and everyone else witnessing them. The stage and the audience. This didn’t feel right for me, I personally like circles and being held within a circle of love and support, energetically it felt much more aligned, so we set up the ceremony space that way.

The most obvious ritual of patriarchy is the act of the father walking the bride down the isle to the groom. This symbolises the passing of ownership of the woman from her father to her husband. From one man to another. Usually she wore a veil because the man hadn’t seen her yet, and the ring had to be on before he saw her so he couldn’t bail out early if he didn’t like the look of her. Ick. No way we were doing that.

Instead, we left space on either side of the circle for us to enter. The idea was that BOTH of our parents walked us BOTH down the main isle and to either side of the circle, dropping us off as 2 families became one in the center of the circle, ready to be witnessed and blessed by our friends and family.

The space was opened through song by a friend, and then one of Tristen’s mentors welcoming us to country and starting the blessings. She is a wise matriarch who shares ‘The Work that Reconnects’ by Johanna Macey, and it was lovely to have her open the space. She did a powerful land acknowledgement and then asked everyone to connect through hands and hearts and send us blessing energy, and at that moment when people sent the energy, a powerful gust of wind blew through the ceremony space! There were also some other synchronicities with birds at perfect moments, even very skeptical witnesses said they felt the magic and that the land was responding to us.

We asked our friend and relationship coach Sheeana to be our ‘Love Priestess’ for the wedding, holding the ceremony. Years ago we met her when Sheeana and I did a coaching exchange as part of our certification requirements, and we got along so well that we eventually hung out in Bali and became real-world friends. She happened to be in our home town when the wedding was happening, so I was so happy to have her do the ceremony.

MAKE IT TANTRIC…

As part of the ceremony we did a 5 senses ritual, to honour our Tantric path and the work we do in the world. I had searched and asked a teacher if there were any real Tantric wedding rituals, and it turns out there isn’t — it’s all general Hindu practices. We felt it was nice to then adapt for ourselves something to represent this path we’re on, and 5 senses worship is a foundational practice. I felt a bit shy in front of so many people to be offering worship to my partner, but it’s one of our favourite rituals so it had to be there ;)

We had trays (pictured above) that held both oils for anointing one another, a rose for touch, a raspberry for taste and our rings.

We each took turns to anoint each other with scented oil, to bow to each other, to offer a rose’s caress and to feed each other. It was a nice moment to anchor into our bodies after an intense day (did I mention is was 43 degrees celcius?!) and to slow down and connect through the blur of everything happening.

After that we shared our vows. When I was writing them I was crying to much with love and joy I didn’t know how I’d manage to speak them on the day, but I guess the blessing of the heat was that I was too fried at that point to feel strong emotions, so I made it through steady ;P We share our vows with each other each year, and I’ve cried all the other times though!

RINGS

As we mentioned, we did decide to get wedding rings. It felt like a tradition we could get down with. Of course offering the rings we just had our own vows of commitment and gratitude, not the traditional ones. Especially since we’re not fully monogamous and we wanted to commit to what we truly meant and desired to commit to. The rings were then the physical act of saying yes to each other and this symbol of union.

We actually got super cheap wedding rings in Malaysia. The idea of spending a small fortune on rings didn’t sit well with us (especially since I have a habit of loosing and breaking anything valuable I own!). Maybe at some point when we have spare cash and feel like it we’ll upgrade them, but the cheapies have done us fine so far.

HANDFASTING

As mentioned before, we had already done a hand-fasting ritual, and we decided to bring it to the ceremony again. As well as being part Estonian, I am half Irish, so it was nice to bring some Celtic tradition into the space, to add to the very multi-cultured vibes of our union.

We made it a bit more Tantric by using 3 ribbons. Red (Lower Bindu) for being united in our bodies, our passion and our physical union. Gold (Heart Bindu) for biding our hearts, our lives and honouring each others emotional needs. White (Upper Bindu) for our devotion to presence and being conscious and intentional with one another.

Each ribbon a commitment to each aspect of our embodied reality and what we were committing to and co-creating.

A LOVE-TUNNEL EXIT

It’s not an intimacy festival without a love tunnel. What better way to leave the ceremony?? We had a huge tunnel to get through, with everyone blessing us one more time as we left the space!

THE LOVE TEMPLE

We then took family photos before heading to the Love Temple to close out the ritual. I had the idea of a temple space on the land where people could go through the day and write their wishes for love in a book that we’d then use for a ritual to amplify the wishes.

Tristen decided he wanted to build it for me as part of his preperation for the day, which was super touching. A love-priestess having her soulmate build her a love temple? How fitting ;) It wasn’t anything flashy, but all the heart and intention was there.

After we had dinner… another ‘rule’ we broke was that we asked people to bring a dish, rather than totally catering. Since Tristen and I were about to move to Thailand we didn’t want physical gifts, and thought it was no problem to invite people to bring a meal as we would at Christmas or other occasions. Especially since we were doing a big event on a small budget. Both out families strongly disagreed with this. A lot of our friends did bring delicious, thoughtful meals. My mother paid for a lot of catering ‘just in case’. There was waaaay too much food, and a lot went to waste. After all the heat and stress, I wasn’t able to eat much at all.

Later than night we had DJs and some unconventional entertainment. Since Tristen and I had both been doing shibari performance art in the past, and our families had been curious, we asked our friends to do a late-night show. They missed the memo a bit of DON’T BE RAUNCHY and it was spicier than we were comfortable with, and broke up the dance floor, so we did kinda regret that decision. It was a bit weird to sit next to my now mother-in-law while my friend was spread legged in the air in front of us. We’ve learned a lesson there…. might seem like a good idea in theory but nope. lol. Stick to dancing or maybe some fire/LED shows.

The celebrations didn’t go late, everyone was fried from the heat and since we had no alcohol at our event, there wasn’t quite enough energy going to party late. I was happy to crash out and sleep.

We let a bunch of friends camp with us, and had a friends-only after party celebration the next day.

I can’t show much from that day because it involved lots of nudity, lingerie, party favours and shenanigans… but I can say that it was definitely much needed space to blow off the steam of all that wedding creation, to have fun with our friends and to celebrate love in a more trashy and fun way.

That’s all folks

So there you have it, our wedding. A multi-cultural, matriarchal-vibe, unique, tantric celebration of Love.

A few friends shared that they had never previously considered getting married, but our wedding gave them inspiration and hope of how they could go there.

I hope this article inspires more people with how you can totally break all the rules and have an amazing celebration without all the dominator-paradigm BS weaved in. It can be meaningful, beautiful, deep, fun, weird… whatever!

And I’ll just add to end this that we actually so far have not done the paperwork to be legally married. For us, the legal binding contract of a marriage and the spiritual-social ritual of one are 2 different things. Maybe some day we will sign the paperwork. Maybe we’ll stay soul-married and never sign the papers. We didn’t change names (way too much effort) but if we did we’d have made our own new last name rather than taking either of our old ones.

The wedding day was an intense blur, but the process as a whole was so rewarding and fulfilling. The journey of deciding to get married, the process of deconstructing the dominator paradigm stories of marriage, the devotional rituals, the coming together of friends and family, the commitment, the ceremony… it all had a big effect on me and our relationship in a way that is hard to express.

We will likely do another marriage in some years, one thats even more witchy and magic without all the family and intensity. It feels like something living that wants to be recommitted to rather than being a single time event. So perhaps there will be more to come here.

I’ll just finish this hugeee article saying that I love this process, and if you’re getting married and want support creating your unique rituals then you can totally hire me. I’ve had the offer on my website for some years and I’m open to even just brainstorming sessions, if not being your full unique wedding coach. I especially love to do pre-wedding coaching for couples to get clear on their commitments and settle into this process, or honeymoon retreats. Check out more information down the page here.

Most people will say they want trust in a relationship... they want someone to surrender to them, to give themselves fully — but have you considered if you are trustworthy? What that really means on a deeper level?

A lot of people ask for trust without inquiring into their own actions, and what is required to be a trustworthy person. Trust isn’t something you simply ask for or give, it’s something you become capable of cultivating and holding.

We can likely all recognise it requires honesty — and we can’t be a totally honest person if we’re not honest with ourselves (and let’s be real, most people aren’t honest with themselves) If you don’t deeply know yourself, if you’re not willing to face your deepest desires and fears and shadows then — whether intentional or not — you will eventually be dishonest. You’ll say you’re ok with something when really subconsciously you’re not, and your reaction will reveal this dissonance... and the other will feel the gap in your words and response.

If you’re willing to sell out your values in exchange for convenience, power, access, money etc... your actions will be seen and the dissonance will be felt. You might think you wouldn’t do this, but honestly most people do in some way or another. Being radically aligned to your true core values requires sacrifice, inconvenience and discipline. Each time your words and actions fail to align, the witness will take note. Are you reliable? Do you show up?

Trust requires self control.... Do you show self control or are you impulsive? Are you emotionally reactive or volatile? Can you really trust someone who is at the whim of every desire and emotion... someone who lacks containment and ability to choose how to respond? This is not just about day to day life, but this quality will reveal itself in the erotic realms with undisciplined erotic energy that pushes and leaks.

How you handle conflict will affect how trustworthy you are — how do you treat people when they call you out/in? How do you treat people who make mistakes around them? How do you handle a no? To trust we need to know repair is possible and accountability will be taken when mistakes are made or we wobble from our values.

How we communicate says a lot about our trustworthiness. Do we speak with respect or with shame and blame? Are we clear about our needs, desires, values and boundaries or are we vague and confusing?

Can you trust someone you feel constantly confused by?

And it’s a two way street here — can someone be absolutely honest and soul-naked in front of you about who they are and what they’ve done, and can you witness with love or will you collapse into shame and blame? We don’t need to be able to handle absolutely anything anyone throws at us, but in committed relationship this kind of soul-baring raw truth and ability to hold that truth will determine a lot about your true compatibility. Can someone reveal they have attraction to another person in front of you? Can they admit when they’re doubting the relationship? Can they be honest about their dissatisfaction? If we have to hide ourselves, we prevent true connection and prevent us both from having the opportunity to know and see one another.

And on a more subtle level, trustworthiness is felt on an energetic level.

If you’re with someone who seems distracted, reactive, resentful or ‘off’ then your instincts will cause you to brace and withhold. This is deeply revealed in the erotic realm, where the embodiment of your presence and attunement is felt viscerally. A body won’t surrender easily to someone who is unable to be trusted with it.

I believe that for a vast majority of people, their deepest longing in relationship is to be able to trust and surrender completely to the other person, to be able to give themselves fully.

And this is a vulnerable act. The other holds a power to shatter that trust in a single action. We may experience micro-breaches of trust multiple times in a day, from little bids for attention that were dismissed to someone promising to take out the trash and forgetting. But most of these micro-breaches can be repaired and balanced with deeper levels of integrity and reliability. Major breaches of trust, especially when trust is given in complete surrender, can be near impossible to recover from.

Becoming a trustworthy person is, for most people, a lifelong journey. We will be constantly tested with how true we stay to our values — we’ll be tempted by power, money, sex, drugs... Can we stay true? Can we show up when it’s not easy?

If you’re reading this and noticing the desire to point the finger at others, and don’t see at least some area here where you hold an unintegrated piece, then I invite you to practice that radical honesty with self and go back to look over and see where you can grow too. While discernment over others trustworthiness is important, we each have the possibility to evolve to become a more and more trustworthy person year by year. And often that will attract others who embody that level of trustworthiness and the possibility of a deeply trusting secure relationship. Because someone who embodies this frequency won’t mess around with people who are deluding themselves and others.

There is no final destination here, because there are always more subtleties and possibilities to see blindspots and patterns that pull us from integrity and truth.

I can tell you from my personal experience that there are few things in this world more powerful, meaningful and vulnerable than having a relationship with absolute trust between two people who have committed fully to truth and showing up for ourselves and each other. To be able to let yourself be fully seen and known at every layer of your being because you know that person can meet you there. To build a life with someone in the deepest surrender to that love, knowing how precious that trust is and how honouring the trust requires you to live in utmost integrity.

To have the accountability not just to your own values for your own sake, but because you hold another’s heart and this precious gift of their trust — betraying your word would mean damaging that beautiful gift and sacrificing the security you have built over time together.

It changes you.

It’s indescribable.

It’s a big responsibility.

We deeply want it, but few will really do what it takes to go there.

Because it’s easier to just speak words of integrity and trust without really looking at what it actually takes to build that. And to have a mirror by your side, day by day, calling you into integrity on deeper levels because they see you and they know you, and they gave this trust. This is why the path of sacred relating is no soft path. While it may have a lot of beautiful blissful moments, the raw reality of it is not for the faint of heart.

It requires everything from you, because it’s no longer just about you.

It’s easier to run, to avoid, to cling, to fawn, to play into those protective patterns you’ve learned to protect and mitigate the risk.

How bad do you really want it?

If you’re on this path then check out the free PDF of our ‘Liberating Love Principles’ which offers our 9 core relating principles to build a truly evolutionary relationship.

Soon, we’ll be launching an Intimacy Reset mini-course and then a full new offering courses for couples comitted to awakening through intimacy.

I also coach singles and couples on this, if you need a secure guide to help you align your values and desires to you actions in your life to create the deep liberatory love you crave.

Traditional Tantra has been having a comeback, with more quality translations of traditional Tantric scriptures and more accessible sources to study.

NeoTantra, even with all the shadows, has been still booming with more and more people getting curious about how it can help both their sex lives and spiritual path.

And something new has been emerging too, both in my own work as a teacher in this realm and within the global scene. Something emerging that doesn’t really want to be lumped in with the category of NeoTantra in the way it’s been done before. A pathway that is definitely modern as it embraces the trauma-informed wisdom and newer modalities of the somatics world while weaving more of the traditional philosophy and practice of authentic Tantric practice into it. Something that is often being called somatic-tantra or tantric-somatic approaches, which is what I have been teaching for the past 7 or so years and also train new facilitators in (as well as writing a whole book about!)

Before I dive in further… a quick overview of the terms for those already feeling confused.

Traditional/classical Tantra

A spiritual path that is rooted in Yoga, crosses into Buddhism and evolved from Advaita Vedanta. There are many lineages (both Hindu and Buddhist) and the general idea is to allow every part of your life to become your spiritual practice. Pracitioners do not need to become celibate monks, they aim to find embodied liberation and nondual awakening while having jobs/families/attachments.

Neo Tantra

If you hear “Tantra” and think of erotic massage, eye-gazing, or polarity practices, you’re thinking of modern NeoTantra – a movement that originally emerged in the early 1900s and gained momentum through teachers like Pierre Bernard who started the Tantrik Order of America in 1905, and most famously, Osho, who had some access to limited Tantric practices but was not part of a lineage teaching traditional Tantra – he often created his own modern methods combining Western therapeutic processes and meditation.

NeoTantra tends to be focused on Sacred Sexuality, Relationships and “Tantric Sex” at the centre. At times, it has merged with the New Age movement and even neo-Christianity in the context of the heavily gendered polarity teachings which have little to nothing to do with traditional Tantra, since it was a transgressive path that emphasised breaking out of cultural narratives and boxes. Neo-Tantra often contains a lot of cathartic and ecstatic practices, energy work, as well as sex magic and manifestation practices, and a lot of therapeutic, holistic elements too. These kinds of practices can fall under a category called Bhoga in the traditional sense, which is about enjoying our lives and experiencing more pleasure and empowerment.

There is often a perception that NeoTantra is purely sex focused, but most reputable schools recognise that how we make love and connect with our eroticism is not just about sexual techniques but how we relate to our emotions, boundaries, body and more. A lot of NeoTantra emphasises the energy body and experiencing intimacy beyond the physical, becoming more sensitive, emotionally mature and mindful about our lives and relationships. Most involve working with rituals, meditation and yogic techniques. You’re just as likely to see people crying and doing intensive shadow work in a NeoTantra workshop as you’ll find people touching each other and orgasming.

-From my book ‘The Liberated Sensualist - A modern Tantrika’s Guide to Embodied Awakening’

Learn more + get the book here

Somatics

Somatics is a vast category of practices based in the ‘soma’ or body, and there is often an emphasis on felt-sense experience, nervous system regulation, understanding how trauma impacts our experience of reality and exploring how it is to be human in a body on this physical plane.

Somatics describes a field within bodywork and movement studies which emphasizes internal physical perception and personal embodied experience. The term, coined in 1967 by Thomas Hanna, a philosophy professor and movement theorist, is used in movement therapy to signify approaches based on the soma, or "the body as perceived from within"

-Wikipedia

The Neo Tantra movement has it’s staple ‘vibe’ which was heavily embedded with the popularity of Osho. This vibe tends to be heavy on catharsis and peak experiences, emotional expression, kundalini and energy body techniques and sexual freedom. The focus was heavily sexual and emotional, and while it did have profound effects for breaking through the heavy conditioning of sexual repression and shame from the colonialist repressive times, it came with it’s consequences.

Neo Tantra’s focus on the liberation side, often while neglecting the need for safety and a slow-built foundation, often resulted in people crossing their own boundaries (or that of others), people feeling coerced or pressured into being more sexually active than was true to them, a lot of nervous system dysregulation and often participants needing to backtrack on their healing journey and invest in many years of somatic therapy to repair some of the patterns they ingrained in themselves. I know did, and many other teachers and participants did too. While we touched something real and powerful in this work, while we ‘cracked open’ and ‘shed shame’ and had very real mystical experiences, the integration phase often was bypassed or unable to happen. Some people even say they were possessed or that it ruined them.

There has also been an obvious cult problem in the Neo Tantra scene. There are now likely over a dozen documentaries about sex cults from tantric yoga schools and scenes, and more being made. While some of the teachings may have been about gender equality, love and liberation, many of the old-paradigm patterns of power abuse, hierarchy and manipulation still crept into these containers. While traditional Tantra did have plenty of hierarchy with gurus, there was such a rigorous process to become a guru with so many years of devoted practice and genuine integrated awakening to teach that it functioned very differently. Now we have people who have an extremely rudimentary understanding of this work with massive ego god-complexes leading international schools and training other teachers.

The teachings diluted more and more over the years until people didn’t even really know what Tantra was anymore. Figures like Osho who were not lineage practitioners and who had limited access to genuine Tantric teachings sold themselves as genuine Tantric masters and trained countless more teachers who then had his interpretation of Tantra as their foundation, who then interpreted those teachings even more through their own lens. On and on it goes, until you get teachers saying things like ‘Men not paying for dates harms relationships and Tantric philosophy backs it up’ which is just so far off the mark for what Tantra actually taught (and yes, someone made a video about that and when I disagreed and called out this appropriation some people got really mad and blocked me)

Many teachers started combining teachings from multiple lineages (like Taoism, shamanism, western esoterism) without being clear on what is what. For example — most modern Tantrikas will still think the microcosmic orbit is a core Tantric practice, when it is not actually found in Tantra and is a Taoist practice (Tantra inner yoga works up and down the central channel, the front and back channel circulating is purely Taoist). Schools like ISTA mentioned Tantra in their descriptions and bred a generation of NeoTantric thinking they knew what Tantra was after a retreat with them, when it had extremely limited Tantric practice woven in. Even the ‘Tantra Massage’ is hotly debated with it’s origins and if it’s at all related to Tantra in the first place. The understanding of what Tantra is got more and more blurry and distorted as more misinformation, unclear hybrids and unequipped teachers entered the field.

One of the most common pieces of feedback I’ve been getting since releasing my book into the world is that people are finally starting to understand more what Tantra is, and what it is to be on the Tantric path… people who have done professional trainings and been part of the scene for years. I felt the same after reading Tantra Illuminated and realising just how much appropriation there had been, and how inaccurate so many famous books on Tantra were. I felt ripped off that I’d been in this scene so long and missed so many core teachings, and that I’d been part of spreading some of this misinformation because I didn’t know better.

And now, things are changing in the scene. The old ways are being exposed, many schools are being called out and falling apart due to the harm their teachings have caused, seekers are becoming more discerning and teachers are starting to realise the need to genuinely study and learn more about what they’re teaching.

And while I and other teachers have been content to call our work Neo Tantra when we work with a modern fusion, there have been many conversations happening behind the scenes about the need for a new term or category for a new evolution happening in the scene. So I’m here to present this alternative.

SOMATIC - TANTRA

I posed the question online a few years back of what a new term could be for the evolution of modern Tantra, but it can be hard these days with everything being a brand and trademarked to find something that works. Currently I’m rolling with Somatic Tantra / Tantric-Somatic approach as both words are collectively ‘owned’ and recognisable, but I’m also open to the community finding a better term.

There are many beautiful overlaps to what Somatics and Tantra offer the world when it comes to the direct felt experience. While the language and framing of a spiritual lineage looks very different to the secular, scientific terminology of the somatic realms, the results of practice can be extremely similar in some fundamental ways.

The core being that we aim to be experiencing life from the direct, felt experience of the moment with the minds stories and overlays being secondary. It’s not to make thoughts wrong or bad, but to see them as only part of the picture. They’re a tool, not the full truth. When we’re in direct contact with the present moment, inhabiting our body and listening to the wisdom of our senses, we’re in a more open and connected state that offers us more choice and freedom. The mind can transform over time and allow us to experience ourselves and life more fluidly. I have found a mix of Tantric meditation practices and somatic experiencing and movement work to both have this effect and compliment each other beautifully.

We also have the intention with both of these paths to expand our capacity to be with life as it is, in it’s intensity and dramas and with the stillness. In somatics the discussion is on our ‘window of tolerance’ or the ‘flexibility of our nervous system’ to be able to ride the waves of experience. In Tantra we aim to strengthen the energy body to be able to digest more of experience, and to be able to be with the sacred drama of life with presence and responsiveness. Both offer us a way to hold all that life throws at us and to bounce back from challenge and aversion.

Speaking of the Energy Body… There are so many overlaps between the maps of the energy body in classical Tantra and yogic traditions, and the nervous system and neurohormonal pathways. I wrote a whole chapter on this in my book so if you’re curious please go read that, it was many months of study and work to put it together ;)

Both somatics and Tantra invite us to allow for the spontaneous, authentic expression of the body to move through uninhibited. Organic sounds, tremmors, movements that may look awkward or strange… we want to get our mind out of the way so that the wisdom of the body can express and be free. Tantra had specific practices for this (like emptiness dancing and talk of spontaneous kriyas as Kundalini works her magic) and in somatic work it’s often baked into the practices.

In both we’re awakening the full potential of the body, the energy system, the sensitivity and capacity to feel, to be present on a deeper level, to be mindful of our actions and responses and to come into right relationship with the body-mind.

I personally found that just one of these paths was an incomplete picture. Tantra alone lacked some of the tools needed for the modern body and psyche to heal from deep intergenerational trauma and the stress of modernity. It could be hard to translate to the modern human, for them to see the applicabilty of the process and practice.

Somatics alone can lack the philosophy and depth to navigate the deeper questions and longings of humans. It could feel too rigid at times, like many science-based modalities that want to rely on evidence and data. It missed the mystery and mythos that spiritual lineage provides, especially on more challenging topics like death and sex. Together, they offer something that can have the best of both worlds without sacrificing depth or integration in the process.

A new movement, a more integrated scene.

This new hybrid is still a fringe movement, with a few schools and teachers scattered around the globe offering this work. My experience with teachers offering this hybrid work is that there is a lot more groundedness, much less ego and much less drama. The offerings might not be as ‘sexy’ and ‘in-demand’ as the ego-stroking intensity of the NeoTantric movement which promised you’d become a sex god/dess in a weekend for $10,000, but the results speak for themselves. The demand is slowly rising for this work, though because of the ‘low hype’ and groundedness of it, there can be challenges to get as much interest from people to go for this approach which might feel too safe or slow for people looking for a quick fix or chasing intensity as they mistake that for genuine healing.

Somatic approaches require a slower pace. It recognises that genuine, lasting transformation takes time and adapting to a new baseline of experience. Traditional Tantra was the same — while you might read of the wild orgiastic rituals and more intense practices, they were held in a format that set solid foundations over years of intensive practice and devotion, with supervision of a guru and levels of practice that did their best to ensure a practitioner was ready for the more intense work when it came. If our scene is to evolve, it needs to consider the timeless wisdom of a more integrated process that doesn’t just sell peak experiences as transformation but genuinely supports seekers to integrate and shift their baseline state.

The somatic approach also gives language to a lot that happens in Tantric relating practices. The sense of merging and oneness can be mapped onto brain patterns and hormonal releases, the feeling of closeness can be seen in coregulation and attunement work. I find having the science to ‘back up’ what I teach helps skeptical folks to surrender deeper into the work and to open their minds to the possibilities. It’s understandable that many may struggle to dive head first into esoteric practice that looks and sounds culty or strange — when they have a good reason that their logical mind can grasp, it creates more trust and willingness to be brave and do the ‘weird things’ we’re asking them to try out.

And of course, the somatic lens brings the trauma-aware practice that is so needed. Someone who has studied somatics over some years can really create a pathway that is deeply trauma informed, and spaces that understand and even welcome to complexities of how both acute and complex traumas can show up in people. This is especially important in relationship contexts as there is such a deep chasm between men and women especially, with centuries of ‘battle of the sexes’, betrayal traumas, power dynamics and challenges to navigate on top of peoples personal history. When we work with bodies we work with trauma. When we work with love and intimacy, we work with trauma. The ignorance of the NeoTantra scene that aimed to provide healing and way too often caused more trauma can’t continue. The power abuses and ego dynamics can’t continue if we want to actually create the kind of change we wish to see in the world. Leaders need to step up both on the trauma front and on the appropriation front so that the modern Tantra scene can offer the world what we know it can offer — liberation, empowering relationships, spiritual-sexual union, evolved consciousness and a lot of beauty, love and play in the process.

This fusion of somatic tantra doesn’t have to be boring and lacking juice and transformation. Anyone who’s been to my retreats and spaces know we get juicy. It doesn’t have to be so safe that people feel like their being talked to like toddlers who can’t make their own decisions — those in my spaces know I run brave spaces with some pretty edgy rituals and offerings! Once we understand what our primal systems need to feel safe, what genuine transformation requires, how these tools work and what opens people into these mystical states then we can curate events and offerings that both offer people the foundations required and the magic they long for. It just may require a longer series, more space, more safety and more integration. And it’s very possible to do that.

I personally hope to see more modern Tantra heading in this direction. I have a strong feeling if it did go this way, the healing potential of this work will be amplified, it will be taken more seriously collectively as a legitimate path and we’ll see the results of this work with more genuinely happy, integrated, peaceful humans who know how to love well and feel fully. We’ll get more solid communities that really show up for each other without becoming cults. We’ll see more studies on how and why these practices work. We’ll see teachers leading from deep service and devotion rather than ego gratification. And we’ll see profound healing around sexuality and relationships, which the world deeply needs.

Want to go deeper?

Get a copy of The Liberated Sensualist (or better, get the full course which has all the practices so you can have the full experience of the philosophy and method + the embodied experience of the work)

Want to lead this work? Join my teacher training in November this year, in Thailand. You’ll learn how to offer tantric-somatic work in a way that creates a sustainable, soul-nourishing business while bringing this work to the world and being part of the change. Wanna-be cult leaders need not apply ;)

If you’re already a facilitator of this space and you’re looking for a more advanced immersion then check out the live mastermind experience happening shortly after!!!

Many different modalities and traditions speak to this shift in different ways. From patriarchy to matriarchy, from masculine dominated ways of being to divine union between masculine and feminine qualities, the balance of spirit and matter, from competition to co-operation, from colonial to indigenous wisdom, from mind-domination to embodied wholeness...

It’s a path of paradoxes and devotion. For those on the path, we recognise that when we shift our internal paradigm, it becomes reflected externally, and when we and others make this shift, we also start to shift communities, cultures, and the world. When we break the pattern, when we refuse to continue the old ways that are not serving, we create a new pathway of possibility that ripples through generations.

We become doulas of the love paradigm.

We shift the way we relate to our own humanness and we relate to it in others with more compassion and love.

We shift our perception of beauty and power from egoic conditioned projections sold to us by these systems and instead we start to see organic intelligence and beauty surrounding us in places we may have not noticed.

We see power as a relational web rather than something to take, to have over others and wield for selfish gain.

We meet our exiled parts and bring them into the light of love, and we neutralise a lot of energetic tensions, hooks and compulsions that were running the show to free up more energy, attention and space in our lives where love and beauty can come to fill and thrive.

When we have built capacity within ourselves through healing work we start to commit to radical Truth, to authenticity, to being in integrity with our deepest values and heart.

If we’re in leadership we especially need to do extremely deep excavating work to find the ways power distorts and pulls us away from this deeper truth. We find a way to work with power relationally and in a way that is in alignment with this new paradigm, not operating from the outdated dominator ways and deluding ourselves. And if we’re truly devotionally committed to this path we trust that the challenges and struggles along the way are stripping us bare of all the noise and distortions that do not serve us or the collective anymore.

We see our relationships as crucibles for this work, as perfect mirrors to show the parts that still hide, take, play games and pull us from our essence, and we utilise that fire to show up and keep burning away that which is not an expression of love.

We see our work and relationship to money as a place to excavate and explore these energetics, as a way to relate to power, generosity, overflow, scarcity and desire.

All parts of life become part of our spiritual path and our journey to shift towards being an embodiment of divine love on this planet. And we’ll do it messy and we’ll struggle, and we’ll keep coming back to love no matter what.

It’s a revolutionary path. It not only brings personal fulfillment, joy and love beyond what we previously could have ever imagined but it shifts things for all who encounter us, it shifts family lines, it evolves consciousness globally and systems follow that shift.

If you’re not content to just sit by and see humanity devolve into it’s most selfish, traumatised and numbed out expression then this is a path you can walk, or guide others in.

Committing to breaking the chain. To doing things differently. To prioristing love and beauty and goodness in this world.

To look at how you contribute to more suffering and pain in this world or how you contribute to more love and joy on this earth. And to keep looking. To keep committing to being part of the change rather than the problem.

There are thousands of paths, thousands of ways to be part of this shift that you can focus on depending where you feel called. Maybe it’s land regeneration or animal rights activism or politics or conscious parenting...

The work I do brings the spiritual and relational aspect of this collective shift. How we’re relating to ourselves, others and the collective from this core, deeper place. How we’re relating to Eros, to our human to human connections and our communities. I believe this is where the root causes of many expressions of the old paradigm lay and that shifting these core energetics and perspectives ripples out to how we relate to every other aspect of our lives.

My book ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ outlines this particular pathway, working with the Lower Gateway, the space of embodiment, eros and intimacy as a portal to shift things on the deepest level from our most primal humanity to our most divine full expression. You can read it as a stand alone book or do it as a comprehensive course with 40+ practices that help you not only understand intellectually but embody this work. I also now have a free book club PDF you can download to go through the content with fellow love-paradigm devotees - you’ll find it on the page.

I am also training leaders- those here to be doulas of the love paradigm who are here to show up in service, in devotion, in integrity to draw others into this new paradigm through education, ritual, community and live spaces to live this new possibility. In November I’m running 2 live experiences here in Thailand for both new facilitators learning to lead spaces and for experienced facilitators looking to deepen, explore and expand their skills and creations.

Eros Facilitator Training

Eros Mastermind Immersion

If you’re here for this collective shift, and looking for a community of fellow love devotees, I’d love to be part of your journey

Being in the wellness and spiritual scenes for quite some time now, I’ve heard every reason in the book to refute the ‘chemical imbalance’ theory that the medical/ pharmaceutical industry has given — A nervous system in freeze, unprocessed rage, not living your purpose, not enough sunlight, believing your stories about the world, not working out enough, not dancing enough, not being in your feminine enough, not seeing the nature of reality clearly...

I want to share from my personal experience of doing all the ‘right’ things and still having it haunt me, and what I actually needed to heal from it, in the hopes it can be of service to some people on their own journey.

(Hint… it has to do with inflammation)

4 years in the underworld

In 2020, at around the same time, I was going through a deep awakening process being ravaged by Kali Ma, going through Saturn return and multiple Pluto transits, and dealing with immense chronic pain from a car crash that kicked off a range of health issues including MCAS and CFS. I also met my now-husband Tristen at the same time. Before that, I was in one of the biggest highs of my life— feeling sexy, abundant, on purpose and in the flow.

This period held some of the most intensive and transformational spiritual work I’ve ever done. I was cracking through the ways I had been perceiving self and reality on a profound level that was transforming me to my core, meditating daily, doing virtual traditional Tantra retreats, rituals and shadow work. I was being stripped of every identity, every story, everything that held me up and deluded me. I started to ‘become aware of awareness’ and was practicing profoundly ‘being with what it’. I was on my knees in surrender and living in devotion to the path. By many spiritual lineage definitions, I was reaching the final stages of spiritual awakening/enlightenment.

And through all this, suffering with serious health issues that broke me down for years. Autoimmune stuff, chronic pain, cervical instability with regular migraines, chronic fatigue... It was a shit show. I’ve only just barely made it out into near normal functioning now, though it came in waves. The suffering was motivating me to practice more to find a way through it all.

Through all the spiritual work I was learning to be with life how it is, to separate my story about myself and life from the experience of it, to strengthen my energy body, to access powerful trance states... And it helped me immensely through these challenges…

But it wasn’t enough

Because it turns out there is something to the ‘chemical imbalance’ thing. To the gut-brain connection to mental wellbeing. To the very real physical responses of the body and how that shapes the way our brain works and how we percieve things.

I thought I was just jaded from too many years in the scene. I blamed Pluto. I figured maybe my best days as a free spirited maiden was over. I thought maybe awakening has made me see reality so clearly and reality was just… not that great.

I even asked facebook what kind of things can help with being jaded, and got a lot of sound advice from people, but much of it had already been part of my routines.

Sure, I still could get into ecstatic peak states and orgasmic consciousness and play and enjoy, but my day to day state was always dipping into frustration. When people would ask how I was the response was always a bit of a pause and something like ‘You know, up and down’ (because awakening is also unmasking and my path required commitment to absolute Truth and I’m a shit liar so saying ‘good’ or ‘fine’ wasn’t accurate.) To be fair, I was having some big challenges in my business, I was burning out from travelling the world and at times running too many events. But I’d done all that before and it had felt different.

It wasn’t the depression of my teen years which was compounded by being stuck in highschool where I was being lightly bullied, from being in chronic freeze, unsure of myself, stuck in stories about how terrible and unlovable I was. That time I was in the deepest depths of it to the point that I wouldn’t consider myself sane at many moment. This round, I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but I did have my thoughts lean that way at times. I’d just say it was part of death contemplation for my Tantric sadhana.

I did all the ‘right things’ — my dedicated spiritual practice, good food, dancing (when my body let me!), orgasms, sunshine, shadow work… and still I had this negative bias clouding the way I was seeing life. Like yes, I had my reasons at times with many life challenges, but it was hard to even see the positive some days when I did have a lot to be thankful for. I even got confused realizing this jaded ‘mehness’ had started around when Tristen and I met, and I was so 100% sure about our relationship being a yes but I wondered why I wasn’t enjoying things in the same way even with an amazing partner, amazing job etc.

I wouldn’t actually realise that it was low-level depression I was suffering until, by chance, bought some 5htp + melatonin from a supermarket on Koh Phangan after some insomnia. After a few days of taking it before bed, there was a subtle yet profound shift in how I was experiencing the world.

The Serotonin Reality

For those that don’t know, 5htp is a serotonin-boosting amino acid. I had taken it as a teen to help with chronic depression (after a short trial of typical anti-depressants and feeling like a zombie and doing some online research) and had positive effects then… it had turned my suicidal-not-quite-sane brain and brought me to a regular level of unhappy ;P Lots of people take it after MDMA to recover their stores of serotonin. There are a lot of debates from studies about it’s efficacy, some saying it doesn’t work, and I would put this down to the fact that there are many reasons someone could be depressed, and low serotonin is just one of them. Like I found when I was young, it took an edge off but I still had a lot of work to do to heal and create a life I wanted to live.

When I started taking the 5htp again, I started suddenly feeling a general sense of happiness again. It was like a heavy veil had been lifted from the world. Resilience returned and the jadedness went away. Now all that awakening work actually felt good rather than feeling like a veil had been ripped away from something that was hiding some ugly world. My pessimism dissolved and more childlike wonder and positivity returned. I suddenly realised that I had actually been depressed for 4 years, and felt a little frustrated that I had been suffering more than what could be seen as necessary.

It turns out, inflammation stops serotonin production.

A reel popped up on my feed of a doctor sharing why we feel so shitty when we’re sick. The answer — when we’re sick we get inflamed and release histamine, histamine/inflammation stops serotonin production… your body gets busy protecting itself and feeling happy is lower priority! The penny dropped.

In 2020, after the car crash, my MCAS hit hard. This is an autoimmune disorder to do with histamine and mast cells, where your body goes into a ‘cell danger response’ and you start reacting to everything — having chronic inflammation, gut issues and generally your immune system starts acting like a little 5 yr old kid on a sugar high knocking everything over, instead of the sophisticated SWAT team coming to take out any intruders. Chronic injury and inflamation actually makes you depressed on a brain chemical level.

How inflammation and Depression link:

So yeah, some simple science that NO ONE SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT. I can’t tell you how many people I know struggling with immune issues and complex chronic health stuff that have no idea about this. So not only are we struggling with fatigue, food sensitivities, gut stuff… but also depression on top of that (and sometimes dysautonomia-created anxiety too, which is another topic!). And there is a very cheap, simple solution that can help a lot without the major side effects of pharma anti-depressants. (Which, by the way, NEVER MIX WITH 5HTP! It can cause serotonin syndrome where you brain floods with it and it can hospitalise you. I’ve had it before and DO NOT RECOMMEND)

People with health issues aren’t just moody because their life is getting impacted by their condition, but they actually can lack the neurotransmitters to feel hope and happiness because of those same issues. It’s a viscous cycle. It’s hard to get out of, hard to not fall into ‘victim consciousness’. Hard to feel hope enough to try and be motivated to keep going and healing.

While all the spiritual and wellness tools I had helped me greatly, so this round of health issues and depression were far more bearable than ever… There was a very physical, hormonal reason why things didn’t seem to be working. Why I was ‘awakened’ but not resting in bliss or feeling at peace.

I still struggled with another round of long COVID not long after rediscovering 5htp. I still had challenges with serious chronic fatigue and trouble exercising… But I was eternally grateful to this simple supplement, I was able to increase my quality of life while I figured out my other health issues and stay sane (well, as sane as one can be in this mad world!)

Wellness and Science can compliment each other

Even with all the spiritual tools and meditation and inquiry and shadow work, if our biology is out of whack, we can become grumpy jaded haters.

Sure, I’ll always continue to recommend breathwork, inquiry, meditation, nervous system regulation, dance etc to people who are depressed, but even in my coaching I find myself asking some clients about their diet and health if they’re prone to depression and getting them to look into potential MCAS or serotonin issues that could be easily solved.

Part of the Tantrika path is finding the balance in the recognition that we are both spirit and animal. Divine and human. I think mental health is both too. We’re made of complex hormonal cascades and nervous system signals, we are what we eat and we are impacted intimately by our environment. Our modern world is full of toxic chemicals, microplastics, EMFs and things that cause chronic inflammation that are near impossible to avoid without going completely off grid on an untouched island (and even there they’re finding microplastics in the water!).

Finding peace, joy, happiness etc is both a spiritual pursuit and a physical one. All the right ‘tools’ without the inner health may not truly work. And just peak physical fitness and health isn’t going to make a deeply fulfilling life.

The timing was so interesting with this recent experience of depression, as I found 5htp and started recovering as I was leaving Koh Phangan, a place I was challenged by and not finding aligned to be living in. It also happened to align with figuring out I had long covid and treating it (thank you nicotine patches!) and moving to Pai, which feels like my soul-mate town.

Perhaps it was just all divine timing that I was meant to feel shitty for a few years and the cycle ended at that time. Perhaps I needed to be jaded and frustrated for years as part of my evolution. Perhaps it could have been another way in another timeline.

Mental health, just like immune systems, nervous systems, personalities, life paths… they’re complex. Too many practitioners want to simplify solutions to whatever they’re selling (don’t worry, I’m not a supplement brand selling you 5htp…) and we can feel like a failure if we do everything right and still nothing shifts.

There are always so many factors at play — astrology timings (if you believe in that and in my experience they’ve been creepily accurate), viral/immune loads, life circumstances, global issues, trauma patterns etc. It can take years to find our way through challenge.

But there often is a way through if we explore and keep hope alive. Not seeking endlessly as if we’re broken but being so curious about the potential of what our wellbeing could be. I may still have lifelong health challenges that slow me down and cause me issues, but I can genuinely say I’ve found a deep peace and happiness through all of this that makes life 10000% worth living.

A lot of the practices and perspectives that have helped me to thrive over the years are in my book - The Liberated Sensualist. It guides seekers on their journey from numbness, disconnect and stagnation into the sweet intimacy and bliss with life (that’ll be even more juicy if your serotonin is topped up! ;P )
I even just released a book club free PDF so you can go through it with friends. It includes 6 practice audios, or you can get the course with all 40 practice audios.

Get my book here

But it is important, more than many will realise, for quality relationship, general wellbeing and bonding. And the quality of intimacy matters greatly to our desire to continue this bonding.

For those of us determined not to dip into the resentful waters of sexless marriage or erotic mediocrity, or the dangerous waters of cheating and leaking sexual energy, we have to bring conscious effort, intentionality and artistry to this part of our life. While some people are content to ‘close up shop’ and let this part of their lives dwindle, for most people who have learned to love the erotic realms and who they are as an erotic being, this is not an option.

Sexual intimacy strengthens bonds in a variety of ways: on a neurohormonal level — through oxytocin release and an interplay of hormones including dopamine, vasopressin, and testosterone — and on a subtle-body level for those who are open to or working with the energetic realms. It provides co-regulation and nervous system attunement so we can soothe and deeply feel one another. It acts not just as a playground for pleasure and feeling good but as a way to re-calibrate and connect beyond the mind. It brings our bodies, emotions and nervous systems into resonance. It also opens us into non-ordinary states — where typical prefrontal self-monitoring quiets, ego defenses soften, and deeper subconscious shifts become possible so we can feel safe, seen and beyond the self. When we’re both good lovers, we are each offering our presence, energy and time to our partner’s wellbeing, which creates a healthy sense of reciprocity and naturally promotes gratitude and good feelings towards each other. It also invites in play, which breaks patterns and opens new pathways of possibility, novelty and creative expression which can keep us engaged over the years.

Sexual intimacy is important on many levels for high quality connection between people — and this doesn’t need to be penis-in-vagina to happen, but body-to-body contact is quite essential, as so much of this medicine is transmitted through touch itself. I imagine many people do not quite understand the importance of this part of ourselves for quality relationships, and see sex as more of a ‘nice to have’ than something foundational to a healthy relationship, but when this area of a relationship is shaky it often can be the thing that breaks the entire relationship, whether we realise it or not.

(And this is why there is a danger in open relationships to only outsourcing that eroticism to others, if you rely on other sexual connections for the spark and let it die with your nesting/long term partner, it’s inevitable you’ll bond more with the others and feel more and more insecurity and tension in the sexless relationship).

I notice with my husband, when we have gone more than a week without some form of erotic intimacy, we start getting out of sync. We ‘miss’ each other more in conversations (miscommunication, misunderstanding). Tension slowly starts to build, we can get a little more snappy with each other, and a little more insecure in our connection. It’s subtle at first but the longer we go without connecting, the more obvious it becomes. We start acting more like family members than lovers, the dynamic feels flat and we may start feeling more anxious or even depressed as the days go by. If this goes on longer, the quality of our connection starts to diminish and the more psychic/energetic connection weakens.

When we are more regularly sharing eroticism (like during our 30 days of making love challenge!) then there is significantly less tension. Quality of life increases, we both feel more content within ourselves and more harmonious together.

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The Neurochemicals of bonding and pleasure

All of this correlates with studies on the love and bonding hormones.

• Oxytocin: Often referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone.” It plays a crucial role in social bonding, trust, empathy, and sexual reproduction. For women, it plays an important role in our hormonal cycle as it helps promote the release of estrogen during ovulation and plays a crucial role in counteracting the effects of cortisol by reducing stress, lowering blood pressure, and improving mood by reducing anxiety and depression.
  During orgasm, there’s a significant release of oxytocin in both men and women. It promotes feelings of closeness, attachment, and intimacy.
  It can reduce anxiety and increase feelings of security in relationships. This hormone tends to last between a few hours and a few days, giving that sense of gooey sweetness and connection, the post-orgasmic afterglow. It does also appear to accumulate when there are ongoing positive interactions.

• Vasopressin: Similar to oxytocin, vasopressin is a neuropeptide that influences social behavior, pair bonding, and aggression. It’s particularly linked to long-term commitment, attachment and protective behaviors. Like oxytocin, we get a big burst during orgasm and then its effects can contribute to feelings of commitment and connection that extend beyond the immediate encounter, potentially influencing behavior for days.

• Dopamine: This neurotransmitter is central to the brain’s reward system. It’s released during pleasurable activities, including sex, and is associated with motivation, pleasure, and addiction. This is a short lived booster but can help us remember that sex is good and fun, and to want to do it again.

• Endorphins: These are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. They are released during exercise, pain, and sexual activity. This helps us have that stress-relief feeling and short term high.

• Testosterone: Both men and women respond to flirting and ‘the chase’ with a boost of testosterone, but it also increases in cuddling too. The testosterone boost from flirting appears to be primarily triggered by the mating effort signal — novelty, pursuit, competition, being chosen.
  This usually declines in long term relationships which can have negative effects both on the passion in relationship as well as consequences for mens health over the long term.
  One of the easiest known ‘fixes’ here is to allow flirting outside the relationship (for men; just 5 minutes around an attractive new woman can create a significant boost, so strippers and sexy waitresses might not be just ‘entertainment’ but doing a public health service for men ;) ) but ideally we are focusing on bringing flirtatious, playful, pursuit-oriented energy within the relationship, which is likely to replicate enough of that signal to produce a hormonal response and keep that spark alive.

So how often should we be having sex? (According to science)

In a study Archives of Sexual Behavior (Yang et al., 2015) they found that having sex once a week was associated with significantly higher levels of well-being and relationship satisfaction compared to having sex less than once a week. However, increasing frequency above once a week didn’t show a significant additional benefits. Based on this, most researchers and clinicians working in this space suggest that somewhere around 1–2 weeks is where many couples begin to notice a subtle drift — even if they don’t consciously realise the tension is because of a lack of sex. They may blame work or whatever they’re bickering about without realising the lack of erotic intimacy is playing a part in the tension. Beyond about 2–3 weeks, couples in otherwise healthy relationships often report increased emotional distance, irritability, and a paradoxical difficulty initiating reconnection.

So based on this, you could say that having sex or physical intimacy of some sort at least once every 2 weeks could be defined as a need (if we define need as something that affects our wellbeing and life and without it creates problems, but of course people survive perfectly fine without sex over long periods of time and don’t actually die even if they might not be thriving) and more than once a week is a matter of desire or preference. I would say based anecdotally on the relationships I observe and have been part of, neurodiversity can play into the frequency of desire, with ADHD humans usually having more sexual desire based on dopamine drive and stress-relief benefits.

Of course, every relationship and human is different so there can not be a perfect golden rule for how often is ‘right’. For people who have serious tension around sex (whether because of trauma, lack of trust or having too much sex they don’t want for too long) then once a week might feel overwhelming. At the same time, in relationships where intimacy is rare, relationship satisfaction is also lower as a result. This is why working through sexual traumas and working on creating high quality sexual connection is really important and not just a luxury.

It’s gotta be sex you actually want to be having…

One of the biggest drivers of sexless relationships is having way too much unsatisfying sex for way too long. We don’t need every erotic encounter to be mind-blowing, but consistently having sex that is painful, one-sided, unsatisfying or passionless is going to create a negative association with sex that will naturally cause the person to opt-out of it.

Sex uses a lot of energy, so without the ‘reward’ of the pleasurable neurotransmitters released in good sex, it’s understandable someone won’t want to keep doing it. Physical closeness can be delicious or disinteresting to a person depending on their arousal levels. The feeling of sweat, the smells of the body, the sounds and fluids — the enjoyment of (or disgust at) this is strongly related to the brain state you enter in erotic encounters and how ‘in the moment’ you are. If we’re deeply surrendered, our prefrontal cortex is going offline and our primal instincts are coming online, then our usual aversions and hesitations should ideally soften. If we’re not cutting through the habitual mind, then we may still be stuck in the more controlling and analyzing part of the mind where we’re less connected to pleasure and present moment flow.

Good quality eroticism will bring us into an altered state of consciousness where our habitual mind and patterns soften and we are accessing more pleasure, more connection and more flow with our partner. It’s a trance state, where the edges of you and me blur and something bigger than us takes over. Most of us never learned how to go to this place, it’s definitely not shown in porn where the external performance is prioritised over the felt sense experience.

There are however practices that can reliably and consistently allow us to go there. This is what Sacred Sexuality offers us.

There is a collective story that women loose interest in sex, they ‘have a headache’ and don’t want to do it… the reality is these women usually have had unsatisfying sex that hasn’t ‘scratched their itch’ and there is little motivation to continue. Women who are sexually satisfied and have activated their erotic potential usually want more sex than men. If you notice you’re complaining that your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, the first question to ask is how are you planning to make sex so good for them that they’ll be begging you for it? That might involve upskilling in sexual technique, helping them heal from sexual trauma and create enough safety to feel more pleasure or collaborating deeply with them to support their erotic fulfillment — and not be a conversation bargaining ‘I do this so you do that’ or guilting and shaming your partner for not wanting to sleep with you.

Growing Erotically Together

When you approach the lack of sexual intimacy in relationship from a genuine desire for your partner to be erotically fully expressed and satisfied, without shaming them or subtly making them feel broken or not enough for how they currently experience their sexuality, then real deeper work can begin. This can be a long process, it can take years in some cases — but if we can see this as an adventure, as a journey of self and romantic actualization and playful exploration together, then it can keep desire alive and connection strong for many more years to come.

Because hey, if we’re already perfectly compatible and deeply satisfied from the get-go, where is the growth in that relationship? I know through dozens of private conversations that usually the most immediate sexual chemistry makes for an intense initiation relationship, but rarely ends up being the life-long partnership that people crave. Usually, the person you’re most compatible with long-term will be a sexual dynamic that will need to be nurtured, grown into and supported over the years (Sounds a bit unfair huh? But I can tell you even the most hot sexual dynamics that feel like a drug can burn out and have their issues after some years, I’ve been there!)

To work with this we need both partners to choose to step into this, to work on their ‘stuff’, to learn new skills, to prioritise connection and intimacy, to be open to their partner and open to their own pleasure. The partner with less sexual desire holds most of the power here — the ability to shut off the connection and control the amount of intimacy that occurs, which can be effecting the mental health of the other partner. If they remain closed and unwilling to connect, it is inevitable that resentment will build. This isn’t to say they should be forced to have sex or manipulated into it, but that we can get really curious why they wouldn’t want to be connecting, what those blocks to intimacy are and how they can learn to enjoy and desire connection more, because there is always something under the surface when desire subsides, and it’s a worthwhile exploration to go on.

Prioritising eroticism for relational harmony

The simplest way to ensure our needs are getting met in this regard is to plan a date night per week which is reserved for intimacy, and to not force what has to happen on that date but to come to it with the intention of connecting in whatever way is available. This might be 15 minutes of deep cuddling at a minimum (not just watching TV and cuddling but fully focused on each other, breathing together, feeling your bodies, eyegazing and kissing ideally for deeper release of oxytocin) or perhaps exploring new pleasure practices, learning new skills, offering each other pleasure and learning what you like and what gets you both going.

For this to work, the person who has least desire must be willing to step in and see what they are available for. It’s a simple question that can go a long way… instead of a full stop NO, the question is ‘Where is the yes today?’. Maybe their yes is receiving a massage, maybe they want to play-fight or dance. Maybe it progresses to more, maybe not. But as the lower-desire partner holds the power here, and the other partner is more open and available to connect in this way, the person with lower desire can start to explore what it will take for them to ‘get in the mood’ and find their yes, no matter how small. Over time this will accumulate to more pleasure and joy for both people when we learn what really works for us and show up for ourselves and each other in connection together.

Need support?

Relationships are complex. Sexuality is sensitive grounds. We can’t always figure it all out alone.

I’m a trained and certified integrative sex, love and relationship coach with over 7 years professional experience supporting couples. I bring together somatic, therapeutic coaching methodologies with sacred sexuality and tantric practice, to support couples to work through these challenging dynamics and to explore their erotic potential together.

I can see the dynamics playing out that you may not even notice, and offer tools that work time and time again to cultivate desire, to heal relational woundings and to experience erotic connection beyond what you may have experienced before.

And the container creates the accountability to show up and practice together, no matter how busy you get. Even just 90 minutes bi-weekly dedicated to your intimate connection will make a difference.

Read more about my Liberated Relationship Coaching here and schedule a call if you’re interested to work together.

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The most recent of course the CNN expose, but all accumulating from things like the Epstein Files, The Australian survey showing approximately 1/3 men have sexual attraction to minors, Gisèle Pelicot’s trial and the 70k men found in that rape chat groups and other American studies showing a majority of men have sexually assaulted a woman at least once as well as the Manosphere documentary. All on the backs of ‘Metoo’ and many years of women and men speaking up about the prevailance of sexual abuse, misogyny and rape culture.

It’s a lot. And while many of us women know this is the commonality because we are the ones who experience sexual harassment, abuse and violence since we are young girls (and hear from all out friends), it’s never been so clearly out in the open and documented.

And there is, of course, a lot of defensiveness from men as these revelations come to light of the commonality of abuse against women, and how they do not wish to be lumped in with ‘those men’.

People want to believe they are a good guy, not one of the bad guys, as if it’s a neat division between good and bad.

But reality has far more grey, and really we are all behaving on a spectrum day by day. If we want to heal from this collective wound, we need far more men aiming for the far side of the ‘good’ spectrum, well beyond what many ‘good guys’ are currently doing.

While most men may not drug and rape their wives and charge for it on the internet, or participate in child trafficking, the reality is a majority of men still participate in coercive behaviors, sexism ranging from outright harmful to seemingly benevolent, and problematic attitudes towards women which keeps this system running.

And of course, women are also on a spectrum of behaviors from downright evil and abusive to loving and caring, and that is a conversation we can have another day, and should have — but right now, the issues with men’s bahviour is rightfully at the forefront because it’s killing and traumatizing women en mass.

A lot of men might think they would never actually rape a woman, but don’t realise they contribute to the same harmful culture and behaviours in other ways —from consuming unethical porn (and yes there is ‘ethical porn’ out there, it’s also not black and white) to making sexist jokes, and especially common is engaging in sexual coercion to pressure women to have sex with them (so common that a recent study says 95% of men engage in some kind of coercive behavior sexually).

If we want to collectively heal and transform this distortion so that men and women can have the nourishing and empowering relationships we know are possible, we need better than men settling for ‘I don’t hurt women’ and instead more men moving further along the spectrum to truly being a ‘good man’ in a way that heals and regenerates. Men embodying a way that truly ‘protects’ by making the world a safer, better place not just in the moment but for future generations.

The Destructive to Regenerative Masculinity Spectrum

I created this spectrum inspired by some other graphs that talk about moral/ethical spectrums and other spectrums of harm, but stretched it further than I’ve seen before to bring in what is actually healing and regenerative for the world, not just sustainable by not causing more harm, and bringing in some levels that people may not really think of usually in this discussion. This is pretty directed at hetero dynamics but can still be applicable to queers for attitudes towards cis women.

So let’s journey from what we can all agree is on the evil/bad man side of the spectrum to a masculinity that heals, transform and moves the world along

DESTRUCTIVE.

Generally illegal for good reason — these behaviors cause trauma and pain that can last generations. The far end of the three categories here is the rarer, really deeply painful expression of the dominator paradigm and psychological distortion that creates immense pain and suffering. The middle category is sadly way too common, with some stats saying around 1/3 of men have perpetrated and played in that category. Level 3 is actually sadly common, especially amongst immature young men and boys but even into adulthood, with one study saying 95% of men have engaged in coercive sexual behaviors.

1. Pure evil — Trafficking, serial rape, femicide, child sex abuse, systematic sexual abuse in cults and religions... Not much more to say here, I hope we can all agree these are absolutely reprehensible, evil things to do and recognize the lasting harm caused.

2. Violent and Exploitative — Domestic Violence, rape, coercive control, hatred of women, manosphere style promoting of hatred of women and violence towards women. This includes consuming violent or nonconsensual pornography. Drink spiking. Physical and psychological violence to children... All things that cause serious trauma and pain, all highly destructive and mostly illegal.

3. Coercive and Predatory — Coercion, sexual pressure, non-consent violations/touch/boundary crossing, intimidation and aggression towards females and children. “You owe me”, unsolicited explicit content, groping, stealthing, power abuse. This includes pressuring women into sex, manipulating them, lying to get laid, guilt trips, pushing boundaries, using intimidation tactics and generally making women feel unsafe.

HARMFUL.

Here the behaviours might not count as crimes but they contribute to the harm against women and the potential for women to feel safe and respected. This is the most common level for a majority of men at the moment and is a product of patriarchy and thousands of years of sexist beliefs and conditioning.

4. Sexism — Rape jokes, objectification, sexual harassment. normalising violence through humour, slut shaming, degradation. Many manosphere/incels who haven’t committed a crime yet are in this level, they may encourage or even ideolose those who commit the destructive crimes. These sexist behaviours normalise the violence of the destructive level and enable more extreme harm, and often lead to crimes being committed.

5. Casual sexism —microaggressions, dismissiveness, interrupting, talking over, undermining women’s expertise/mansplaining... This is the most common level for modern men who haven’t done any of the work to recognise their sexism and patriarchal programming, and they make women feel uncomfortable and invalidated, harming self esteem and opportunities for women and often putting women into freeze/fawn responses.

COMPLICIT.

At this level you may consider yourself one of ‘the good guys’ because you’re not actively harming women or traumatizing them outright, but you still keep the old program running and aren’t making it better.

6. Benevolent sexism — “I protect women”, tradwife fetishization, casual paternalism and a sense of superiority to women, chivalry as control and to maintain power, fragile when women don’t comply. They might think their beliefs of women as ‘beautiful flowers who need protecting’ is a nice thing, but if women don’t conform to the limited script of femininity they loose respect. They don’t want women *too* empowered. Conditional support and infantalising beliefs about women. Often attracted to particularly ‘young women’ because they seem less threatening and are more able to hold power over them.

7. Silent bystander — “not my problem”. sees harmful behaviour yet says nothing, protects male friendships over women’s safety, looks the other way with sexist jokes and remarks. Dismisses statistics and lived experience of women speaking about misogyny, undermines the severity. Wants people to ‘get over it’ and avoid discomfort of really looking into the patterns or doing the inner work to weed out these issues.

GROWING.

Here we start really moving towards change, men are actively doing the inner work and wanting to help women and making a better world. When men enter this category they are no longer making it worse for women in this world, and are starting to step into real positive change that will also help them heal and have more thriving relationships.

✦ This is a necessary floor — but not enough for true collective change Here we are ‘sustainable’ and able to create minor healing over time but not enough

8. Performative allyship — “I’m one of the good ones”...surface support but often fragile when challenged, no real structural change — but they’re at least trying a bit. The immature steps of learning about feminism but not really integrating it deeply. Often having an agenda to be liked by women and wanting something from their actions, still needing validation and brownie points for doing the work and likely still fragile emotionally.

9. Conditional Reverence — The polarity bros, the Tantric ‘fuckboys’ and men learning to worship and revere women, though still a limited spectrum and idea of femininity that is conditional. Still believes in hierarchies and gender essentialism that limits womens authentic expression and limits their own capacity to feel and live based on masculine ideologies. This is the full blossoming of benevolent sexism where it seems all good and loving on the surface, but is still not weeding out deep patriarchal problematic ideologies fully, so they are still caged even if it’s a golden cage with incense and devotional rituals. This is a kind of ‘gender ideology’ (though people like to claim it’s only queers who have identity issues). This is often most exposed by attitudes towards queers, butch/masculine women and women who show anger or ‘unfeminine’ qualities.

10. Unlearning —Has started to do genuine shadow work and healing work, engaging in therapeutic processes, reading books or learning from feminists, challenging deeply held beliefs about men and women, healing mother/father wounds that replay in relationships, learning about consent and boundaries and being mindful of how they engage with women. If all men could reach this state, we’d have a much better world. This should be the baseline of ‘good man’ and a sustainable level to not continue old patterns.

HEALING AND REGENERATIVE

At this level there is a fundamental shift in consciousness, a way of viewing our responsibility to not just ourselves and our lovers but future generations and our communities, a deep respect for human life regardless of our preferences and a devotional attitude that helps us do the hard inner work to change and grow for the sake of love and healing. Here it's no longer just about us, what we get from others, what we like or dislike. It involves deeper awakening work beyond our identities, liberation from harmful conditioning and a true breaking free from patterns that wound and harm.

11. Emotional sovereignty —He has committed to the process and gone deep. We’re talking shadow integration, healing his own wounds, unlearning actively, learning to embrace his ‘feminine’ side (aka emotional intelligence, nurturing, care). Gathering communication skills and erotic skills so he can give women true pleasure and satisfaction in relationships and be a good lover. He is willing to call out/in other men and he is amplifying women’s voices, learning from women, supporting them and no longer emotionally dumps, emotionally manipulates or lets his trauma run the show.

12. Co-creating — Actively supports women’s autonomy and erotic sovereignty · Models new masculinity for other men, genuinely worships and loves ‘the feminine’ and women no matter how they choose to express. Speaks publicly and openly about womens issues and feminism. Is willing to engage in debates and challenge other men who hold sexist beliefs. Knows this is a lifelong journey.

13. Regenerative masculinity — Helps other men to heal and grow, will mentor and support other men to become empowered . Learns from women, supports their evolution and thriving, uplifts their voices. Co-creates new social structures and helps channel wealth and power towards female leadership and new possibilities for political and social change. Their presence helps make the world a better place not just for women in their life but for future generations. They’re actively challenging gender norms, patriarchy, capitalism and other manifestations of the dominator paradigm. They use their privilege and power for the good of humanity.

This is a first attempt at naming this scale, so I am curious for feedback and input on these categories and anything I may have missed. I am inspired by a lot of wonderful men in my life and in my industry who are in this healing/regenerative state that are really showing up, doing the work and making the world a better place for women.

I have been fortunate that I have had wonderful male partners who genuinely love and respect women, who have helped me in my work and helped me to become self-actualised in all my intense, wild, fierce, feral womanly wisdom so I share this from a deep embodied knowing of what male/female relationships CAN be. Not just from theory. From knowing these men, from holding containers for this kind of healing and being part of the change.

So men reading this, hopefully you can see where you are on this scale and how you might engage further to move into the regenerative category to be supporting women in the world to heal this wound. I know many of you deeply crave empowering, mutually respectful, healing relationships where we lift each other up and transform these wounds into love and liberation. Relationships that heal the trauma virus of patriarchy and make the world a better place. We need you empowered, emotionally attuned and willing to step up beside us, not to get anything from us but for the sake of love and healing on this planet.

Resources for Regenerative Masculinity

I’ll end with some places you can go to do this work if you’re feeling inspired!

Firstly my husband Tristen does heart-led masculinity work and coaching, and helps men on this journey. Connect with him here for 1:1 support.

Mythic Masculine podcast and courses. Check out this great podcast to get started!

Books:

Riane Eisler - The Chalice and The Blade and/or The Power of Partnership

Bell Hooks- The Will to Change

Robert Bly- Iron John

Terry Real - Us

Feel free to drop more below!!!

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We can’t expect more stability, more predictability or simplicity in our near future.

The most important resource to navigate the challenges ahead is our inner resiliency and capacity to adapt to change. Because change is the only guarentee we have right now.

It’s not the time to slack on your practice, to numb out and dissociate from the world or to let yourself fall into freeze. It’s not the time to get lazy and fall into old patterns.

And honestly, the combination of Tantric spiritual work and somatics has the ability to support us with navigating the complexity and unpredictability of the future in a way that many people can’t imagine when they first hear of them.

Tantra for a spiritual path that embraces the world and all challenges and aspects of your life as a practice to transform, bring more consciousness and awaken in even the depths of intensity and chaos. Tantra helps us break out of illusion, transform our lives and find the love at the heart of it all.

Somatics for the trauma-informed understanding of your nervous system and psyche, how to re-wire the body-mind to expand out capacity to stay present and move between activation and rest when needed, to heal trauma-patterns and cultivate true rest.

It is possible to be in the chaos and be deeply rooted in your center. While the world can feel harsh these days and things can easily become too fast, too overwhelming, too much… We can stay deeply anchored to love and beauty in a way that allows us to move with the changes and even enjoy the ride.

I’ve gotta say, I am pretty concerned for a lot of people I know who are sweet sensitive souls who just haven’t built inner resilience and capacity to handle the overwhelming nature of life yet. People who, even when things were relatively stable, struggled to navigate the world and their relationships.

And I don’t say this to shame or judge, I know how much chronic health stuff and neurodivergence and complex trauma affect people (because I also have chronic health and neuro stuff, and most of my closest friends do too) but to inspire and motivate — because while some of us have harder cards dealt to us, they can actually be fuel for transformation and radical change.

Many of the most resilient and capable people I know came from deep trauma and challenges. This level of suffering was the fuel to make radical change in our lives.

What could have destroyed us instead transformed us.

The suffering kicked our asses so hard we had no choice but to go THROUGH the pain into liberation.

It is possible.

While my body might still be fragile, my heart and psyche isn’t *because* of all the yogic and somatic work I have done over the years… and I feel capable of navigating the challenges that will come because of those foundations, even if like many I have some anxieties and concerns for the future like any person who is keeping up with the news.

Consciously going into pain, cultivating a base level of pleasure and nourishment, digesting grief and rage, surrendering to what we can not control, learning to trust self and life and other, learning to navigate conflict and relationships... All of this is essential survival work in a complex future.

I wrote about this in my book on the chapter ‘Pain and Pleasure’

And not only does the resiliency cultivated from this work help us stay somewhat stable, open and adaptable as things change — but the capacity for joy, bliss and deep love keep us anchored to what truly matters, and able to enjoy the time we have here EVEN WITH all the pain and suffering. It’s not bypassing the suffering from privilege or ignorance, but stretching your ability to hold both the absolute horrors and the absolute love at the same time.

You can live in a body that causes constant pain AND feel deep pleasure and bliss

You can have everything fall apart around you AND find opportunity and hope amongst the ashes

You can let your heart break for all the evil and pain of the world AND hold hope and love through it all.

The spiritual work helps us to hold the paradoxes and complexities of it all without collapsing or repressing any of it.

The somatic work helps us to find our inner equanimity and balance our nervous system and emotions even as things come at us.

The relational work helps us find meaningful, supportive and cooperative relationships even as others break around us and turn against each other in base-level survival greed and competition.

And, I have to be real with you all — This essential work can’t just be done from watching reels or reading articles... It’s not just a mental understanding. I see people thinking they’re ‘doing the work’ because they’re taking in information, but they’re just getting a framing and not landing it in their lived way of being.

It takes real discipline. It takes showing up and being supported in it, whether that is in a coaching/therapeutic container, a group container/course, live events/retreats or ideally a mixture of all of these (because each method has its strengths and limitations)

Just like getting your physical body fit takes discipline (and not just watching videos of people working out), getting your psyche fit takes conscious effort and application. Meditation, breath work, shadow work, therapeutic work... It’s non negotiable if you want to train this aspect of your being.

And the thing we need to realise is that when things are most overwhelming is when it’s most important to practice. And that is when people are most likely to drop their practice all together. Heard the quote that goes something like — “Everyone should meditate for at least 30 minutes a day… unless you’re super busy, then you should meditate for 1 hour”. There is a truth there. When things are spacious and you’re feeling balanced and happy it’s nice to add some practice on top of that. But when you’re in chaos and stress it’s essential work.

It’s ok to fall apart every now and then, but if we let ourselves completely collapse and get into chronic freeze, then we stop being adaptable. We limit our capacity to respond in intelligent ways to challenge. We risk our relationships. We lose trust in ourselves. And the more capacity we have, the more access to deep intuition, which is one of the most important things for navigating collapse and chaos.

As I said in my article on Erotic (self) Discipline, cultivating that discipline is a result of a realistic relationship to consequences. And in chaotic times, consequences are very real and impactful. The benefits can range from stabilizing to ecstatic.

Giving ourselves permission to take time, to slow down, to feel and cultivate the simple pleasures in life can feel like a luxury we can’t afford or give ourselves. Investing time and money in support, retreats and courses for self-actualization work can seem like an ill-advised investment when finances start becoming tight.

But really, we need the feelers. We need the ones who can keep their hearts open. We need the ones who still connect to love and hope and beauty — who can remind others there is something worth living for. We are needed to remind the world that goodness exists all around us and in every moment.

And- We who choose to feel need sanctuaries to nourish ourselves and each other, where we can remind ourselves what is means to choose love and live as love in a space that doesn’t feel as harsh and overwhelming.

To reconnect to the transmission of Eros when we forget. To remind ourselves what truly matters. And to let ourselves resource in that love so we can let it flow out into the world and inspire others.

There are more than enough people out there living from fear, anger, bitterness, numbness, obligation.... To choose love and live from another paradigm isn’t always easy.

Give yourself permission to enter these sanctuaries, especially when you feel like you don’t have the time/space/money because that’s when we need it most. It’s not selfish, it’s not a luxury, at the end of the day it’s that which matters most.

Ready to do the work?

Start with my book ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ to get the core philosophy, framework and practices that combine Tantra and Somatics. (The audiobook is a few days away from being complete but will take some weeks to end up on the usual platforms but you can still buy it direct from me and start listening)

Get the Companion Course with the recordings of all 40 practices to do them alongside the book content (to turn a book + recordings into a 22 module Tantric course that will change your life TBH for only like €110)

In a few weeks (when I’m back in Thailand) I’ll be opening up again for private mentorship/coaching, and generally now I’m only going to work with people who have read my book so we can spend the 1:1 time going super deep and I don’t have to explain concepts I’ve already written about. So if you are interested in working with me and haven’t got the book yet, please start there!

If you’re in Australia come join me for the last few events in Melbourne and Sydney. It looks like travel will not be such a thing in the coming years so don’t expect me to be back in Aus any time soon (for real, probably only super wealthy people will be flying in the coming years if you’re not keeping up with the news)

I also have courses on the Sensual Arts School such as ‘Embodied Tantrika’ if you want a more structured course related to this topic.

What happens when you and your lover decide to make love every day for a whole month?

I wanted to know, so we did it and documented it.

Expect sex (obviously), magic, trauma and some drugs if you continue… Most of the post is free, but when it gets to the daily diary entries then paid subscribers get the entire month to enjoy.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, and like all long-term relationships, we have moved through seasons of hot eroticism, seasons that feel dry and disconnected, seasons of playfulness, seasons of kinkiness… as well as times where we’ve been ‘open’ (aka dating others) and times where we’ve intentionally closed.

Desire and Libido are fluctuating things, and a challenging thing over the years with a lover is when patterns start to get ingrained, stories form about how we percieve ourselves and each other, and how we can lack discipline over time as other things in our lives take priority.

I have been working with couples for about 8 years now, so not only do I have my own relationships as a lab to understand desire and eros in relationship, but I get to see many dynamics up close and personal. I know what is common, what is ‘normal’ and also the potential of what relationships and eroticism can be when both partners really explore and prioritise their lovership. I have studied Tantra, conscious sexuality, kink, eroticism and all things sex and love for over 15 years now too, so I have more than a few tools in my toolkit.

We created this guide with our 9 principles for Sacred Relating, which we based the retreat we ran during this month on actually!

Download it for free here

Where we were when we started

I’ll be honest, at the start of this challenge we were in quite an erotic lull. Triss had been on and off sick for well over a month, so we had barely had any intimacy in that time and the various illnesses were impacting his energy and mental health, and ongoing before that we were often having some tensions around frequency of eroticism. I have quite a high sex drive, and my ideal is to be having erotic connection at least 3 times a week. Triss was pretty content with once a week and we’d butt heads about it every now and then, and often I would feel powerless (the one who says no more holds the power) and he would feel pressured and anxious (the one who says no can also feel not enough and guilty).

I had been working for quite some time on ‘equanimity’ and accepting what is. When I’d feel needy or under-sexed I’d either transmute the energy, move into solo practice or at times go on dates or to dance events where I could let some eros flow with others. I tried not to pressure, coerce or manipulate to get my desires met (I wouldn’t say ‘NEEDS’ here though it’s more common for people to start calling this a need. I think once a fortnight would be a NEED for me in a relationship, and above that is a preference). I think this is a super important step — that we can learn to be with what is, to accept our partner and their desire and meet our own needs as much as possible (consensually of course). Especially because being needy, leaky or desperate tends to pressure and then turn off a partner with lower desire even more, so it’s a great way to have lots of arguments and hurt feeling. So, I got pretty good at being ok with having less intimacy than I desired and accepting what was on offer…

BUT…

I also know how much more connected, secure, resourced and happy I am when I am having more sex. I could be ok with what I was getting, but it wasn’t making me thrive. I didn’t have much desire for the complexity of open relating (and I rarely find anyone attractive in a romantic/erotic way) and I was wanting this specifically with my partner.

Also, I literally teach this stuff for my soul work/living, and I was wanting to stretch my skills and perspectives on eroticism, especially as I prepare to write my next book which is focused on couples and create some new couples courses. My inner muse needs inspiration and real life play.

I also knew there were some underlying patterns and stories playing out between me and Triss, some ways in which our lovemaking could use some improvement skills-wise (even after so many years of studying and workshops, I always love learning new techniques!) I felt that our sex was flatlining, like sure we have regular, deep, connected, lovely sex (better than what most people could probably dream of if I’m honest) but I knew there was more we could be tapping into, and I suspected one of the reasons we weren’t having more sex was because of some old stories that wanted healing.

We had tried a 1 week challenge before and made it 5/7 days… and I really wanted to take it further. So I had a conversation with Triss about it, challenged him to the month (knowing we had a pretty spacious February before travelling and being busy again where we’d have less time) and he accepted the challenge! So starting Feb 1st, we committed to a month of lovemaking.

The Why and How

We had many interesting conversations over the month about the why that was emerging and even deepening as we went on.

• We’re doing this to explore the potential of our eroticism (sometimes calling it ‘love lab’ to experiment with tools of intimacy and ecstacy)

• We’re doing this to heal some of these crunchy patterns that have been emerging over the years and to be sure they don’t continue in the same way with the same arguments

• We’re doing this because sex is fun and pleasure is good for you (I think thats a quote from the Ethical Slut?)

• We’re doing this because we are the kind of people who practice what we preach

• We want to find a way to experiment with how we can be authentic, connected and real in who we were each day and how we showed up, and find our way to bliss through whatever gateway was there

• It’s our sadhana (spiritual path) to work with eros and love so this is our yoga and work

These are a few ‘why’s’ that came through over the month that guided us and kept us motivated and disciplined even on the hardest days (because yeah, there were hard days!) While we had a lot of spaceous days we were also having very busy times (like running a 4 day retreat) and of course working with my cycle (and times where I’m really not horny) and my chronic illness where I have fluctuating pain and fatigue.

Then came the ‘how’, like, what are the rules here? What constitutes ‘making love’? What are we aiming for?

We’re not in the heterotypical patriarchal paradigm where only penis-entering-vagina counts. Our focus was authentic, genuine intimacy that is deeply consensual and real for both of us, and we’re both way too attuned to our bodies needs to overwrite a NO if our bodies are a no to penetration. So that idea was off the cards. We created our own minimum and definition that felt realistic and doable.

The minimum - 10 minutes of belly to belly breathing/sounding embrace. This is one of our all-time-favourite practices where you find a position to be in contact where your bellies are ideally touching and you breathe together with sounding on the exhale. It can get you into deep relaxation and co-regulation, so it’s a great minimum on days where you’re exhausted.

And what were we seeking? What ‘counts’? Well, it’s hard to define but we know ‘it’ when we feel ‘it’… the merging, the altered state of consciousness, the union… you could be fucking for an hour and not feel it, or deeply kissing for 5 minutes and get there. It’s the presence of Eros, the sweet bliss of going beyond the ordinary state of seperation. It’s honest and raw and beautiful. That is what we’re aiming to find our way to each day, using whatever tools or mediums we have at our disposal and whatever capacity we have.

We also decided around the time of starting this challenge to be monogamous not just for the challenge but for a year, as this challenge is just the start of a new chapter for us intimately.

So the arrangement was 1 month (28 days since it was Feb, but we actually did 29 because the 28th was a bit too flat for the finish) with a minimum of 10 mins belly breathing together a day, with the aim to drop into a state of Eros in whatever way worked or was desired.

We had also just bought a course late last year from the wonderful Kenneth Play called ‘Beyond Satisfied’ that we explored for some of the sessions, where there are guided videos for multiple orgasms, squirting, anal play and more! I hit him up for an affiliate because we found it so valuable and I wanted to be able to recommend it more to other couples who might be less confident with specific sexual skills. Check it out here!

What we discovered

When we started, I was in the fertile part of my cycle so it was easy. We also had lots of spaceousness. After a week, things started to get more challenging, but it went in waves depending on the day. During this time the Epstein files were released, so you get a peak into how that affected our connection, as well as how we managed that connection while co-teaching the retreat, packing and leaving Thailand later in the month (so ‘hard mode’)

I realised over that days that eroticism is a kind of biohacking - You’re currently in state A, you want to get to state B (Bliss, union, eros..) and you use whatever tools you need to change states… and thankfully I have a LOT of tools and rituals and practices after so many years in the sacred sexuality scene.

Many times, our intimacy encounters started very silly or weird. We are both Australian and culturally we tend to make jokes and avoid intimacy with humour a little too much, and we were aware at times when this was just our playfulness and how we connect, and times when this was avoidance and resistance. Usually, it would change rather fast into something steamy and hot. I kind of wish we had some videos of the sessions because the contrast was so fascinating.

Other times, we had arguments or tension emerging and had to somehow bring that into practice and alchemise it. This was the real yoga where we didn’t quit or bypass but stretched ourselves to hold both our love and frustration together and to let it move and express.

A big transmission was our intimacy being our sanctuary. Having this really profound feeling of sacredness of the space between us, the safety and incredible trust we have together, the rawness, the way we can alchemise it all into love together… relationship as sanctuary was really alive and something I want to write more about and even create offerings about because it was so alive.

Scheduling the time was something we often messed up, not planning ahead enough and leaving it until way too late at night. We discovered a long time ago we prefer intimacy in the mornings, and actually were listening to a podcast where they spoke about why biologically morning is the ideal time for sex (as far as hormones/energy) but alas we kept making the same mistake and more than I would have liked, we ended up doing the default minimum.

We found that the quality of our overall relationship improved dramatically. Our overall wellbeing was much better. We had less sharp moments in day to day communication (we run the business together which is usually where we clash more than anywhere else in our lives). Many of the stories and blockages healed over the weeks and we learned a lot about each other and ourselves in the process. Our sex became even more fun and passionate, there was a wave of ‘NRE’ vibes and kind of like a honeymoon feeling that came through. I felt fully met and overflowing, and met my own edges of how much sex I was actually wanting (usually feeling ‘I’m always up for it’ and having to really push myself some days to go there). And, we held each other through traumas, tensions and brought love and Eros to some challenging moments in a way that was very therapeutic and loving.

I journaled on our intimacy sessions each day as part of the project, and you can read them now to get a little insight into our dynamics. Some are more detailed than others (usually when I wrote right after, compared to others where I forgot for a day or two!). It will help you get a little taste of what it means to show up day after day and prioritise this connection.

The Day to Day Diary

Day 1.

Today was our postponed anniversary celebration, as Tristen had been sick and we had been busy with festivals and friends visiting, so we decided to move the celebration to a date where we could really show up for it. We blocked off the day in our calendar and started imagining some plans.

After a nice breakfast out, we had a relationship check-in. We read our wedding vows to each other and added parts that felt relevant for now. We reflected on the past year and what we hope for this coming year. We celebrated the stability we finally had and the spaciousness, and recognized some areas like our business and lovership had been put to the side and were ready to be prioritised again. We also made the decision to be monogamous for the next year as we channel all our erotic energy towards each other and our creations (not that we have been very active in non-monogamy anyway, but Triss felt the ‘what if’ to be an ‘energy leak’ and preferred we just be in or out)

After a lunch break and swim, we decided to finally log into an online sex course we bought a while ago and to do some of the modules. I have him an anal massage and he practiced some squirting techniques on me (that were very effective!). It was fun to do some very practical guided practices... its always interesting to learn new tips and techniques from sexperts!

We went out to dinner and desert, and were running low on energy but wanted to have a little more freestyle connection before bed, so we finished with an intimacy yoga practice that was very gentle, sensual and energetic, and interesting to explore.

It was a great start to our month of lovemaking!

Day 2.

I spent all day working my butt off... one of those hyper-productive almost-forgot-to-eat kinda days. When we got to the evening and Triss entered my room I felt a bit fried and numb and very unsexy.

We went to the bed together and he proposed that we have 10 minutes each to ask for something we want from the other. I started and because I felt so *bleh* I was inspired to ask for a body-percussion play, where basically he uses my body like drums and there is a lot of thudding and slapping to the rhythm of the music. It was great to have some more intense but grounding touch that let me wiggle and make sounds and release some tension. Towards the end of my time and having him do my back and front body, I asked for some of that touch on my vulva, which suddenly turned into me receiving oral and fingering until I came hard. Yum!

He was inspired to ask for the same, so I returned the favour.

It was short and impactful, it really helped me to come back to my body and feel inspired and alive again. It was a nice mix of fun and kinky, which usually goes down well for me. And it gave me some inspiration for our couples course around a range of tools that can help people switch vibes depending how they are feeling and how they want to feel!

Day 3.

Triss felt inspired to bring out the shibari ropes. We used to do quite a lot of rope but we’d barely touched them in years at this point! Mostly because I love receiving and giving sensual, devotional rope, but Triss doesn’t like being tied so much (and when he does, he wants it hard and intense), and wasn’t enjoying giving so much either. So I was happy when he suggested it.

We were going to follow a guided video, but it wasn’t what we expected, so instead we freestyled. At first it was more playful and light-hearted, I wasn’t feeling very turned on, but it was nice to just connect anyway.

Suddenly, at one point, I really felt him. His desire, his dominance… Time slowed and i started melting into a puddle in his touch. As I melted, he got more confident. He tied me in a reliable tie that we often come back to that is simple and effective, and his desire led him to fuck me as I melted.

It was an interesting mix with this experience because I had a lot of dark stuff on my mind with all the news of the Epstein files, so I was having some moments of struggling to let go as I thought of the huge collective wound around abuse of women, and some guilt/shame moments emerging where I was connecting with that shadow and doubting my own pleasure and desire. But, as I felt that contraction come, I looked at his eyes, told him I loved him and he said it back so sweetly, and I melted some more — knowing what we have is so profound and beautiful, and that even as we played with dominance and submission there is so much love and kindness infused in every spank and thrust.

(By the way if you didn’t know I have a Sensual Ropes online course where I teach shibari with a Tantric flavour!)

Day 4.

We had a full day with me going to water contact dance most the morning and us hosting a queer pool party with some friends in the evening, so I was not sure how we’d fit in the session. After lunch, Triss invited me for a ‘nookie and nap’ (I didn’t sleep well the night before!) and we had a simple yet delightful sexual play in his room that rolled into a nap for me before welcoming our guests. It felt natural, easy and playful while being soft and sensual.

Day 5.

This morning we had a set time for intimacy yoga. We’d been to bed late after the party and were late to meet, but we decided we wanted to still do at least 30 minutes of practice.

I’d seen our teachings post a demo of a practice we often do with a twist, bringing the communication practice ongoing into our sexual play (so not just sitting across from each other sharing what we see and feel with each other but actively moving into lovemaking while still expressing these things)

It was really beautiful to hear what was going on in our inner worlds as our bodies connected. It was romantic, passionate, sweet and at times primal. I struggled at times to articulate worlds, wanting to melt into the wordless bliss and loose myself, but keeping the sharing going even at the edge of myself was actually incredible. This was definitely ‘it’ and a potent experience that nourished us both on a real soul-level.

Day 6

I was feeling a bit inflamed and tired, I was sure it was going to be something chill today. At Sunset I came out of my room and saw Triss spinning his Dappo Star outside and decided to go join him. He offered me some weed and I decided to have some, hoping it’d also provide some help with the joint pain. We were agreeing to meet before dinner to play, after he did some cleaning, but we started making out at some point and it was ON. He lifted me onto the kitchen counter at first in the heat of passion, but since the cleaning had yet to be done (and therefore I ended up with vinegar on my kimono) we decided to meet in my room.

I love stoned sex, I have had sex on many drugs and I have to say, weed is up there as a favourite. I feel so sensitive, in the flow and horny. Its like every touch also becomes an image and sound, and I am SUPER energetically sensitive

We had some really sexy music playing, we danced together and made out passionately, and then he fucked me deliciously, bringing in some anal and energy sex until we were both squirming, shaking and blissed out

Day 7

There was a somatic relating workshop happening in the hotsprings, so we decided doing that together will be our intimacy session, since the rest of the day was quite full with a friend hangout and heading to the markets. We had some lovely practices of attuning to one another, holding space and co-regulating. I am absolutely obsessed with water dancing and love doing it with a partner, I am always trying to get Triss to join me for the water contact dance jams (but he isn’t so big on it) so i was grateful he joined me and was open to exploring more of this practice together. We had some beautiful moments flowing in the water together, and supporting one another.

At the end of this week period, we also reached the end of my fertile ovulation period. And yeah, it was quite an easy start to be doing the first week during kind of my peak ovulation phase. And yeah, we recognize that it’s kind of gonna get harder from here, but we laid some good foundations so far.

Day 8.

It was a Sunday, and we had a pretty relaxed day — our usual Sunday, which involved going out for breakfast, getting a massage and then coming back for lunch.

Towards the afternoon and evening, I was starting to feel very tired. I was feeling very flat, a little bit flared up/inflamed. We were discussing when we do the practice and what we should do. And I offered some suggestions to Tristen, things like doing a blindfold slow touch practice or maybe giving some very gentle body work. And one of the options was something a bit naughty, something that is a signature of ours, which I honestly feel a little bit shy to share here, but I will for the sake of transparency and honesty — which is to do the leftover ketamine that we had. Our signature move is 69ing on ketamine. As someone living with chronic pain, ketamine has been both therapeutic and fun, and is something we have reached for when we want to ‘party’ or have an experience, but I have too much pain or too low energy to get in the flow.

He went with that option, so that evening we set up the room and we brought out the small amount of ketamine that we had left over (that we’ve had with us actually since we lived on Koh Phangan, so over a year ago — so hopefully that shows that we’re not regular/big users)

We had a fairly big dose as it was the last of the bag, and it was quite psychedelic. It started out that we were very in our playful inner child giggly mode, we were hanging out and talking and being a bit silly, and we had to really consciously try to redirect the energy towards bringing in some pleasure and touch. At one point, Triss started to massage me and starts to go down on me, and it started really kicking in, it was very pleasurable and trippy and relaxing at the same time. It really helps my body to relax and at the same time feel really sensitive and really enjoy doing not much physical activity.

We eventually started getting into our usual mode of a very trippy delicious surrendered 69ing experience, and then the trippiness was actually getting a little too intense for me, I was really noticing body smells in a way which usually doesn’t bother me, but it was starting to distract me… and then my mind decided to start thinking about the Epstein files, I started having these darker thoughts creeping in, and I was getting really frustrated, I felt really violated that these thoughts and these kind of people were creeping into my erotic time with my partner, penetrating my sanctuary.

And it really made me have also more empathy for all the victims out there who must be struggling even more with this knowledge, and wondering how many other relationships it’s affecting, and how much secondhand trauma it’s bringing up in other bodies. It kind of felt like this black smoke, or this kind of web coming through, that felt like it was really encroaching on the experience I was having.

So eventually we broke out of the pleasure mode and came to just lay by each other and started sharing about the experience. I shared about what was going on for me and what was coming up, we were trying to find that balance of giving it space to be seen and heard, but also not going too into it and not spiraling out with it… Trying to keep coming back to this moment and our connection.

We ended up then just getting playful and hanging out a little bit more before he went to bed, and the eroticism didn’t return after that— but it still felt like an accomplished evening.

Day 9.

I was, again, not feeling great. I’m not quite sure what has been affecting me, if it’s just a typical histamine flare-up or something else. I rarely really know why my body rages against me sometimes, I just deal with it when it does.

We had a pretty busy work day for most of the day, having a meeting together and doing some work separately. And then we had a shorter period of time after Triss had a call for us to connect. We knew it wasn’t going to be a big one, because then I was going out to a cabaret pretty soon, so we just had about half an hour to connect. I had pretty low expectations.

We were both feeling pretty unsexy and pretty flat, so we started to just do a little bit of our practice of sharing desires and connecting with our breath and eye gazing, and trying to drop in together. We did a little bit of this Kundalini breathing that we like— but my back was hurting, so I wanted to lay down, then he wanted to lay with me. We continued a little bit of a energy circuit, breathing up and down through each other’s central channels. I started feeling the Eros coming, I started feeling this flow and this connection starting to creep in.

But— then the pillow that we’re on was too squishy, and it was in the way. We lost ‘it’ as we had to reshuffle and then it felt like the energy just completely collapsed in on itself — the moment had passed and we didn’t really find our way back into the connection.

This actually led us to an interesting conversation around what is the goal? What are we actually seeking here when we’re talking about lovemaking or intimate moments? What is that quality? Or how do we know if we’ve achieved it or not? We were speaking of this flow state and this feeling of surrender and rapture and the blurring of the self and this essentially altered state of consciousness— like, that’s what I’m really seeking— Which is a non ordinary state where we really drop in, a felt sense or quality when Eros is there, when there is this merging in this really deeper sense… In my article on becoming an erotic connoisseur I speak about it too in the context of temple nights and erotic spaces, how it’s either ‘it’ or it’s ‘not it’… there’s either this quality of eros and depth and magic that emerges, or it can feel like people are just going through the sexual motions and it feels a bit more like a house party of people hooking up. We recognised how sometimes we might even connect and there might even be penis and vagina sex, but it might feel a little bit more mechanical or shallow, it might be fun but it doesn’t really have that depth that I really crave.

Day 10.

So I woke up really flared up. Definitely something is up and my body is being in a lot of pain so we had low expectations for today. We were going to meet for a longer morning practice, but I was feeling very not good in the morning, so we said we would see how the day goes and aim for later in the night. I took a lot of my typical anti-inflammatory must-haves and rested for a lot of the day. We met before bed, and we started to connect, and we were lying down together bringing in a little touch… and then there was a trigger.

I nipped Triss, and his body did not like that, and somehow it ended up spiraling into quite an intense debate where we were both feeling quite defensive and triggered around who was right or wrong in that moment— a classic tension between sensitivity versus wanting to express freely, and it really shut us down. It would have been easy to quit then, but I was quite stubborn, because I felt the last two nights we didn’t really get into that flow state that I was speaking of yesterday, I didn’t want this to just be like, okay, we cuddled and we got a bit triggered and whatever, it just isn’t in the flow today— There was a determined part of me who wanted to alchemize this and use our practices and use our tools to transmute it.

So, we eventually set up, sat across from each other, did some of our embodied communication practices and breathing together and felt our walls coming down a little bit, and more vulnerability emerged as we were able to see and feel each other deeper. Then, I eventually invited Triss to lay back down with me to cuddle, and as we’re cuddling I did start feeling that there was still some desire coming through, and I asked if Triss was open to still alchemizing and transforming this into pleasure. He expressed that he was still in a bit of a freeze, so he got up and moved his body a little bit to break him out of that and came back, and I started offering him some devotional loving touch and started stoking the fire and bringing some arousal. It built up very slowly, it was very careful and considerate, and then suddenly the fire was there and even to my surprise we ended up having a beautiful penetrative sex session that left me with a delicious screaming orgasm and feeling really satisfied. We felt both quite proud of ourselves that we did manage to get out of the trigger and back into our erotic connection, and that the tools were working.

Day 11.

While I was less flared up for most of the day, I started to dip again by the evening after water contact dance then working all afternoon. My eyes were stinging from mascara, my nose was blocked and I was feeling my glute workout from the morning.

Oh, and we were watching videos about the Epstein files before dinner.

I definitely did not feel sexy and I had little to give.

We went through some low energy options to connect, and had the inspiration to do some orgasmic meditation. I never learned from the infamous ‘One taste’, but I have done a few variations in workshops. We put on some meditation music and had 10 minutes each.

I recieved first, and actually my pussy was feeling sore and stinging. It was hard to find the right place and pressure for the stroke, I have scar tissue from old piercings that often hurts when there is friction, and the night before we had started penetration when I was not 100% lubricated enough, so I felt my pussy a bit mad at me. It was not so much a pleasure experience so much as a discomfort meditation.

Triss enjoyed his more, we did both a longer stroke and the more typical frenulum stroke.

After, we cuddled and felt connected yet tired, shared our gratitude and went off to bed.

Day 12

We finally did the Revolutionary Sex Magic ritual together... I had been wanting to explore doing it partnered for a while, but since the ritual was pretty full-power (going into the shadow and transmuting to light) and we’d been quite low energy for the past days, it didn’t feel accessible. We finally took the opportunity to do it earlier in the day.

I felt a little more heady and frozen than I would have liked in the shadow part, I could name the patterns but it felt trickier to get into my actual rage and grief. I tried to ‘fake it til I make it’ and make some sounds and movements, and I touched the surface, but didn’t really go as deep as I had during the Grief/Rage ritual we did in Bali that Triss had facilitated.

It felt much easier to drop into the visioning of the future, of what we want to see and the quality of our allyship in creating that. We spoke our visions out loud and felt them, we let ourselves say the visions with erotic, flirty energy and excitement. We let that vision into our bodies and started to connect with pleasure and touch.

We started to stroke each other and breathe, activating and getting aroused. Eventually we moved into yab/yum position and kept breathing and kissing as we invited the energy to rise through our chakras, eventually moving to penetration when I was ready.

Around the throat my back was starting to hurt and I was fatiguing in the position, so we laid down and continued the final few chakras with self touch while staying connected.

We built up together, but since Triss is usually practicing non-ejaculation (only on special occasions) he decided focus on me as the vessel for sending out the intention, and he helped me over the edge as we both stayed connected to this loving world we are helping to midwife.

Day 13.

We were both feeling pretty flat and unmotivated today. There were plenty of opportunities for us to connect, but we didnt, even though we were at home most of the day. We got towards the evening and spoke to the low energy, and decided we would do our minimum today (belly2belly). As we got later in the night, we spoke a lot about politics and revolution and predators, and how we could do more to make positive change in the world. I spoke of the powerful feminine rage I was feeling around and through me.

By 9.30 I was ready to sleep, and I asked Triss to come up to bed with me so we could do our belly to belly. I wanted to make sure if we were doing the minimum, it wasn’t just going to be ‘spoon til we fall asleep’ but an actual focused practice even if it was short.

He ended up taking over half an hour to meet me, and I was really cranky and starting to yell for him to hurry up by the time he arrived. The mix of being now over-tired, impatient, in PMS time and still feeling the collective rage and frustration, resulted in me getting really cranky and snapping at him. I just wanted to sleep at this point, but I didnt want to fail the challenge. I snapped at him to put on music and take the reigns since he made me wait so long, and by this point I was activated and on the edge of tears.

We got into position, he set up his phone so music would play for 17 minutes then stop to mark our time up. He held me from behind and we started our belly breathing, slowly making more and more sound on our exhales. He appologised for making me wait and not being there as he held me.

I started to feel his caring presence, offering me the space to move my emotions. As I felt his love and care, I started to cry and release the tension with each breath. We entered into a trance together, our sounds harmonizing and vibrating together. Gently the frustration moved and I felt young, I felt the grief at all that is happening in the world and the powerlessness to do enough about it. I felt held and loved as I went there, the layer of freeze and distance from the pain lifting so I could just feel.

By the end of the 17 minutes, we felt sweet and deeply connected. Offering each other tiny kisses and gratitude’s, and I finally could drift off to sleep.

Day 14

Its my birthday! Triss slept over the night before (we usually sleep in separate rooms) but I woke energised earlier than him, so made my way downstairs for a tea and to say hi to the dogs. Eventually he came down and demanded me to come back up to bed😉

It was playful, passionate and devotional. He asked me to speak my desires and I did a few times but I was so enjoying the flow as it was. He kissed me all over, telling me all the things he loves about my body as he went. He pleasured me and fucked me and it was the perfect way to start my day! And great to get it flowing early because I had friends coming over all afternoon for my birthday. Usually I run play parties for my birthday, but most of my friends were at a festival, and not many people in my current town are into play spaces, so it was a regular party with my eroticism private and just with my beloved, in true monogamous style ;P

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There is a question that comes up in retreats and deep dive containers on Sacred Sexuality all the time, most often from women.

“How do I show up in the world connected to my eroticism without getting hurt/shamed/rejected/exiled/judged?”

They taste their inner power, they get a transmission of what it could be like to be living like this more… juicy, flirty, playful, radiant, sensual… They get excited to access a power they didn’t know they contained and a group where it is safe and celebrated to embrace this part of them.

But then the outside world reality comes crashing in — If I am so juicy ‘out there’ then unconsensual eyes and hands will try to take it from me. If I hold this much erotic power, it will intimidate others. If I am in my fullness, it will trigger others who have rejected this part of themselves. It’s not safe ‘out there’ to be so erotically empowered.

This is a multi-faceted issue with a variety of factors to consider, and while women are often the ones to ask this question, men also face this issue in other flavours even if they don’t as often recognise and vocalise it— How do I be authentically erotic in a world where this energy is still so distorted and misunderstood?

So I brought this question into this months content in my ‘Deep Eros’ membership where we explore various facets and flavours of the erotic, and I allowed myself to bring in some personal shadow work and healing of my own inner split too.

The Split

The first part of this I’ll speak to is our own inner splits to reconisile with.

“I can’t be seen as smart/respectable AND a sexy bitch at the same time” (hey that’s me!)

“I can’t be a good mother and a slut” is the all-so-common new mother issue

“I can’t be a good guy and initiate/flirt/show my interest in women”

These splits leave us feeling that our erotic, juicy, passionate fire can’t co-exist with other aspects of ourselves. This is not just an inner split but a message we see externally all the time in media and around us. You’re either erotic or you’re ___, and we don’t have enough examples of people comfortably inhabiting both.

This is likely also due to this idea that our eroticism has to be explicit, that it is somehow pornographic or taboo, and not an inner state we can cultivate that can be expressed in harmony with any other part.

We don’t have to be twerking in lingerie to be erotic, we don’t have to be sexual to be erotic, we don’t have to be externally engaging with others to be erotic. To be erotic is to be fully immersed in the moment, connected to felt-sense and pleasure, to be playfully engaging with desire and in a state of fullness. You can absolutely be in your erotic essence while wearing business attire sitting on a bus to work and actually most people wouldn’t even notice (though some may sense a magnetism ‘for some reason’ to you)

When we are truly connected to our erotic essence it can be incredibly subtle to outside observers, but we are fully feeling ourselves and the moment, intimately connected to life and overflowing with this presence.

If you want to learn about this, it’s basically what my book ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ is all about — how we live an erotic, sensually alive life from our inner state shift and devotionally intimate presence.

The Unwanted Attention

Another factor brought up is ‘I don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention’, and like, of course for women living in rape culture we have to consider this! Too many of us have experienced ‘creepers’ taking and undressing us with their eyes or people grabbing or abusing us because of what we were wearing/how we were dancing etc. Discernment, safety and awareness to keep ourselves as safe as possible is important, which is a big reason why I stopped drinking heavily and going to clubs and places where assaults often happen. And again, the kind of authentic embodied eroticism we’re ‘aiming for’ doesn’t need to be externally expressive, and sometimes we mourn that the world can’t handle that yang eroticism so well — which is why creating safe erotic spaces with consent culture and permission is so important! It’s why I keep going to play parties even when I rarely engage with people but I just love being in sexy-positive erotic spaces where all of me is welcome and celebrated. Sometimes we need a space where we can wear that sexy lingerie and dance around like a slut and not have to watch our back if someone will grab us.

AND there is another layer.

I personally don’t fear or concern myself with worry if men will hit on me or show interest because

1. Of course they would, I’m a sexy bitch and it’s natural for men to be attracted to me.

2. Desire and attraction are natural, normal parts of life and I don’t shame people for experiencing it

3. I have badass boundaries and have 0 obligation to engage with their desire, and I’m absolutely comfortable with telling men to fuck off and leave me alone

# 1 and 2 are issues for some people, #3 is a major issue for most women and the biggest reason they avoid the attention at all— they’re not comfortable with their boundaries, to not fawn and to get stuck engaging in unwanted flirtation.

As a stripper of 10 years, I had extensive training at holding my boundaries, telling men to fuck off (sometimes aggressively, sometimes more skillfully) and eventually I started holding a give-no-fucks-self-loving frequency that repelled the most predatory men.

You see, there is actually plenty of research into who predators go for and why, and they ‘test’ their victims within the first minutes of interactions to see if they will be difficult or easy to prey on. If they cross your boundaries from the get go and you drop into fawning, freezing, laughing and playing along, they think ‘good prey, she won’t fight me’. If you straight away hold boundaries, speak with a strong voice and hold a strong posture they most often will not bother with you and find someone easier.

So, having badass boundaries, owning your rage and not being afraid to be a bitch is protection, both energetically (knowing you have this in you and holding yourself with that frequency) and practically (if they do come to test you and try something)

Just as men who know martial arts can hold a frequency that other men can sense just by how they hold themselves, we women can hold a frequency that repels the worst kind of men. Honestly, I’ve barely had any interactions that are like this in many years since I fully tapped into my power, it’s like an energetic shield.

I don’t want to shine too bright and trigger others

I get this one, I really do. There are a lot of sweet, lovely people who I’d like to be friends with who are too intimidated by me to even approach or engage with me. I spent plenty of time dulling myself down to fit in and not trigger people with their own insecurity. In shadow work, we recognise that the parts of ourselves we disown will be reflected in others who will activate that missing piece, either showing up as obsession or full blown rejection.

This is just a reality of how egos work, but also… the more we are in hooks/shadows/manipulation the more this will activate in others, and the more we are in a healthy balanced place of nourishment and wholeness, the less you’ll feel this externalized. I was writing on this in a post on the nature of good and evil recently —

So yeah, if we are still in some shadow aspects of our eroticism, we’ll see it mirrored externally more obviously. If we have come into more wholeness, we don’t see such polarising mirrors and projections (except maybe on the internet where people will just attack and throw mean comments on any sexy persons post just coz)

So there is a bit of both and…

Like yes, you owning your erotic aliveness and vibrancy will inevitably trigger people (and maybe they need to be triggered to realise they are lacking wholeness and missing that piece in themselves).

AND

Sometimes triggering a lot of people means you’re maybe a little far on one side of the pendulum between shut down and excessive expression

Sometimes you might want to blend in a bit more and not bring the drama and just like, chill in some trackpants with a-sexual vibes and keep the peace. Sometimes you’re really vibing and want to go full out with a ‘fuck you’ attitude and happily trigger others because that gets you off (I bet it got Nikki Minaj off, at least for a while)

I just know for me, the cost of cutting myself off from my eroticism is too high to sacrifice it.

So the question became

‘Am I willing to feel the discomfort of people being activated by me to honour my authenticity?’

And with that came a stretching of my capacity to be with other peoples ill feelings towards me. Sometimes just stretching into holding the haters, sometimes bringing compassion for their wounded parts and how they’re acting out because of their own lack and hoping they reclaim their Eros one day too.

Erotic Community

I mentioned before how having spaces where full erotic expression is essential. We are social creatures after all and it’s hard to fully embrace a part of you if you don’t see it mirrored back to you in other humans that it’s ok to be like this.

When we are seen, accepted and loved in our eroticism and wholeness, it imprints deep within us this unfuckwithable, unapologetic energy where we know this is who we are and it’s holy and sacred. Without that deep imprint from others, it can be hard to feel that unshackable confidence in your connection, it’s natural to wobble and think you’re maybe a bit crazy or unhinged or weird for being like this when your whole world reflects back to you something else.

When we enter spaces where we’re all tapping into our eroticism together, we can create a culture and community where this is normalised and welcomed and we can feel that safety and belonging in our eroticism that we deeply crave.

A problem with many sex positive spaces though, is that dynamics can emerge where we’re seeing that the most sexually open/promiscuous people are rewarded and get favourable treatment to those who are more discerning sexually. It’s extremely important that there is awareness of these dynamics and where people can be celebrated in whatever form of eroticism is authentic and true to them! This is vital for me in the spaces I create, where people are celebrated as much in their no and closing as they are in their opening, and that there are no sexual hierarchies or preferences based on who people sleep with. Whether you’re A-Sexual, monogamous, polysexual, into gangbangs or want one soulmate lover— all forms of sexuality should be celebrated if they’re true and authentic to the person exploring.

There is a lot more on this subject I talk about in the membership, but this is a taster for you to feel into!!!

And again, if you’re at all interested in living your most erotically authentic, sensual life then grab my book (and the companion course to do the practices) and have an epic immersive experience.

I also do 1:1 coaching to support people on their journey of embodied liberation and erotic freedom (and work with couples too!)

If you want to be in a virtual community for exploring these themes and practices, come join Deep Eros and explore a talk on this subject going deeper, a 1 hr ritual to explore your inner erotic authority and stretch some edges in being seen, an unapologetically erotic top-up meditation and some shadow work to work with these crunchy bits. Every month we play with different erotic themes!

Explore Deep Eros

In Australia?

I just arrived back in Perth and I have a few live events that deepen on the themes in my book, The Liberated Sensualist.

The immersion is for experienced practitioners (in Perth and Melbourne) and Sensualist Tantra is an all-levels shorter workshop!

All Events here

I am also available for private couples immersions while I’m in Australia, contact me for details.

What if this ‘fall of the guru’ era is making space for something new yet ancient — recognizing the power of community and group work as a more powerful tool for healing and transformation, rather than relying on a single individual perspective?

My heart is full after running my first retreat in a year after taking a much needed break from bigger events. Tristen (my husband) and I created a new retreat called the ‘Liberating Love Retreat’ which brings together relational shadow work, somatics, Tantra, Authentic Relating and improv, and it was so much more impactful and successful than we could have imagined.

There is a special magic that can happen in group fields, each retreat we run will often have an underlying theme that is alive in a majority of the participants, some of the themes easier to navigate than others. This retreat there was a lot of heartbreak being processed and deep desire for a new level of partnership being called in. It was an honour to hold the group through their longing and their healing to make space for this possibility over the days. We also were lucky that this group was particularly compatible, something that made things easier than on retreats where there is a lot of tension (though tension can also be a potent alchemical force!)

It still blows my mind sometimes how quickly the group can drop in with the right tools, how people come in strangers and after even just 1 day can feel like family. The right conditions, practices and nervous system tools allow a bonding that goes right to the core of our beings. I’ve mostly been running 2.5hr workshops the last year, and in that time perfecting the arch and approaches needed to drop a group in deeply in a short period of time.

As that bond deepens over the days, deeper wounds and patterns can surface to be held and integrated, because the body and psyche know it is a safe group and that they will be loved and supported through their challenges. They learn that they don’t need to mask, hide or perform to be accepted in the space. They get an imprint from witnessing each other that authentic vulnerable truth is magnetic and alive and allows for deeper connection, compared to typical ‘holding myself together’ guarded energies which people *think* will help them connect with others, but in truth it prevents the depth of connection they deeply crave.

The group then models to itself that authenticity and truth are supremely loveable, that they can be messy and confused and still welcome, and this creates a deep embedded transmission of what a healthy relationship can feel like because it’s amplified through multiple bodies.

Many of them also commented how helpful it was that a long term secure couple was leading, and they were getting a constant transmission of our dynamic through the week. I think this is also very important for people looking to learn and embody healthy relating, that they get to experience and feel the way those who are in a relationship and doing it. And, something about Triss and I, if you haven’t been in our spaces, is that we are incredibly honest about both the deep bliss and nourishment our relationship gives us and where we still grind each others gears and meet conflict points together, where we still struggle to embody the tools and how we come back when we fail. We want people to not pedestal and project perfection on us but to know that deep intimacy is always messy and complex, but so worth it.

The circle work we built up to over the days also allowed each person to receive compassionate loving feedback and coaching not just from us but from the group, so they were having opportunities to learn that they can guide each other in how to open more, express more fully and support each others unfurling. This shows us that certain perspectives and feedback isn’t just one persons projection, but a group wisdom emerging and reflecting back through multiple perspectives.

We are in a time where the Guru as individual special leader fantasy is crumbling, and I think ‘Group as Guru’ (As well as lover as Guru) is what will emerge from the ashes.

We are designed to be communal beings, to function as a part of a tribe and not as isolated individuals.

Group spaces when held with the right relating technologies can provide a space to imprint new possibilities for relationships that can create far deeper shifts than we can get in isolated therapeutic containers because we get real direct feedback from other bodies around what works and doesn’t, and so much of relating is not in the mind but in our bodies.

On the contrast, I have been in too many group spaces where facilitators are coercing and pushing people and the group in certain directions, amplifying insecure dynamics and creating environments where performance is rewarded and people must act a certain way to feel accepted. This then results in cult dynamics and insecure relational dynamics built on a masked persona rather than authenticity. Holding these spaces requires the leaders to have done a lot of their own healing to be able to model and hold a field where truth is prioritised over ego.

Holding all of this together was a foundation of nervous system attunement and co-regulation, which involved a lot of cuddles, sharing breath and slowing down enough to truly listen, feel and respond rather than react. Group spaces lacking this body-based wisdom can rush through connection and create more ruptures (I learned this the hard way!) and this transmission of nervous system safety and regulation in groups and supportive dynamics is priceless!

We’re so excited to see how this new retreat structure flowed and how positive the response was (our group even went to continue their connection by sharing an airbnb for some days because they all fell in love with each other and didn’t want it to end!) and to bring more of these spaces into being. I know the theme isn’t as sexy and appealing to people as the sensual arts retreat was but actually we found this depth and authenticity opened naturally into sensual and erotic connection because that secure foundation was there.

I’m also feeling a lot of gratitude for the amazing teachers I’ve been honoured to study with to gain these tools and transmissions to hold this kind of space so confidently.

And of course gratitude for this group for their trust, their open hearts and bravery

What are your thoughts? Have you experienced a transmission of secure attachment in a group setting and how has that impacted you?

Upcoming retreats in Australia:

The Liberated Sensualist Immersions

(We are also considering to run this retreat somewhere in Aus late April, possibly more soon announced to my full email list on my website Love That Liberates)

Interested in learning to facilitate? Check out my programs on Evolving Eros. Possibly live teacher training is being planned for November. Fill out this form if you’re interested

Is it just that capitalism rewards psychopathy and ruthlessness, so they get to the top? Or is there something about wealth, influence and power that messes us up?

And more importantly — how do I make sure I don’t fall into the same traps I’ve watched others fall into?

Is it inherent in power and status that we get distorted?

Does the one ring of power mess with us all, even the sweet hobbits?

Because I’ve seen it happen. People who started with genuine, even innocent goals… who seemed grounded and kind… gradually becoming more ruthless, more manipulative, better at playing systems and less empathetic. A kind of ‘well I now that I got here I need to protect and maintain it’ response.

Sometimes it’s definitely just that people always had an opportunistic, sociopathic tendencies that got amplified with more power (as power tends to amplify what is already there, good or bad).. But often it seems like something more concerning to us all… a kind of slow moral erosion, a loss of calibration and access to truth.

I already wrote a bit about this in my article on Power as Relationality, but I’m going to go a bit deeper into 2 aspects I have been thinking about and learning about recently… namely the weight of perception and the disconnection from reality that extreme wealth creates.

I’m going to be honest that this is the first time I’m sharing an article that is written more collaboratively with AI, because the topics are complex and hard to articulate. I did a lot of voice notes and back and forth discussions to dive into these topics, and it’s definitely coming from my perspectives, but is much better than I could have written alone given this is not my area of expertise! If that bothers you, feel free to skip this one!

The Weight of Perception

Even at a relatively modest level of visibility, I’ve noticed something strange happening to my psyche. The more I’m perceived by others, the more I exist as multiple conflicting versions of ‘me’ across different people’s minds, and the more this is felt in my subtle body. If I have 10,000 people ‘following’ my work and relating with what I say, then there are 10,000 different versions of ‘Luna’ existing in the psyches of people around the world.

There’s something energetically significant about this. People create stories about you based on fragments: a social media post, a single interaction, something they heard thirdhand, maybe a course they took with me. They create an imagined sense of ‘you’, and they have feelings about that person (who is essentially a story, not even real, just based on some small data points)

They don’t know how you treat your parents, how you move through private moments of doubt and heartbreak, the full complexity of your daily choices, your resilience through hardship...

Maybe you made a snappy comment on someone’s post because you were momentarily triggered or frustrated (oops, I do that all the time!) or a post that was not well thought through or articulated. That single moment can completely shift what they believe about you, erasing everything else they might have known and restructuring the story of you in your mind. They can then often freeze you in their imagination as an object — wholly ‘good’ or wholly ‘bad’ — rather than a subject who contains multitudes and contradictions.

This is where people become disposable, because the story you created about them can be totally changed in a single moment, even if that was a misunderstanding. If we were living tribally/in community, the perception of the person would have significantly more data points and context, so a single slip up would have little weight and people would not be so disposable.

When the perception of the person is positive, the thoughts and feelings people hold about you can feel energizing, even intoxicating. If there are thousands or even millions of people cheering you on and celebrating you, their well wishes and views will be felt in some way or another, because there is a psychic thread between us (like how you can think about someone then they text you 5 mins later!)

But when people are judging and criticizing based on their beliefs and projections, you can feel that too. It accumulates as a kind of cognitive and emotional weight. A tightening in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, paranoia…

If I’m experiencing this at a micro level, barely known at all in the scheme of fame then what must it be like for people who are genuinely famous? Brittney Spears. Elon. People who exist in millions of minds simultaneously, each version different, many contradictory, none actually accurate.

How does that accumulate in someone’s psyche?

How does it feel to know you’re being constantly judged and interpreted by people who will never know you?

What weight does all that perception lay on your psyche?

Even just practically, we are more aware of the responsibility of our words and actions the more people are perceiving us, but I wonder about that more subtle experience of it and how it impacts our experience of reality.

The Corruption Mechanism

The shift from “person with good intentions” to “ruthless elite” isn’t something that happens overnight… It’s more like erosion, happening gradually through certain known mechanisms:

Constant misrepresentation creates defensiveness. When people routinely misunderstand or mischaracterize you, you start to care less about being understood. Why exhaust yourself explaining when the story is already written? You begin to accept that you’ll be misread, and that acceptance curdles into something harder.

Transactional thinking becomes protective. When you realise people often engage with their projection of you and their desire for proximity to power, rather than actual you, relationships start feeling less authentic. You begin treating interactions more strategically because genuine connection feels rarer and more precious, or even impossible.

Power becomes the only reliable currency. Money, status, control — these become appealing because they’re doable, measurable and achievable in ways that authentic human connection isn’t when you’re widely perceived. People may misunderstand you, but they can’t misunderstand your ability to make things happen.

The performance trap closes. You start focusing your whole life around your image, because managing perception becomes a necessity. Eventually the performance can hollow out the authentic self until you’re not entirely sure which version is real anymore.

When the Feedback Loop Collapses

There’s another dimension to this that I’ve been learning about recently which might be even more psychologically corrosive… which is what happens when extreme wealth removes the basic cause-and-effect relationship between effort and reward.

When you have normal amounts of money, there’s a natural way of navigating daily life: desire emerges, you think about what you want, you work toward it, you save, you finally acquire it, you feel accomplished.

This isn’t just something we can bypass because we’re literally built for this sequence. Our brains are designed to release dopamine during the anticipation and pursuit, not just the acquisition. The obstacle, the delay, the work itself — these aren’t bugs in the system but fundamental to being human! They’re what make rewards (and life) meaningful and what keep our motivation systems calibrated.

What happens when you have SO MUCH MONEY that you can have anything you want, whenever you want? And before people get defensive, I’m not talking like ‘making 7 figures’ here I’m talking like 9+ figures… ‘elite’ level (I’m beginning to hate using that term to describe that!)

When you can have anything instantly, several things break down:

Desire (and therefore our erotic creative drive) starts to atrophy. Why want something when wanting and having collapse into the same moment? Desires become more conceptual that felt.

Embodied Sovereignty/Agency disappears. If you’re not the one really causing the outcome through your effort, you lose the felt sense of being an effective person in the world. Even though you have a type of empowerment of getting what you want, the feeling of earning the reward will start to dwindle (especially if your money is made through inheritance/shares/fast money and not through purpose work and skill)

Eventually nothing feels earned.

Feeling ‘accomplishment’ requires overcoming resistance and challenge. No resistance, no accomplishment. Just... acquisition. And acquisition without effort is surprisingly empty.

The Loss of Haptic Reality

Here people become detached from direct causality. Many of them aren’t even actively running their companies anymore — compound interest and capable CEOs do the work while they check in occasionally. Money makes money. They don’t have to do anything.

And here’s what I’ve realised: they lose haptic reality.

They’re not cooking their own meals, raising their own kids day-to-day, cleaning their own spaces, fixing things that break, navigating bureaucracy, waiting in lines, dealing with the friction of embodied existence. All of that gets outsourced.

Which sounds like a dream to some of us but the thing is, these mundane frustrations are calibrating experiences. They keep you in contact with how the world actually works for most people, with physical limits, with the fact that you can’t just think something and have it appear.

When everything is mediated by assistants and money, you start living in an abstraction. Your relationship to reality becomes theoretical rather than direct. You don’t see how or why things work. You’re piloting your life from a distance, and the gap between your experience and everyone else’s becomes a chasm. Especially if a lot of people know you, you start to avoid normal public places to avoid being recognised and suddenly are only around other elites.

The Empathy Collapse

This is where it starts gets really dark.

Empathy isn’t just something we have or do not have (though yes some are born without access to it) — it’s cognitively dependent on shared reference experiences.

If I’ve never worried about paying rent, felt physically vulnerable in public, had to accept a job I didn’t want, waited for something I desperately needed, or been told “no” by systems more powerful than me, then I literally don’t have the experiential hooks to imagine what that’s like for others. (Hence the issues and conversations with privilege of men and white people not getting why others feel different navigating the world)

It’s not that wealthy people are consciously choosing to be cruel… those experiences have become abstract to them. Other people’s constraints feel hypothetical, like thought experiments rather than lived realities.

And when you combine that empathy erosion with being surrounded by people who are financially dependent on you — employees, assistants, even friends who benefit from proximity to power — you lose access to authentic feedback and accountability.

Everyone is performing for you, telling you what you want to hear, managing their own vulnerability by managing your perception.

You’re simultaneously:

• Losing the effort-reward feedback loop that generates felt meaning

• Being distorted by constant projection and status

• Separated by class away from ‘normal life’

• Surrounded by people who can’t afford to be honest with you

The result is someone functionally detached from the shared human condition. Not because they’re ‘evil’, but because the structure of their existence has removed them from the feedback loops that keep the rest of us calibrated and connected.

The Transgressive Spiral

There’s another pattern I’ve observed that is currently hot on the topic of the Epstein files as many of us struggle to fathom how the fuck people got to doing such horrific things— and it’s what happens when people with extreme wealth and power start testing the limits of what they can get away with.

When you’re in this elite bubble, insulated from consequences because money can make problems disappear, lawyers can tie things up indefinitely, NDAs can buy silence, when your reputation has enough gravity that accusers won’t even be believed— something really dangerous becomes possible. You can start transgressing boundaries that would destroy an ordinary persons life.

And I think this often begins almost experimentally. Not necessarily with malicious intent, but with a kind of curiosity: What can I actually do? What are the real limits here? The power and possibility become the ultimate temptation (If I were Christian I’d probably say this is the real territory of Sin and the Devil)

Maybe it starts small. Being unnecessarily harsh to an employee and watching them absorb it because they need the job. Making an inappropriate comment and seeing it get laughed off because of your status. Pushing back on a legal boundary and discovering your lawyers can argue it into grey territory. Each time you transgress without consequence, the boundary moves. Or rather, you realise the boundary was never quite where you thought it was — it was always contingent on power, and that is something you now have.

Especially if you never really visited your inner child’s powerlessness, if you never went to the underworld and felt your grief and healed from whatever traumas you faced as a kid… that kind of power would definitely be enticing.

This is where the loss of empathy, the reality distortion, and the absence of authentic feedback create a genuinely dangerous cocktail. Because you’re not just losing touch with how normal people live… you’re now losing touch with basic ethical constraints that, for most people, are enforced by social and material consequences.

When Transgression Becomes Compulsion

What I find most chilling is how this can appear to be almost compulsive. When nothing feels real anymore, when ordinary pleasures have lost their lustre through instant availability, when you’re so abstracted from normal cause and effect —transgression might be one of the few things that still generates genuine feeling.

If you just get whatever you want, whenever you want… what is left to feel excited about having? What is off limits?

The thrill isn’t just about the act itself. It’s about the power confirmed in what you’re getting away with it. It’s about piercing through the numbness of a consequence-free existence. It’s about the dark intimacy of forcing someone into a secret they have to keep, or making your mark on a soul so deep that they will never forget you.

And because you’re surrounded by people who are financially dependent on you, because authentic feedback has disappeared, because your perception of yourself is already wildly distorted by projection and status — you might genuinely not recognise what you’re doing as abuse. Or you recognise it intellectually but can’t access the emotional reality of the harm because empathy has atrophied.

The stories we hear about right now in the world… the horrific abuses of power, the systematic exploitation, the casual cruelty… these often aren’t about people who were just born monsters. They’re about people who gradually discovered they could cross lines without consequence, and then kept crossing them, each transgression recalibrating their sense of what’s permissible.

In some ways, this is the ultimate endpoint of both dynamics I’ve been exploring: the perception distortion means you exist in a hall of mirrors where you can no longer see yourself clearly, and the wealth insulation means you never have to feel the consequences of your actions. You’re living in a simulation of reality where the normal rules don’t apply, and the simulation is sophisticated enough that you might not even realise you’ve left the shared world behind.

The Prevention Question

So how do you, personally, prevent this spiral? Because I think most people don’t start out intending to become abusers when they seek wealth and recognition. They drift there through these changes that progressively recalibrate their sense of normal. They are influenced by others around them that are further down this path of erossion who normalise the delusion.

The answer, I think, has to be deliberately maintaining the conditions that enforce ethical behaviour for everyone else:

Consequences. Toddlers need them, adults need them. Not theoretical ones, but real and immediate. This might mean maintaining relationships with people who have the power to actually affect your life if you mistreat them, who aren’t dependent on you financially.

Honest, real people you can’t silence. Keeping people around you who are honest with you even when you don’t like it and will shoot straight (Everyone in positions of power of any kind NEED THIS. Even for me teaching events I always get honest AF feedback from people I trust to be real with me who are also no-filter neurospicey folks like me)

Regular contact with your own vulnerability. Putting yourself in situations where you’re not in control, where you could be hurt or humiliated, where you’re subject to systems more powerful than you. Situations where you have to be challenged and inconvenienced… even if it’s having to scrub your own toilet every week.

Ethical frameworks maintained through practice, not just theory. This isn’t about having the right beliefs. It’s about daily choices that keep certain behaviours unthinkable —not because you’d be punished, but because they genuinely feel wrong in your body. Spirituality and religion should do this but people love to skip those parts.

Now… we can talk about individual practices for staying grounded, but we also need to acknowledge that capitalism and patriarchy actively encourage and reward this distortion.

Capitalism’s Role in Manufacturing Psychopathy

Capitalism doesn’t just allow extreme wealth accumulation — it fetishises it. We celebrate billionaires as visionaries and geniuses, attributing their wealth to merit rather than structural advantage, exploitation, and often luck. The system actively rewards psychopathic traits: ruthlessness in competition, emotional detachment in decision-making, willingness to externalise harm for profit, comfort with extreme inequality.

“Fiduciary duty” becomes a way to justify cruelty. “Disruption” becomes cover for destroying people’s livelihoods. “Efficiency” means extracting maximum value from workers whilst giving them minimum security. The language of capitalism sanitises harm and turns ethical questions into technical optimisation problems.

And crucially: capitalism requires this empathy collapse to function at scale. If wealthy people truly felt the suffering their wealth accumulation creates — the workers in unsafe conditions, the communities destroyed by chemicals and mining, the people priced out of housing, the sick people stuggling to afford medicine, the ecosystems decimated for profit — the system would be unbearable to them. The detachment from reality is a necessary feature. It’s a necessary insulation of the psyche from participation in extraction.

The meritocracy myth adds to this. If you genuinely believe your wealth reflects your superior intelligence, work ethic, or vision, rather than understanding it as structural position plus compound advantage, then other people’s poverty becomes evidence of their inferiority. You don’t have to feel empathy for people who simply haven’t worked as hard or smart as you. The system tells you that you deserve everything you have, and they deserve their struggles.

Patriarchy’s Contribution to Entitlement

Patriarchy layers additional distortions onto this foundation, particularly for wealthy men. It teaches that male desire is inherently important, that access to women’s bodies and labour is a reward for success, that dominance is natural and good.

The “great man” narrative (the idea that exceptional individuals (implicitly male) drive history and deserve exceptional grace) gives ideological permission for transgression.

We’re trained to forgive powerful men’s “indiscretions,” to separate their “genius” from their “personal failings,” to treat their abuses as unfortunate side effects of their brilliance rather than direct expressions of the entitlement the system cultivates.

Patriarchy also creates the gendered infrastructure that enables abuse: women and feminised people in dependent positions (assistants, service workers, junior employees), socialised to fawn to and manage powerful men’s emotions, to smooth over conflicts, to absorb mistreatment without complaint. Shame making them afraid to speak out or up around things that don’t feel right. The same system that concentrates wealth in men’s hands also provides them with a steady supply of people trained to be deferential and whose economic survival depends on pleasing them.

And when abuse happens, patriarchy provides the playbook for dismissal: she’s lying, she’s ambitious, she misunderstood, she’s vindictive, she’s too sensitive, she’s a slut and just jealous.

So sadly we have to acknowledge that there is more to this than individual will and choice. You can be individually vigilant, maintaining grounded relationships etc, and all of that matters... But you’re doing it inside systems designed to produce the opposite outcomes and likely surrounded by others who are more easily compromised.

Capitalism wants you detached from the harm your wealth creates.

Patriarchy wants you entitled to transgress.

Both systems have ways to punishing people who opt out — you’ll be outcompeted by those willing to be more ruthless, you’ll be mocked as weak or naive, you’ll face social exile from elite circles that bond through shared transgression… you play the game or you loose.

The Psychopathy Question

I don’t think extreme wealth necessarily creates psychopaths, but it creates conditions where existing psychopathic traits face no corrective pressure, where normal people begin exhibiting psychopathic patterns because the environment rewards them, and where empathy circuitry atrophies.

It’s a bit like moving to a zero-gravity environment — your muscles will atrophy not because you’re weak or lazy but because there’s no resistance requiring their use. The wealthy aren’t around normal people just hanging out because they like each other. Their relationships have stakes and strategies attached. The nourishment of simple, reciprocal human connection becomes rare. I hear this underlying so many of the clips I hear of people like Andrew Tate where he can’t seem to fathom that non-transactional, authentic loving relationships are even a thing.

The Goldilocks Zone

I don’t want this to come off as ‘don’t try to be successful or wealthy or you’ll end up a psychopath’… Even statistically it’s known that there is a middle range — a Goldilocks zone where you have enough money to be supported, self expressed, comfortable and thriving. Here, you still have direct contact with cause and effect, effort that matters, constraints that require creativity, and enough friction to stay real.

We don’t want people in survival mode, hustling to make enough to pay rent and eat! I mean, I am a huge advocate for Universal Basic Income (UBI) and having all our base human needs provided without work. Poverty is traumatizing and grinds people down and limits human potential and creativity.

But there’s something about having to actually do things and directly experience consequences that keeps your feet on the earth and your ego humble.

You still cook dinner, so you know food takes time and effort. (Maybe you have a garden and see how it grows, practice patience and get your hands in the dirt) .

You still create things with your hands, so you maintain the connection between intention and manifestation.

You still interact with people who aren’t financially dependent on you, so you get authentic feedback.

You learn to love friction as an expression of the kinky delicious challenge of being human, and feel that sweet release of overcoming a challenge, so you don’t start doing fucked up shit to get off and feel alive because everything else got too easy.

Sit down bitch, Be humble

Basicly we can’t have it all and not have concequences.

With every leap in wealth and influence, there are costs.

But there is a middle ground that seems to make most people happy because they have enough money to cover costs of living comfortably, have some savings for a vacation, have enough to invest in some creative endeavors and enough time to enjoy their life. I personally wish we could take the wealth of the billionaire class and distribute it so that many more of us can be in that range (income associated with greater happiness up to around about $95,000 per year (in US dollars) for overall life satisfaction and around $60,000–$75,000 for day-to-day emotional wellbeing)

I don’t have all the answers. But I think if we can understand a little more about how systems and situations cause this distortion, we can avoid the pitfalls and perhaps even shift systems so they don’t create such horrific distortions.

And maybe that’s the practice — staying awake to the ways power and attention warp the psyche, maintaining the deliberate disciplines that keep you humble and grounded to your humanity and remembering that the goal isn’t to have everything you want but to have opportunities to creatively express yourself and live your souls purpose, if such a thing even exists.

Happy Aquarius season, and viva la revolution.

Today I’ll be talking about how we can use sex magic for birthing a new world and I’ll even share with you the instructions to the revolutionary sex magic ritual I’m sharing in my Deep Eros membership this month down the page.

If you’ve been around sacred sexuality and neotantra for some time, you’ve probably come across sex magic — the infamous technique used for manifesting your desires by utilizing the orgasmic, creative life force energy of the erotic and channeling it toward your hopes and goals.

In many places where I was learning this technique, the focus was often on manifesting personal will: a new lover, more money, or — in my case — successfully manifesting a dream house to stay in a few times. It’s a fair place to start, to explore how this technique can potentially work to amplify your wishes and help them become reality. I found that for me, it worked sometimes but definitely not all the time, but I enjoy the ritual and practice of it regardless.

A Time of Revolution

We’re obviously in a time of great revolution and political change, where there is a lot of horrible stuff happening and people standing up to fight against it — power abuse, manipulation, and harm occurring throughout the world. It’s hard to even keep track of it all, between the ongoing Middle East genocides and revolutions, the US in chaos, the Epstein files, Terrorism in Australia, Asian conflicts, Russia… It’s A LOT.

There are many people on the front lines, putting their bodies, careers and lives on the line. For many of us further away witnessing, we can feel confused and helpless on how we can contribute to the change we want to see.

Many Roles in the Revolution

This month in my Deep Eros membership, I’ve also been sharing about how we have so many different roles that we can take in the revolution—so many different ways that we can show up. For some people, that is protesting and demonstrating and more traditional activism work. But for some people, it’s creating new systems that people can learn from and start to step into.

For others, it’s helping to heal the traumas that are preventing us from living this new potential future — Because while people are still in hypervigilant nervous system states and in their trauma patterns and still stuck in colonialist conditioning, we cannot successfully step into a new possibility. So that personal development work is important.

It’s important that we’re looking at family structures and supporting couples and parents to be able to parent children in a new way that’s going to raise a new generation who can make better decisions for the world.

There are so many possibilities of how we can show up that might not, to some people, appear to be the right kind of activism or what the world needs right now. But it’s all part of birthing this new world. There are so many different roles needed, and I really feel that each of us has a deep calling of where we’re meant to put our energy practically — into work that suits our personality type, our lifestyle, our circumstances— and really channel our devotion and lifeforce that into it.

What we’re up against

It was once a kind of fringe conspiracy theory that the elites were using magic and occult arts to gain power. But over the years, this has moved from conspiracy theory to reality as exposure has come to the way that some elites have actually been using esoteric magic techniques to obtain fame, wealth, and influence.

Honestly, there has been more evidence that Jeffrey Epstein and some of his associates were using sex magic and extraction energetic vampirism as a way to maintain their status and power. Check out my collegue’s article ‘On Politics and Energy Vampires’ for her great overview of this.

This horrific distortion of black magic is real. It was found on Jeffrey Epstein’s reading list a lot of ‘Tantric sex’ books that teach erotic manifestation techniques which are meant to be used benevolently but have, time and time again, been used in black magic, negative ways to harm people. Tantra has a long history of having a ‘black magic’ stream which modern practitioners often like to gloss over, and while most teachers warn against this use, we can’t deny people have always wanted to use sex and power for their own manipulative gain.

What we’re dealing with here is not just these overarching, huge structural parasitic systems of extraction that most of us are familiar with — dominance, patriarchy, capitalism, greed, wealth accumulation, and psychopathy… We’re dealing with people who also know how to use magic, who know how to use energetic techniques and sexuality to further their distorted, selfish, greedy agendas.

We need Revolutionary Sex Magic

This is why I think it is more important than ever that those of us who are practicing sacred sexuality or have strong energy bodies and strong capacities for manifesting things channel some of our energy toward creating a better world and supporting those fighting for change. We can even work toward binding or countering the black magic being used by elites.

We need a revolutionary coven of awakened witches with shared visions for a kinder, fairer earth charging these visions with shakti and birthing this new chapter of humanity. Holding that vision, empowering it, inspiring others and holding onto hope and possibility.

You might be reading this and rolling your eyes, thinking it sounds a bit too woo-woo for you. I know I have always had a very skeptical mind about these kinds of things and kept them at arm’s length. But I have seen through my life, and in many people that I know, that sex magic does have some legitimacy — that it does work. It wouldn’t have survived and been taught and used for thousands of years if it had no effect. It may not work all of the time, every time, but it definitely is an effective technique (it’s also fun to practice, which is beneficial because you’re also practicing orgasmic sublimation, full-body energy orgasms, and working with kundalini and chakras when you’re doing the type of sex magic that I teach.)

So yes, it’s fun, it’s beneficial, it sometimes works — and why not attempt to channel that magic toward evolution and supporting liberation and empowerment of people that need it? Especially if there is a chance that on the ‘other side’ (as much as I hate viewing this as ‘sides’ but lets be real, it is), others are putting energy and effort and erotic life force toward horrible, extractive, domineering goals that not only negatively impact billions but may even result in our own extinction.

If we can balance it out, then it’s definitely, in my mind, worth the exploration and worth trying.

Different Approaches to Sex Magic

I’ve explored quite a few different sex magic techniques over the years — sometimes working with sigil magic, sometimes working with menstrual blood and semen and physical expressions of the body as life-giving fluids that are mixed and often buried or painted onto the body or into a sigil…

As a tantrika, my favorite is the one that I’ve been taught in the neotantra world, which involves transmuting sexual life force energy through the chakras up the body until you reach the crown of the head. Then, you connect to a vision of a world that you want to create (or whatever you’re hoping to personally attain) as you reach the crown of the head and send that vision out into the world along with your orgasm or peak energy state.

Often after play parties or ecstatic dance, I like to do a mini form of this by getting people to feel the joyful, life-bringing, beautiful feelings that they experience from being in these kinds of spaces — feeling of community, that love, that connection, and that bliss — and to offer that beyond the self and imagine it rippling out into the world.

Even just this act of offering your joy and your pleasure beyond the self, offering it as a concecration or offering it out into the world, is already having positive psychological effects for ourselves. It helps to counter the very self-absorbed, self-obsessed culture that many of us are entrenched in and the normalized narcissism that many of us inhabit. So just this act of offering is really important for our own mental health, energetically, and for being part of this web of reciprocity in the world.

We aim to fill ourselves up but then to overflow it — to not just be focused on us but to be focused on how we’re contributing to the world. When we are channeling and building up this amazing aliveness, this bliss, this beauty, we connect to a vision that we’re wanting to create and send that energy toward that vision to help amplify it and make it even more powerful.

Anyone that works with manifestation knows that it’s not just about positive thoughts but also about trying to embody how it would feel to connect beyond the mind to a nervous system stage and a felt sense of the possibility of what we know we can create into this world. We inhabit the state we want to experience as a result of having our desires fulfilled and create an embodied experience of that possibility, which helps us to actually receive the benefits when they do arrive and prepare ourselves. If we’re not processing our grief, rage and breaking through the freeze/collapse that plagues many people, we won’t successfully move out of that state. That’s why I’ve also included a grief/rage ritual element in this process.

The Revolutionary Sex Magic Ritual

In the ritual that I’ve created that I’m going to share with you (and if you want the guided version, you can find that in my Deep Eros membership for this month where we’re focusing on revolutionary sex magic), we first are actually going into the pain and the challenge.

While peak pleasure states are ideal to be working with because they have this very expansive creational frequency to them, our pain, our grief, and our anger are also very potent forces for creation and for helping us to feel more alive and connected to the truth of what we’re really feeling. We’re actually going into all that is broken and fucked up and wrong, and we’re saying NO to it all. We really allow ourselves to crack open and feel all of that — to allow the anger and the grief to really rise and be felt and be witnessed. This is primal mama bear “NO” to what is happening in the world — to all these wars and genocide and abuse. We really acknowledge it, become intimate with it, and feel the aliveness that comes with that primal no. Then you alchemize and transmute that.

We don’t want to just stay in that energy, but we want to really feel it as this pure end of the creational life force. It’s an element of the erotic as well — to really feel these boundaries and this no and this wrongness that amplifies and cracks us open. We feel it, we acknowledge it, we bring it into our bodies, and then we channel that pure aliveness and that pure sacred rage and sacred fight energy.

From there, we start to feel: Okay, with the knowledge of the no, what is the yes? What do we want to create? What kind of world do we know is possible? We really see it and feel it and visualize it and know it in our hearts and souls and bones — that there is another way.

For some of us, it’s just an idea of it being another way. But for some of us, we know this because we’ve been in communities, we’ve been in spaces where people are living differently — where there is equality and devotion and love and care and reciprocity and harmony with the Earth.

When we know this, when we’ve seen it, we’ve tasted it, we’ve felt it, we can really connect to that and know that this isn’t just some fantasy utopian vision but this is a way of living that is possible.

When we can connect to that, when we can be inspired by it — feel it, smell it, taste it, really connect to that vision — then we can start bringing the eroticism and start bringing our orgasmic energy, our life force energy, as this fuel to carry that vision. Then we start to build it, spread it, and transmute it through our body, through our chakras, connecting with all these different aspects of that vision through the different symbologies of these different parts of our body, of these different chakra centers.

We purify it, we bring it up, and then we send that vision out into the world.

Now imagine if groups of sex witches all over the world were all doing this and regularly doing it together — tapping into this powerful erotic life force, holding this vision, knowing that another world is possible, seeing it, feeling it, tasting it, and then sending our life force toward that vision.

I really think that if enough of us, with enough momentum, with enough power behind it, do this, it can create a shift.

I’ve also learned that with sex magic, it’s not just about doing the orgasm practice and then sitting around waiting. We also, from that open space of connecting to that vision, really listen and feel into: What is the action that wants to be taken? What is the right action for me in my part in this big web of life, in this tapestry of birthing this new world? What wants to move? What wants to be created or changed in the world?

Getting Started

In the spirit of this Aquarius season (being my season as someone who has four signs in Aquarius!), and with the desire for more of this global shift and change to happen, I’m offering the ritual written down below if you want to create it yourself. I think it’d be amazing to have dozens, if not hundreds of people doing this ritual this month and sending their love and desires for positive change out to amplify the movements already happening.

Until Valentine’s Day, which is my birthday, I’m offering 25% off my membership (use the code AQUARIUSLOVE ), and since the first month you already get half price, that makes the first month only €14.25, so even if you just want to join for this month to do the guided ritual and other content you can get it for a bargain! But — I hope that you would like the membership and want to stick around longer.

You get not only the ritual but also a shadow work practice where we witness the unconscious ways we manipulate and contribute to these paradigms and bind ourselves from harm, a meditation to connect with the vision we’re holding and find right-action and a 30 min talk going deeper on this subject.

You’ll also have access to the previous content from the last few months.

If you’re newer to this and this all sounds kind of interesting but very esoteric and a bit far out of your reach at the moment, and the ritual seems like way too much, then I recommend you read my book Liberated Sensualist, which gives a beautiful roadmap of how you can get to doing this kind of magic and erotic ritual. It guides you through the path of what you need to build up and shares this more revolutionary, liberatory perspective on working with the erotic and sacred sexuality as a way of dismantling the systems of harm and oppression within us, and how that becomes regenerative eroticism and love that ripples out and creates a better world.

THE RITUAL

This is only recommended for people who are experienced with sacred sexuality work, who can self-regulate their emotions and are familiar with moving energy through chakras. If you’re new to all that, read my book and come back to this in a few months!

What You’ll Need:

For witnessing & alchemy:

• Two pieces of paper

• Markers/pens

• Small bowl

• Salt (optional)

• Matches/lighter

For protection & power:

• A candle

  • Black candle (for protection/banishing)

  • Red candle (for transformation/passion)

  • Gold/white candle (for the vision)

• Protective herbs (Optional: rosemary, black pepper, salt circle)

For sex magic:

• Lube, toys, whatever you use for pleasure practice

• Comfortable space to move and get messy

• Blanket or mat

Stage 1: Sacred Container & Protection

• Cast your circle using salt or visualisations in a ring of protective fire around your space

• Call in your protection:

“I call in the fierce protectors—
Ancestors who resisted,
Kali Ma who destroys illusion,

Durga Ma who fights injustice
The earth herself who endures,
All forces of liberation and justice.
Protect this space.
Guard this magic.
I am held. I am safe. I am powerful.”

• Sit in the center of your circle

• Ground deeply, feel the earth beneath you

• Take several breaths

Set your intention:

“Tonight I transform poison into medicine.
Tonight I alchemise rage into revolution.
Tonight I use my erotic power for collective liberation.
What I do here ripples out into the world.
For the liberation of myself and all beings.”

Stage 2: Witnessing the Wound - What Is Wrong

Take the first piece of paper and the marker.

Part A: See it clearly

Write or draw what enrages and breaks your heart:

• The systems: patriarchy, capitalism, ecocide, imperialism

• The specific: genocides, exploitation, violence against bodies and land

• The personal: how these systems have harmed you, your beloveds, your communities

Don’t censor. Don’t make it pretty. Write the truth:

• “Children bombed”

• “Earth destroyed for profit”

• “Bodies violated with impunity”

• “Fascism rising”

• Whatever is TRUE for you right now

Part B: Feel it fully

Hold the paper. Read what you wrote.

Let yourself FEEL it:

• The rage — let it rise in your body

• The grief — let your heart break

• The helplessness — let it wash over you

• The fury — let it burn

Don’t freeze, keep your breath full and your body moving

This is the poison. This is what we’re carrying. Name it. Feel it.

BURN OR RIP THE PAPER.

Stage 3: The Alchemy Begins - Transforming the Energy

Stand up. Shake your body—shake off the heaviness.

Begin moving—slowly at first.

You’re going to move the poison through your body and transform it.

• Feel the rage — don’t push it down, move WITH it, feel your strength and power

• But now, with each movement, you’re TRANSMUTING

  • Rage becomes POWER

  • Grief becomes DEVOTION

  • Helplessness becomes AGENCY

Stay in your window of tolerance, you want to be open to feeling but not collapsing or burning out. Add breathwork if you can hold more. Creating HEAT, creating ENERGY, feel it as a transmutation.

The energy is no longer heavy. It’s POWERFUL. It’s ALIVE.

Stage 4: Visioning the New World

Take the second piece of paper

You’ve felt what’s wrong. You’ve transformed the energy.

Now: WHAT DO WE WANT INSTEAD?

Write or draw the vision:

• What world are you fighting for?

• What systems do we need?

• What does liberation look like?

• How do people relate in the world you’re creating?

Be specific AND visionary:

• “All beings have food, shelter, care”

• “The earth is healing, waters are clean”

• “Bodies are sovereign, sacred, free”

• “Communities based on consent and care”

• “Regenerative economies that create abundance”

• “Children safe, elders honored, everyone belonging”

• Whatever is TRUE for your vision

Optional: create a SIGIL and draw it on the paper or yourself to represent

Don’t just think it—FEEL it in your body as already real. This is the magic: when you feel it as real, you make it MORE real.

Stand and embody this world:

• How do you hold yourself in a liberated world?

• How does your breath change?

• What does freedom feel like in your body?

• Move as if you already live there

Light the candle now.

Speak the vision aloud… eg:

“I call in the world where all beings are free.
I call in regenerative systems that create abundance.
I call in bodies honored, earth healed, communities thriving.
I call in the death of oppression and the birth of liberation.
I can feel it. I can see it. It is REAL.
And I will use my erotic power to bring it forth.”

Place this paper on your altar or under you for the next part. This is your spell.

Stage 5: Building Erotic Power - Pleasure as Fuel

Now you bring the alchemy into your BODY. Into your EROS.

Lie down or recline comfortably. Start touching yourself — however feels good.

You’re circulating the transformed rage/grief aliveness through your erotic center and merging pleasure and joy with each touch and breath. Your sex is a generator, a transformer.

• Start in your root chakra, breathe in and out of this space and imagine a ball of light glowing brighter and brighter. Connect to the felt sense of security and safety you want to see in the world.

• Start inviting the energy to rise to your kanda (womb/lower belly) as you inhale then moving back down to the root on your exhale. Connect with the sensual, creative and joyful nature of your vision for the future

• Move the energy up to your navel/ manipura. Connect to the personal power and sovereignty you want everyone in the world to feel.

• Move to your heart, connect with the vision for humans loving one another, equality and freedom and community care. Feel the web of life and it coming into loving balance

• Move to the throat, connect with the creative expressions and art you want to see in the world, the freedom to express, the kind words shared

• Move to the third eye. Connect with the consciousness and higher states of awareness needed for humans to evolve beyond these paradigms.

• Finally bring the energy all the way to the crown of the head, feel the power of your vision for collective liberation. See it, smell it, feel it, taste it.

• Build up to your orgasm or peak pleasure state, take a deep inhale and hold the breath, seeing yourself in this future that is already being created, as you release with the exhale let go completely, send the energy through your body, the crown of your head and out into the world to amplify and spread this beautiful ideal.

• Every ounce of pleasure, every bit of transformed rage/grief, all of it —

  SENT into the collective field as MAGIC. Release completely. Let the energy go.

Stage 7: Integration & Sealing

Lie in the aftermath. Rest and feel.

LISTEN: What actions are aligned for you to take to co-create this new world in the next week? What is your role in the revolution? Take time to just listen.

Gratitude:

Place hands on your heart, your sex, your belly. Thank your body for being the vessel. Thank the energy for transforming. Thank your pleasure for being medicine.

Sealing:

Sit up when ready. Take the vision paper and place it somewhere you’ll see it.

Take some time to journal on what came up, to ground with your feet on the earth, water/food, to self-regulate and do what you need.

Too complicated to DIY? Join Deep Eros and get the full guided 1hr+ ritual with a carefully curated soundscape journey to go along with it!

My Part in the Great Thread

This is where my personal part in this great thread lies: supporting people to transform their relationship to sexuality and to love and to each other. Because love and sex are part of the revolution, and this work is a gateway to radical change.

It has been suppressed and distorted for so long, because ‘the powers that be’ know that this is deeply empowering, transformational work.

They want to keep the magic and the power for themselves and to disempower the masses.

We are not taking that anymore.

We are bringing the sexual revolution to new depths of power and magic.

Reminder: the code is AQUARIUSLOVE for the discount and runs til Valentines day <3

No, we’re not talking about the kinky kind of discipline in a dom-sub dynamic here.

We’re talking about self-discipline, about being disciplined in your erotic practice for the sake of having a juicy, turned-on life— whether you’re single, partnered or dating.

Now, I know a lot of the kind of people drawn to sacred sexuality and ecstatic practice can kind of cringe at the term discipline (Especially calling out my Shakti chaotic goddess types) — discipline can often be labeled as ‘masculine/unfeminine’ and somehow counter to or even blocking of the juicy, erotic, abundant energy that we’re hoping to cultivate.

But, like Hanna aka gracepilled, says: discipline is actually about right relationship with consequence.

She was talking about how a lot of people like to talk about discipline as devotion, and that can be a beautiful reframe and can help some people… But really, discipline comes down to truly understanding and knowing the suffering and the consequences of not taking certain actions.

I’ll start with talking about this in the context of long term relationships, then move to how this applies for solo practice too.

Pick your hard

We know that exercising regularly and eating really healthy food can take a lot of self-control and a lot of dedication. We know it takes discipline to show up at the gym or yoga mat and to choose healthier food options instead of convenient an cheap junk food.

And, we know that if we don’t do that, then we’re going to feel really unhealthy in our body, get sick, age poorly and have a whole other range of issues. That feeling bad in our body is one kind of suffering. Or, we do the hard thing and suffer through creating a routine, going to the gym, getting fit, signing up for a class even though we don’t feel like it — and have the positive effects of being fit and healthy.

The same applies for our eroticism.

Whether you’re solo or you’re in a lovership/s, eroticism has times where it naturally flows abundantly when circumstances align or in certain seasons of your life. But in other times, it actually can be something that requires a level of discipline and effort to cultivate and to nurture. And just like physical fitness, there are consequences to not having this discipline which can range from feeling tense, numb and energetically congested to actual depression, ‘touch starvation’ and sexual dysfunction.

A new relationship can be all fresh and juicy and hot in the early stages — and that’s a natural part of the initial chemistry of coming together with someone compatible and new — but a long-term relationship takes a different kind of discipline and a different kind of effort to maintain and cultivate and show up for. Not only then but also if you fall for someone where there is sexual incompatibility, sexual trauma or other blockages that make getting intimate challenging. Once the initial biochemical cocktail starts to wear out, and familiarity comes in, then we have to start learning about desire, polarity, erotic techniques and ways to ignite the flames of eroticism if we value our sexual selves.

In relationships, erotic discipline is vital if you value truly value having an erotic life, if you value your partner being your lover and not just becoming your housemate. Sexless marriages, affairs, dissatisfaction, resentment and numbing are the consequences if we fail to priorities this part of our life and cultivate this discipline.

Some people turn to open relating to attempt to ‘solve’ this issue, chasing the next hit of new relationship energy to revitalize their Eros, but without doing the groundwork to learn the skills required and cultivate this long-term dynamic mindfully, that choice often results in the primary relationship becoming a friendship or falling away as the erotic energy is channeled out, rather than back in to the relationship to nourish it. (Please don’t take this as some kind of anti-poly rhetoric, many know I am not monogamous myself, but we have to be honest that this happens A LOT in the poly scene when people outsource the eroticism rather than working on the underlying issues.)

My husband and I have now been together for almost six years. And of course, like most couples, at the start there was a lot of hot erotic chemistry and spontaneity. Over the years, that chemistry started to become more of a subtle simmer. We’re still attracted to each other, but the spontaneous, bending each other over the couch and wanting to fuck each other in the middle of the day part of the relationship is more of a rare occurrence these days.

Like most couples, we have our incongruence in desire levels (with my libido being the significantly higher one), we have different ways in which we like being initiated with (I being very responsive and up for it most of the time, him needing more specific contexts and the right timing to be in the mood) as well as different erotic responses to stress (I’m what they call a ‘red-liner’ who turns to sex when stressed as a form of tension relief while he shuts down sexually when stressed). I know as a sex/couples coach that all these dynamics are totally normal and it’s actually more rare for couples to ‘match’ in these areas (though short-term lovers tend to match up here easier). All these dynamics add to the complexity of maintaining sexual intimacy over the years.

Yet, we both value eroticism. We both value the sexual connection we have. We both know that pleasure is good for us, that intimacy is important for bonding and hormones, and that we have a happier and healthier relationship when we are having regular sex. The amount of sex has had to be a compromise (what is ‘desire’ vs ‘need’ around how much we have, for example) but we have open regular conversations about it and we both show up for it.

So what it takes for us to keep our relationship hot and sexy over the years is a disciplined practice — having erotic date nights, attending classes, sometimes getting coaching and support when it’s needed. But more often, it’s just creating the environment and intentionally setting time and a container for our eroticism to have space to be cultivated and to bloom. Just like any disciplined practice, we block the time off, create the space and sit down to practice.

The Resistance to Planning

A lot of people are really resistant to the whole ‘planned datenight’ thing. When I’m coaching couples or talking about it in workshops, they say, “No, I want it to be spontaneous. I want it to be just, you know, my partner wanting me all the time.” And of course, many of us want that. It’s natural that we desire that spontaneous, that effortlessness that comes sometimes when the stars align, and that’s beautiful and we can often look at how to create a life and mindset where spontaneous hot eroticism just happens randomly through your day…

But being realistic is recognising that it does not always flow that way and many of us are not in the kind of life context where we have the space and energy for that kind of play to just happen, especially if we work a lot, have kids, stress, commitments, shared housing, trauma etc.

If we want to hold on to that story that ‘good sex’ is only coming from being spontaneous and in the flow and with no effort, then we’re likely going to end up in a sexless and disappointing relationship, or throwing away a perfectly good relationship because ‘the sex didn’t work’ when you barely even tried.

Some people will either end up resentful and sticking with the relationship but feeling frustrated sexually, unmet and unfulfilled, or they’ll end up blaming the relationship itself and thinking it means that they’re not meant to be with their partner and leaving — rather than cultivating the erotic discipline, showing up and putting effort in as a practice. Yes, it’s a form of devotion — a willingness to go beyond the self, the ‘hard’ and the resistance for something important. And, it’s a knowing of the consequences of not doing this. And the longer you wait to cultivate the discipline, the harder it will be to work through the issues and built up resentment.

Of course, if you prefer, you can always just ditch the long-term relationship goal, eternally stay within the first honeymoon period, bouncing person to person and leaving when things get hard. For some people, that’s what they do and it is enough for them. Or, they decide to be polysexual (either consensually or not) and let their main relationship become platonic/sexless and just find sexual satisfaction in these newer loverships. That’s one way that you can go about things, of course and many people do find satisfaction in seperating companionship and eroticism.

But if you do want to maintain the lover energy with a partner over years, it takes a constant showing up. It takes dedication, discipline — a discipline to show up and create eroticism together (in our case, at least once a week unless we have reasons), a discipline to use the tools that you learn at conscious sexuality workshops and sacred sexuality spaces and to actually put them into practice.

[I have online courses for couples if you don’t have these skills, by the way. Later this year after my tour in Australia, Tristen and I will be creating a brand new course and membership for couples. If you have the old courses you’ll get special upgrades and offers so you can get started now and enjoy the upgrade later!]

Erotic Discipline as a Solo Practice

And even if we are in a partnership, maybe we are the one willing to show up for it, but our partner isn’t. Maybe you’re like me and you have a higher sexual drive than your partner, and you have the choice to either wait around for them, feeling unsatisfied, or to take radical self responsibility for your erotic thriving regardless of how anyone else shows up.

Or maybe you are single, dating or celibate and you’re also letting go of waiting for someone to ‘save you’, sweep you off your feet and seduce you.

Regardless of the way anyone else shows up or not, we can still look at:

How am I showing up for my eroticism, my own relationship to my sexuality?

Am I creating the conditions and spaces for my eroticism to bloom?

Am I taking care of my sexual self?

Am I topping up my pleasure cup?

Am I doing things that make me feel passionate and vibrant and alive?

Or— am I becoming undisciplined?

Am I being passive, just letting that spark dim?

You can be sexually thriving, erotically activated and living a delicious life without any partner at all, without relying on anyone else to show up in any way at all.

If we want to live an erotic life, if we want to be a Liberated Sensualist, if we want to experience life as juicy and fulfilling and pleasurable and fun… we need to prioritise and nourish this aspect of ourselves. We have to show up with that devotional discipline.

There might be seasons where this erotic flow just happens naturally — maybe while we are on holiday/traveling, newly in love, in a phase of our awakening or particularly spacious. But, if we want that juicy life more regularly, that becomes our practice. That’s our spiritual work. That’s our ‘gym’, our Yoga. We do our practice. We invest in that area of our life, which involves investing time, energy, and yes, often money to learn the tools, to become familiar with certain techniques, to get support.

(Maybe we read ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ and get inspired for how sacred sensuality, Tantra and Erotic Mysticism can support that journey… wink wink…)

If we struggle with self-discipline doing it ourselves, then maybe we need to hire a coach or have some kind of accountability container where we have to show up for it. And that discipline has its rewards. The choice to not has it’s consequences. It might feel frustrating at times. It will take effort. You might prefer if things were easy. But the right relationship to the consequences is knowing what it’s like to live a turned-off, non-juicy, numb, detached-from-life existence.

Understanding What We’re Missing

A lot of us that have dipped our toes into the tantric field or sacred sexuality remember what it was like beforehand, and what it can be like when we activate the full potential of our sexuality. We know that unique kind of suffering that comes from feeling numb and detached from our sexuality. Sometimes it’s a very obvious kind of suffering, and sometimes it’s this low-level depression, fuzziness or anxiety in the background that might not be super obvious — until we have an erotic reawakening and we feel that zestiness again.

So we pick what kind of hard. We make the time, even if it involves cutting down on other things (like scrolling or watching TV shows or waking up earlier) and we do the practice, even when we don’t feel like it. We create a positive association in our body-mind with practice and each time we sit down to do it, we wonder why we had any resistance to it in the first place.

Sometimes we may need to motivate ourselves through connecting to that suffering again, connecting to the lack, the frustration, and grieving what we’re missing. Feeling the emotions tied to that feeling of lack to let that be a fuel to motivate us to show up for our practice. Learning to commit to putting it into our calendar like any other important meeting, the same way you would prioritize having time to catch up with your family or doing anything else in your life that you value as important. Even if it’s once a month. Even if it’s a 15 minute pleasure practice. We can find some time to offer ourselves something!

We all have different levels of priority and capacity for how much we’re willing to invest and show up for this part of our lives, and that often can be tied to privilege or scarcity. If our schedule is super full all the time because we’re just so stressed and so weighed down ust trying to feed our families and to make enough money to survive, of course then fitting in multiple hours of self-pleasure isn’t going to be as much of a priority as getting paid or doing what’s necessary to survive…

But for a lot of people who do have the time — and if you think you don’t have the time, I invite you to look at how many hours you spend scrolling the internet each week and ask yourself if you could maybe minimize that by one hour and spend it in erotic practice with yourself or your partner instead. One less movie or TV show, one less doom-scrollathon. I know I like many might make the excuse that ‘I’m too tired’ and want to collapse into passivity in those time spaces, but when we actually do our practice we find a life-giving, nourishing experience that actually helps us to alchemise and digest a lot of our life’s stressors.

So, connect with that deep desire for more juiciness and aliveness. If not for yourself, then for the people around you who also benefit from the transmission of your radient, passionate, juicy, turned-on version of you. That version of you is co-creating vibrant energy that people are often thankful to experience, especially in times where people are numbing out, overwhelmed and frustrated.

Erotic, embodied people who are feeling good in themselves are like these little beacons of light and hope in challenging times, and have more resilience and capacity to be able to support others and show up for others in life. This fullness ripples out.

Is it time to cultivate this self-discipline?

My invitation to you is to honestly look at what your relationship to self-discipline in connection to your eroticism.

How do you show up for yourself and for your sexuality?

Are you a victim of circumstance, waiting for the elusive ‘right time’ or ‘right person’ to claim your erotic aliveness? Or a conscious creator?

Are you showing up at all, or are you letting it fizzle out and prioritizing other things?

What excuses do you make to why you can’t make the time and are they really true?

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Is there a way that you can connect with both the type of suffering that comes from not working on that area of your life, and the potential benefits for yourself and for others around you when you are using the tools and are showing up?

If you are wanting to cultivate a longer-term self-discipline practice around eroticism, I have a few different pathways.

If you are focusing on yourself, then you can always start with my book, The Liberated Sensualist, which contains 40 practices to take you from feeling a bit numb, shut down, and disconnected to feeling juicy, vibrant, devotional and fully alive. Get the Companion Course to pair it with all the guided audios so you can drop deep into a regular practice.

If you’re already experienced with Sacred Sexuality, and you’re mostly done with ‘the healing work’, you know ‘the tools’, but you really want a place where you can continuously top up your practice, reconnect on a deeper level, revitalize without it feeling like work, then join Deep Eros, which is my monthly membership where you get a juicy, advanced erotic practice every month, as well as shadow work and meditations to support whatever frequency we’re playing with that month. Commit to living your most turned-on, juicy life and honouring your practice with devotion and discipline, because you know the cost of letting things fizzle out!

If you’re in a partnership, then I have some courses on the Sensual Art School where you can do online sessions and create that space with your partner to reconnect.

When we’re living in the illusion of ‘the separate individual self’, we believe our actions are a ‘personal choice’.

You’ll often hear this as a reflex response when someone questioning certain behaviours triggers some dissonance as a way to shut down the inquiry into the effects our actions have on other people and the wider world

“personal choice” is convenient, but not an experiential reality.

Especially in western modernity, we’re often cut off from viewing the repercussions of our choices - these repercussions are often heaped on poorer countries (think, pollution running into rivers and open mines everywhere so we can have our cheap clothes and gadgets).

Because we’re no longer living in a tight-nit community, people just avoid each other if they have grievances and loose touch with accountability and repair for the way out choices have impacted others. Many are left to deal with the impact alone or even pay for support (where it’s then personalised as an individual mental health issue)

When we recognise the nondual, interconnected nature of all things, we see that all of our choices create ripples. Some more obvious than others.

Many little choices…

I’d hope everyone was at least somewhat aware that ‘personal choices’ like what we buy, our diet, who we vote for etc, all create massive industries that have massive impact when all these billions of ‘personal choices’ come together.

When billions of people consume meat and dairy, this drives industrial animal agriculture that harms billions of animals and contributes significantly to global greenhouse gas emissions and land use. When millions of people fly regularly for business and holidays, this creates an aviation industry that adds billions of tonnes of CO2 to the atmosphere. When we normalize impulse online shopping and influencer fashion, we fuel factories that pump out pollution daily. Yet many of us only experience the convenience — not the extraction, waste, or damage happening elsewhere.

If we were living in a tribe, rather than an international economy where things are produced far, far away in a place we’ll never see or know, we’d be seeing most of the process of creation of what we own and consume. We’d have a relationship to where our items come from and where they end up when we’re done with them. Our choices would take into consideration the causes and effects more.

But this isn’t just about the more obvious consumption of goods and the materials, pollution and industries related to them.

Even more subtle choices have a cause and effect...

The choice to heal

Our decision to do ‘inner work’ will effect people around us, either bringing more connection when we build our relational skills or more tension if we stay in trauma patterns and cause chaos around. Choosing not to work on your patterns is absolutely a “choice” — but it is not private... our untended wounds leak out around us. They show up as reactivity, avoidance, control, withdrawal, projection.

Others pay the price for our unwillingness to look inside and for what was done to us earlier in life.

Even our choice to ‘do nothing’ even effects the pattern (like millions choosing to do nothing about a political change or environmental issues)

So when someone says “it’s my choice” to avoid responsibility, what they usually mean is they want autonomy without relational consequence.

Which is… not how reality works.

It’s not how relationships work.

Nonduality does NOT mean that we have no responsibility because everything is one and you are me and it’s all god... thats an immature bypass.

Nonduality actually implies greater responsibility, because harming “another” is harming the same field you live inside and you are coming into right relationship with cause, effect and impact.

Living ethically is uncomfortable

So, if we want to be intimate with life, good lovers, good friends and live in a thriving world, we have to start taking more personal responsibility for the impact out choices have on the world. We have to try to align our actions with our inner ethics and the impact we want to have on the world.

So yeah, if we ‘love animals’ yet we contribute to their harm day to day through purchasing factory farmed and animal tested products, we’re out of alignment. If we want to help heal the earth we can’t keep buying everything brand new that we want and ignore the concequences just because they’re only immediately seen and felt by others far far away.

And we’re not going to do this perfect. I’m not saying all this from a high horse (with packages from online shops arriving while I sit on my laptop and Ikea couch as if I’m totally innocent and never causing any harm)

But sometimes we need to really look at our values, what world we want to live in and if our actions are really aligning to that. We can’t complain that the world isn’t a healthy utopia while we make daily choices that don’t contribute to that potential future.

Sometimes it all feels too big, too much, too hard. Making ethical choices that consider more than us IS HARD. (as any vegan how damn inconvenient it is)

So, to sum it up, from an interconnected view: No, nothing is purely personal.

But yes, we still make what feel like individual ‘free will’ decisions — and their ethical weight increases, not decreases, when we understand interdependence and awaken beyond separation.

You don’t get less accountable when you realise you’re part of the whole... You become more aware to how you ripple out.

If you are interested in exploring embodied nonduality and living erotically in a way that is in alignment with the whole, grab a copy of my book THE LIBERATED SENSUALIST where we explore the Tantric path of awakening through the body

Get the Liberated Sensualist

If you’re interested in liberated relationships, download the Liberated Lovers e-book

It screams ‘new relationship energy’, passion, hunger, primal lust.

It’s that erotic experience so many of us deeply crave, and the kind of feeling that tends to fade in long term relationships with security and familiarity.

When we’re truly ravished, we loose ourselves. We can enter the mindless erotic trance of ecstatic surrender and be obliterated until we’re nothing but a pile of well-fucked goo.

I hope that everyone reading this has tasted at least a little of what I speak to… that devouring, hungry passion that strips you of your proprietary and your over-thinking mind and takes you into a place of carnal pleasure and an opening in the ego structure.

If this sounds like unfamiliar terrain I do hope it won’t be so for long…

But today let’s explore the relationship with ravishment, intensity, awakening and erotic mysticism.

Before we dive in, just a note: If you missed it, my book ‘THE LIBERATED SENSUALIST- THE MODERN TANTRIKA’S GUIDE TO EMBODIED AWAKENING’ is out now! I spent 2 years writing this book and pouring over a decade of wisdom about Tantra, erotic mysticism, sacred sexuality and somatics into this book to support people to awaken and transform.

As a new self-published author with a relatively small audience, I’m asking for support to help get my book out there. Every sale means a lot to me, and if you could also share the book with a friend, buy a copy for a loved one or even put one in a local cafe or yoga studio that would help me a lot! Check out how to get a copy here.

She strips away…

Ravishment evokes the experience of intensity. It’s not sweet and polite, it’s an energy that consumes and takes. In it’s shadow, without consent it can be a violating and traumatising force that takes too much too fast (think- a home ravished by a wildfire) but in it’s most pure form it’s the ravishing force of fierce grace, stripping us of our suffering and outdated identities to bring us back to our raw primordial self.

If we fully consent to this type of ravishment that strips us of all that is not true, we find the kind of love that can only be found through radical truth and confrontation of reality as it truly is, without our identities, illusions and preferences distorting it.

The Tantric tradition offers multiple fierce Goddesses' to explore this process, the most famous being Kali Ma.

Kali devours and ravishes us, she comes into our lives to strip us bare of all our illusions and identities, to ‘cut off our head’ (dislodge the Ego) and reveal divine love through this fierce process.

I found in my own life that Kali came to me during my dual Saturn Return and Pluto Conjunction, both astrological times for intense disillusion and life-ravishing where everything we think we know is flipped and transformed. I found myself drawn to her mantras, her symbology and becoming intimate with the void as so much was crumbling around me. I bowed to her, surrendered to her, and let her take me apart.

She shows us that this terrifying aspect of the divine — the part of life where we have been pushed into the unknown and stripped bare — is an act of love, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. If we resist this process we suffer, if we fully consent we die (in a spiritual ‘die to all I thought I was kinda way) and are reborn.

If we fully consent to being ravished by Kali Ma, if we bravely dive into the void naked and vulnerable, we can find something beyond what our ego’s smaller desires could imagine.

Within the Mahavidya Tantric Goddesses of annihilation we also have Bhairavi (who features in the famous Vijhana Bhairava Tantra with her counterpart Bhairava who is a fierce form of Shiva)

Bhairavi is obliteration through the heat of intensity, another ‘terrifying’ expression of the Goddess. While Kali will cut off your head and devours time itself, Bhairavi will burn your illusions and demand your surrender. She is the more erotic of the sisters, the force that moves through extreme states to shatter the prison of the separate self.

There are many archetypes and symbols for this aspect of the divine… There are many ways we understand it.

It’s The Towers in tarot, The underworld journey, the time in your life when everything goes wrong, the lover who you fall for hard but your relationship is so toxic it threatens to destroy you… The alchemy of the pain that cracks you open to a new paradigm. The ultimate fuel for transformation…

And if you eroticize this process, you can feel it as being fucked open and ravished by the divine for your liberation.

Share Love that Liberates

Other, Mother, Lover…

In Erotic Mysticism, the divine is seen not as a parental energy (father god/ divine mother) but as a lover, a mysterious force we’re in a love-affair with full of tension, longing, uniting and seemingly departing. If we’re non-dualists, we see the beloved as the ‘greater us’, our full nature that we’re remembering and coming back into wholeness with. So it feels ‘other’ until we unite in spiritual insight and remember ourselves as a fractal of the whole.

Sometimes our love affair with this divine greater self feels sweet, full of yearning and delicious remembering moments.

Sometimes it’s a kinky love affair full of pain, humiliation, tension and ravishment.

Eroticising the process involves fully consenting and finding a pleasure in all parts of the divine play. It’s all an epic romance between the smaller personal you and the divine all-pervasive god you. The turmoil all a contrast to the ultimate bliss. The sweet suffering creating the erotic polarity for the excruciating pleasure.

It means that your obliteration from intense ravishment becomes an orgasmic experience of ultimate surrender, the little death as orgasm.

The Longing for Oblivion

There is an existential exhaustion we face by having to ‘people’ all the time. The need to be ‘someone’, to achieve something, manage our self image, assert our boundaries, to have responsibilities and live with integrity and show up and heal and and and… it's relentless.

There is a longing to release the burden of being and to become nothing and no one. A kind of spiritual homesickness.

We may chase it in drugs, we may fall into suicidal ideation, we may numb in whatever way we can. But these are are distorted expressions and ways to chase a deeper truth. They offer a counterfeit dissolution, a false death that doesn't actually liberate.

What we long for is a return to source, to our true unbound nature and a union with the beloved.

Mystics throughout time have discovered gateways into this state, ways to rapture the seperate self and experience this spiritual union we so deeply crave. They might be glimpses at first, but with practice we can remember this truth not just with our minds but deep within our bodies and souls.

One of these gateways is through a surrender to intensity. An overwhelm of the senses that shortcuts the mind and allows us to release the ‘I-machine’. Not numbing sensation but amplifying it until the one feeling it dissolves.

Many have found this sweet release through orgasmic states driven to the edge of what can be endured. It’s a very different orgasm when you’ve brought yourself to the absolute threshold of what you can handle, the sweet agony of pleasure and pain merging as you feel yourself coming undone…

It’s not the sweet, romantic cresting of a wave that blossoms you open—

It’s a lightning bolt that cracks through you and brings an annihilating energy.

And guess what — while it’s delicious to have a partner devour you in this way, you can actually play with this alone.

Sound Tasty??

This month in Deep Eros, this is the energy we’re working with.

The ego-destroying, coming-undone-at-the-seams kinda self pleasure ritual where you invite the divine to ravish you to oblivion.

You’ll edge yourself, blend pleasure and pain and enter an erotic trance state that can catapult you into the void.

You’ll also get a disillusion meditation and shadow work practice to take it deeper.

This membership is for experienced sensualists who want to take their erotic practice deeper from a place of devotion and joy rather than self healing.

JOIN THE PARTY

Not ready for that yet?

Start off with my book- THE LIBERATED SENSUALIST… read the philosophy, do the practices and you’ll be ready for advanced rituals like this in no time ;)

I also have DEEP SELF WORSHIP as a more beginner friendly sacred sexuality course with self pleasure rituals for healing and awakening.

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There has been a big debate raging in the world of Tantra for quite some time — It’s about just how sexual Tantra really is/was. You’ll hear people say ‘Tantra is only x% about sex’, ranging from 1-30% depending on who you ask.

As someone who came to the ‘Tantra world’ from working with sexuality and with interest in the sexual practices (who then fell in love with the traditional philosophy and yogic practice), I have been interested in exploring if there is validity in what is taught in the NeoTantra world, where the practices come from and how to improve efficacy as a teacher in this field.

I wrote a whole book that brings together traditional and Neo Tantra with a focus on sensual and erotic practices, so this is more than just a hobby of mine. I have been meaning to write this article for a while (but kept getting distracted by finishing the book), as this is such a hotly debated topic that I have researched quite intently, and here it finally is.

To answer this question of how sexual tantra was, we also need to consider that different people have different definitions of what sexual or erotic practice exactly is. For some people, the only thing fitting that definition is PIV (penis in vagina) practices between a male and female. For many of us who are sensualists, queer or erotic mystics, our definition of erotic practice is far more vast and can cover many practices ranging from meditating on touch to raising energy from our genitals through our body, to full PIV or orgiastic experiences.

When you enter the modern NeoTantra scene, you find a lot of focus on sex and sexuality. You find yoni/lingam or erotic massages, sexual yoga practices, self pleasure practices and a lot of focus on love, sex and relating. You’ll also find a lot of practices that work with emotions, dance, touch, senses, meditations and energy body work that are much more connected to the original tradition than many like to imagine. Still, many people, when they hear the word Tantra, ONLY think of Sacred Sexuality. I still get emails all the time from people wanting an erotic massage, despite there being no indication on my website or offers that I offer that kind of service despite the appearance of the term Tantra.

If you enter the ‘Classical Tantra’ world of scholars and yoga, you’ll likely find people saying there is little to no sexuality in Tantra and that it’s all a western creation, and that the only sexual rituals were very strict and not at all the juicy, sensual, pleasure focused style of NeoTantra. The image is that sex in Tantra was only for particular rituals where people would be having long, intense rituals with little to no pleasure, only focusing on sublimation of energy.

There is often a lot of resistance to NeoTantra and a lot of judgment from the traditionalists, and some of it is very fair of course, but it’s also not at all true that Tantra had little to no sexual elements. Depending where you look in it’s history, and which scriptures you study, you’ll see very different things.

Tantra is such a huge tradition with so many lineages, branches and approaches. It encompasses both Hindu and Buddhist tracts, as well as having some branches that were more shamanic. A fair chunk of it’s history has been lost due to burning of books and scriptures, and the dying out of many oral lineage teachings in the past few centuries. I would hazard a guess that when people were coming to burn certain scriptures (especially when it’s being done by very conservative religious groups like Muslims and Christians), the sexual and radical practices would be first to burn. They always have been, in every spiritual tradition, which is why tracing the origins of Sacred Sexuality is incredibly hard despite most spiritual/religious paths having some elements of it.

It should be clear that there remains a considerable lack of awareness – even among scholars – about the great diversity of practices that exist within Indo-Tibetan religious traditions and fall under the extremely broad rubric of ‘Tantric sex’ Tantric sex is not an a-historical, monolithic category. As mentioned above, Tantric methods spanned across lineages, cultural communities, and religious denominations. Shaiva Tantric sexual yoga texts and practices are multiple, internally diverse and have evolved in their own ways. They both overlap and differ from Shakta texts and practices, just as Shaiva and Shakta varieties are distinct from Vajrayana ones. Equally, Tibetan Karmamudra practices are also not necessarily reducible to their Indian prototypes.

-Dr Nida Chenagtsang. Karmamudra: The Yoga of Bliss: Sexuality in Tibetan Medicine and Buddhism

We also find in initiation-based lineages that many practices are guarded and coded so that people like us wouldn’t understand the hidden meaning of risqué practices — so that also is something to factor in when we look for evidence. ‘Lotus and Sceptre’ ‘The poison and the tip’, and even ‘supreme bliss’ can be codes for sexual practice.

But we can find remnants of sexual practices, orgiastic carvings, tales of erotic rituals and many indications that the sexual imagery was not just a metaphor but a clear sign that sexual yoga was a common practice.

So all of this is to say that getting a very clear, definitive answer on ‘How sexual was Tantra back in the day?’ is difficult, but we can explore some of the evidence from the current translated texts and practitioners available to us to have an idea.

I’ll share with you just a few of the many sexual practices that I’ve come across in only 5+ years of studying traditional Tantra, and I’m sure there are many, many more out there yet to be discovered. As I’m not a ‘scholar’ there is a chance some of this may be out of context or slightly misunderstood, so I’m open to discussions and feedback in the comments.

KAULA TANTRA - THE TRANSGRESSIVE PATH

Let’s start with the primary lineage I practice with, NonDual Shaiva/Shakta Tantra. In these scriptures you find mostly sexual practice to break taboos, group ritual gatherings and practices with intensive meditative focus. You’ll find a lot of working with kundalini, sexual fluids and expanding ones capacity to be with intensity and retain clear consciousness.

To begin with, the very famous ‘Vijñāna Bhairava Tantra’ has multiple sexual and sensual practices. The practices offered when straight-up translated are relatively vague, confusing due to coded terms and open to interpretation at times (aimed to be shared by gurus who know more about the practice and with commentary), but we find multiple examples where the practice is clearly sexually focused.

Verse 68 (which took scholar Christopher Wallis “literally years to decode”):

“One should cast one’s heart-mind, full of pleasure, into the center point between the ‘fire’ [at the root] and the ‘poison’ [at the tip] with either kevala-kumbhaka or pūraka-kumbhaka; thus one is connected to the bliss of [sexual] passion.”

Which connects with a practice in the Recognition Sutras

...”And, by nourishing and sublimating the energy (in the region of) the lower Kundalini- that is, the ‘sixth face’- there occurs an immersion into sensation on the levels of its root, its tip and its center’

Possible translation involves “Fire” meaning the beginning of sexual arousal, “poison” meaning the peak/orgasm OR more likely, Fire being the Kanda/red bindu and Poison being the tip of the penis or clitoris, so the point between would be the perineum or pelvic floor. The ‘6th Face’ is known as the ‘mouth of the yogini’, which would be either a vulva or the base of the central channel or kanda (secret chakra) if it were to include male and female practitioners. It’s assumed the practice involves harnessing orgasm by drawing it into the central channel, and/or drawing attention away from the point of most sensation during climax, pausing the breath and sending the energy upward to pierce the ‘knot’ in the central channel so energy can flow.

It’s common in NeoTantra that people train applying bandhas (locks) before orgasm, doing breath holds, and intentionally sending the orgasmic energy through the central channel to unblock any knots or debris from Kundalini’s path, so this is not so different from techniques I and many others have learned and practised if the understanding of the code words is correct.

From Verse 69 translated by Lilian Silburn:

“The enjoyment of the Reality of brahman [experienced] when absorption in the energy, vigorously stirred through union with a consort [Śakti], comes to an end, that is known as intimate enjoyment.“

This describes using the moment after orgasm when energy is “vigorously stirred” and then settles as a doorway to mystical states.

Her commentary on this verse: “When the bliss related to sensual pleasure permeates the entire being and changes into intimate mystical enjoyment, it transcends desire and purifies thought, which it calms down… So, according to the great saying of the Tantra, that which is a cause for bondage to ordinary humans proves to be, to the siddha, a means of liberation. Even in the height of the agitation particular to sexual desire, one is carried, through the ascent of Kuṇḍalinī, to where the energy surges forth, to its vibrant source.”

A simple way to practice this is to meditate on the bliss flowing through you after an orgasm, staying connected to the energy and aliveness until it melts away into your ordinary state.

There are also meditations on sensation and bliss, which I find personally to be ‘erotic’ in nature, though others might disagree. Meditating on taste, sound, feelings of joy and bliss are all ways we can connect to our sensual, erotic nature as well as our unbound true essence.

A final passage will transition well into the more intensive sexual rituals.

“Pursuing Her until one abides within Her in the ‘sacrificial rite’ consisting of
supreme delight (mahānanda), one who is penetrated & permeated (samāviṣṭa)
by that Goddess attains supreme Bhairava.”

This is believed to be linked to probably the most famous sexual ritual described in chapter 29 of the Tantrāloka, which has some overlaps with the Viramelapa.

The Vīra Gatherings: The wild AF Ritual Assemblies

The most explicit descriptions of the ‘orgiastic’ rites come from texts like the Jayadrathayāmala, which details something called a Vīramelāpa—literally an “Assembly of Heroes.” Here’s what happened:

The Setup:

These rituals were held in a secluded house “free of all disturbances and full of the scent of flowers, fine incense, and fragrant powders”. They were only for initiated practitioners like teachers (gurus), advanced students, and female practitioners called Yoginīs. Participants sat in five concentric circles arranged by spiritual rank. Everyone had to “know the discipline, be devoted to the Goddess, and maintain the observance of Bhairava” aka be trained in nondual meditation and have capacity to stay present through intensity.

The Offerings: This is where it gets intense. The texts describe offerings including:

“Wine (Madyabhairava), dark red and red-eyed... cups filled for them, which should also be well provided with the flowers of the human body and the five nectars.”

The “five nectars”? Traditional sources say this meant sexual fluids, menstrual blood, urine, faeces, and wine. Yes, really. And there is good reason to believe the wine is not just typical grape wine but included psychedelics, as it was compared to the SOMA, which was known to be psychedelic (most ‘wine’ in ancient times was intensive concoctions of all kinds of mind-altering substances- read ‘The Immortality Key’ for more on that)

The Kulārnava Tantra is even more direct:

“Without thousands of pots of liquor, without hundreds of heaps of meat, and without the nectar of the vulva and penis, O Beautiful-Hipped One, I will not be pleased.”

After extensive drinking and feasting on forbidden foods (meat was taboo for most Hindus), the gathering would erupt into what can only be described as ecstatic chaos:

“They dance, laugh out loud, and leap about eager to revel. They collapse, run, vomit, tremble, perspire, and faint. Some voice Mantras, others the secret teachings... Some will engage in copulation and drink its product when replete.“

Scholar Shaman Hatley describes it:

“Highly regulated coitus may form an element of the secret assembly or ‘tantric feast’... While the gathering is in some respects tightly choreographed, the erotic acts are not: the heroes (vīra) and yoginīs behave as impelled by the cosmic śakti. Some dance, laugh, leap, give voice to mantras or to poetry, or perform mudrās; others copulate, consuming the products thereof. This unscripted sexuality takes on an ecstatic quality.”

There are more references to the secret Tantric Feasts that are said to involve intensive meditation and chanting before opening to spontaneous expression in a variety of forms, which can include sexual union. Also I found many references to female-only feasts, ‘Yogini Chakras/mandalas’ described by Miranda Shaw, where the yoginis who would dance, celebrate, speak spontaneous awakened poetry, dance with skeletons and play music in abandoned temples and cremation grounds… and practice sacred sexuality (whether together in paired/group practice or doing solo sexual yoga in a group it is not clear).

In all of these gatherings, the practitioner had to maintain awareness while in ecstasy. From traditional sources on the qualified practitioner:

“Endowed with a pure heart, having renounced everything, without the slightest attachment to his partner, to desire or enjoyment... able to withdraw in a single instant his thought and senses from the source of excitation; oblivious of pleasure at the very climax of enjoyment, he is engulfed in a bliss known as the bliss of brahman.”

Think about that: you had to be able to remain completely detached and aware while engaging in orgiastic, wild ritual while being intoxicated by wine, with maybe some harder drugs, that’s not recreational sex but advanced yogic training using maximum stimulation as the training ground.

The TantraLoka ritual encouraged people to do sexual practices with those ‘outside their cast’ to break down conditioning.

“Brahmins and persons of the lowest castes should practice [the circle rite] together. For the radiant senses themselves do not react with perturbation even when their object is an untouchable.”

A big part of the practice was breaking through perceptions of who or what was sacred and finding the divine in everything. They were explicitly trained to see women as embodiments of the Goddess.

"This union being a mystic one, the vīra does not see in his partner a mere human being but reveres her as divine, on a par with a yoginī or a goddess, without taking heed of her beauty or caste."

So in all, this sounds far more risque than the Temple Night’s you’ll find modern Tantrika’s exploring where everyone is intentionally sober.

So you can see here that sexual ritual was not just a strict and tedious practice of control, but could involve some pretty hardcore experiences in groups specifically designed for people to get absolutely wild while remaining present and aware.

Riding the Edge of Desire

Other Sexual practices are more about bringing up lust and desire, being in intimate contact with a beautiful partner, but not penetrating them or ejaculating. This is about coming into deep control over the sexual urges and maintaining yogic focus while being with the erotic charge.

The Woman’s Orgasmic Sound as Mantra

Another interesting find is the meditation on the involentary sounds that a woman makes as she climaxes.

From Abhinavagupta’s commentary on the Parātriṃśikāvivaraṇa:

“The unvoiced syllable which, lodged in the throat of a beautiful woman, [arises] in the form of an unintentional sound, without forethought or concentration [on her part]—[the practitioner] entirely directing his mind there [on that sound], brings the entire world under his control.”

They’re talking about the involuntary “ha, ha, ha” sounds a woman makes during arousal and climax, considered:

“The Essence of Desire [kāmatattva]... by means of which one enters the heart of Bhairava.”

Yoni Worship

And finally, for the Kaulas, some quotes from the ‘Yoni Tantra’ on the worship of the yoni (vulva) as a gateway to liberation, which is arguably the most explicitly sexual Tantra with the most intense practices named.

"Hari, Hara and Brahma — the gods of creation, maintenance and destruction — all originate in the yoni."

"What is the use of talking! To speak of this avails naught. If a person worships with menstrual flowers [blood] , he also has power over fate. Doing much Puja in this way, he may become liberated."

“One becomes very wealthy if marking oneself with a forehead mark of yoni flowers. Devi, smeared with red, one dwells in Durga’s paradise.”

“One should always smear a line of menstrual blood or sandal paste or semen on the forehead. For Viras, this is the core of true bliss.”

So maybe all those influencers doing moon blood facials isn’t such a new thing?

“In the mutual friction of the Linga and Yoni is great Sadhana. The greatest thing in Mantra recitation and Sadhana is the outflow of semen and vaginal emission.“

“If intercourse is performed in Viparita mode [woman on top], the Shakti becomes the Goddess.“

“Liberation is achieved through enjoyment. Happiness is gained through enjoyment. Therefore, by every effort, a Sadhaka should become an enjoyer.“

“The only evil in sexual intercourse is disgust for blood and semen.“

There were lots of questionable passages in this text, and even though it is published online and quoted every now and then, it does finish with a threat of death to share the text, probably because of said questionable parts. But hey, at least they said you’ll be cursed if you worship a yoni that is pre-menstruation, even if it considers 12-year-old girls old enough to practice if they have bled.

PAIN AND KINK

I won’t go into it so much here (though I do in my book and in my old course the Art of Tantric Kink), but there were also pain meditations, sensory deprivation and other practices that could be considered ‘kinky’ if we want to bring that discussion into the ‘erotic’ realm. So yeah, those Tantra & Kink workshops aren’t totally made up either.

So this side of Tantra mostly shows using sex to transgress cultural norms and taboos, trains participants in handling intensity with pure awareness and trains meditative absorption through orgasm.

Think of it less like "sacred lovemaking" and more like extreme sports for consciousness, where they were using sex, intoxicants, and transgression the way a skydiver uses jumping out of planes: as a carefully controlled encounter with intensity that reveals something about the nature of reality and the self.

Why All the Secrecy?

These practices were kept intensely secret for good reasons:

1. They were dangerous or even deadly if misused - wrong use of sexual fluids, intoxicants, or energy practices could harm you

2. They violated every social norm - practitioners could be literally executed for doing what they did back then. Good reason to keep them hush-hush

3. They required years of preparation - jumping in unprepared would just reinforce ego and desire, potentially traumatise and set people back.

4. They were easily misunderstood - even with some of the more lengthy explained practices, there was likely so much more context and nuance than we’ll ever be able to understand here.

The texts repeatedly warn that these teachings must only be practised by those who have:

• Overcome attachment to pleasure and pain

• Mastered preliminary yogic practices

• Transcended concern for social approval

• Found a qualified teacher in an authentic lineage

So yeah, we likely aren’t replicating the kind of practices and rituals that were done ‘back in the day’ in modern Tantra workshops, it would be unsafe and probably get teachers sued, cancelled and even locked up for doing so. Few modern practitioners are dedicated enough to stay with one teacher for many years and commit to the kind of practice that would make many of these rituals doable or beneficial at all. In these days, pracittioners were generally practicing together for many years, living in a town or even shared home together and considered each other ‘brother/sister’ they were so close, so this context allowed much more capacity to stretch the boundaries of intensity.

But — we can take inspiration from what we learned here and see how we can bring in the wisdom and medicine from some of these rites, and create practices that are safer, more accessible and have some of the benefits that these yogis sought.

Now you might be thinking: “So, it’s definitely not all pleasure and worship like those NeoTantra workshops… right?”

Well, when we look over to Vajrayana Buddhism (Tantric Buddhism), we see more sexual practices that sound a hell of a lot more like NeoTantra…

Pleasure and worship of women as a Path to Enlightenment

In Tantric Buddhism, there are many more explicit and clear sexual practices that involve pleasure as a sacramental offering and pathway to ‘supreme bliss’, which is argued to mean the orgasmic state of consciousness.

Many of the coming quotes are from Miranda Shaw's powerful book ‘Passionate Enlightenment’, which focuses on the role of women in Tantric lineages, challenging ideas that women were just used in rituals for the male participants' benefit. The quotes Miranda shares show a very sex and pleasure-positive, female-worshipping approach where sexual pleasure and bliss is recognised as a gateway to the divine.

The Yoginī-Tantra: Female-Centred Sexuality

Perhaps most surprising is how explicitly sensual and pleasure-focused the yogini texts are.

There is still a lot of scepticism around sexual yoga in Tibetan Buddhism and sexist assumptions about the nature of the practices. Miranda writes:

“A highly-regarded American scholar-practitioner... dismissed sexual yoga practices casually as nothing more than elaborate mechanisms through which ‘those guys’ (i.e. male Tibetan lamas) could ensure they got laid.”

But Shaw argues this completely misses the female-centred nature of many practices and ignores women who were practitioners in their own right. Some of the scriptures even go as far as to say that one can not attain enlightenment without sexual sadhana.

A common ritual in NeoTantric circles is to transfigure your partner into a Goddess or God and offer devotional touch and worship, aiming to stay with this transfiguration and deep presence as you connect with them. You can see a correlating passage here:

Another beautiful passage comes from the Yogini-Tantra that centres pleasure and the female sexual experience:

This is the Goddess speaking, instructing her consort. Note the emphasis on her pleasure, movement, and arousal—not on male control or retention.

Often, sexual fluids are used ritualistically, as we see in this verse:

This could also refer to the thigle mixing that is described in the Karmamudra practice, which is more of an energy body practice than a sexual fluid mingling, though there could be dual meaning.

These are just a few of many powerful translations she shares that show a very different view of Tantric Sexual practice, one that involves a focus on pleasure as an offering to the goddess, and a more female-centred focus than other more popularly shared texts, which have more of a male focus.

This is typical in all religions and traditions that feature sacred sexuality, where the female-focused sacred sexuality elements show a much more pleasure-focused and sensual practice, while the male-oriented practices seem to be more about control of urges and strict rituals.

Still, there are complex rituals mentioned — deity visualisation, bathing rituals, ways in which one should make food offerings and practice in certain ways to appease the Goddess and access supreme bliss. So while pleasure was centred and a part of the offering, it was not ‘simple’ in the way that many modern NeoTantra practices are simplified. There were still advanced energy body practices and visualisations to hone, and of course, sexual fluids to be consumed, as was the style.

One of the best known and documented sexual yoga practices is the Karmamudra, and if you’re interested, there is a book diving deep into it from

In Karmamudra, we practice with desire and erotic energy as a way to transmute the energy and alchemise emotions, blockages and contracted consciousness, opening the energy body up and exploring orgasmic states of consciousness. In the book, he talks about how Tantra had many practices for people with different dispositions, so if someone was highly motivated by sex and had a lot of sexual energy, it made sense to meditate on sex and use that as a pathway for their spiritual practice because they were passionate about it and had a lot of it to work with. Others would prefer repetition of mantras, movement practices or other forms of yoga.

I wonder how and why people who practice Tantra might not see that meditative inner yoga practice with a partner would be useful or important, especially when one of the premises of Tantric practice is that every part of your life becomes a space to bring in meditation, devotion and ritual.

Shaw writes: “Meditation in union with a human partner is deemed to offer a significant advantage over solitary meditation. The addition of the partner’s energy heightens the intensity and power of the meditation. The combination of their energies adds the quality and quantity of each partner’s energy to that of the other, thus accelerating the inner yoga practices of each”

This is a primary focus of most NeoTantra, bringing in meditation and inner yoga elements to partnered work. While some teachers do guide this as just a means to experience better orgasms, most I have encountered are doing it to merge their spiritual practice with their sexuality and to bring deeper consciousness, sensitivity and a sense of reverence to their intimate relationships.

I have also experienced that the NeoTantric ‘Energy sex’ practices support people to break out of the perception that sex and relating is a purely physical act between two people. By experiencing how we can both penetrate and be penetrated by others beyond the physical, we experience our ‘self’ as more than just a body — we see that we are spiritual beings with subtle bodies that are constantly exchanging, and we bring consciousness to that process. The practices leave people feeling both connected to transcendent elements of our spiritual nature and deeply embodied and connected to our humanity.

When we also bring in our inner work to release our stories and projections on others, continuously connect to present-moment reality as it is, and surrender to the Kundalini-shakti moving through us, we can break down so much conditioning and illusions of separation that keep us bound and suffering. Most Westerners have attachment trauma and decades of societal conditioning around sexuality to move through, and NeoTantra offers solutions to this that help countless people to feel freer, content and connected in this area of their embodied existence.

What I aim to do, and what I’d love to see more of, is teachers of NeoTantra bringing in more of ‘the View’ and integrating NonDual philosophy more into the practices, supporting people to move away from chasing after peak experiences and wanting to be ‘special’, and instead letting go into being with each other as we are, moment by moment, exploring how desire influences us and how we can enjoy the ‘play’ without getting our egos and samskaras entangled in the process.

We can see what these past practices and rituals were aiming to accomplish, and create modern practices that support people to reach that goal in whatever way is suitable with the state of our modern practitioners.

My new book ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ brings together the accessibility of modern Neo Tantra with the wisdom and depth of traditional Tantra. As you can see, I love to ‘nerd out’ and study these topics in depth, and I brought a lot more to this book if you find this subject interesting! The book is entirely focused on solo practice; I wanted to include partner work too, but it was already getting very long, so a book on partnered practice will come in the future. For now, you can read more about my book and buy it here. (There are 40 practices in the book so you don’t just get theory but embody it too!)

In summary

While a lot of NeoTantra might not be perfectly ‘Traditional’ and offered as it was thousands of years ago, you can see that completely discounting and saying it has ‘nothing to do with real Tantra’ is completely true either.

Most modern teachers aren’t pretending that we’re teaching completely authentic replicas of what was offered in the past anyway — that wouldn’t even be useful to most modern practitioners of this era and the context that we live and teach in. I wrote a piece on facebook about the whole concept of safety in transgressive ritual and how past practitioners could accomplish the intensity here with the container they had, and why it doesn’t work so well now.

We adapt with the times, and the benefit of being a modern teacher is that we can include modalities that are needed and important for modern folks, like the Wheel of Consent, Somatics, NonViolent Communication and other modern tools that complement what we do well. We aren’t living in rural India in the 1100s; we have intense worlds and fried nervous systems and all kinds of relational trauma as a result of colonialist capitalist perspectives that have been deeply ingrained in the modern psyche.

While I love to get inspiration from these ancient rituals, and to fantasise about how their rituals and practices looked, I also like to appreciate what is evolving right now in the world through Temple night experiences, at NeoTantra workshops and through Intimacy yoga practices as they spread.

Many of us are having very real awakenings and liberatory experiences with these technologies, while it’s hard to compare to stories from thousands of years ago, I do see the very real transformations happening before my eyes.

The question isn’t whether modern Tantra is “authentic” or “real” — it’s whether it serves people in reclaiming sexuality as sacred, transforming their relationship to desire, expanding their consciousness while addressing modern trauma, attachment wounds, and conditioning.

So the bottom line is: Yes, ancient Tantra was explicitly sexual. It contained:

• Ritual consumption of sexual fluids (including menstrual blood)

• Group sexual practices in circle gatherings

• Female-only sexual rituals between yoginīs

• Meditation techniques using orgasm as a doorway to mystical states

• Practices focusing on female pleasure and arousal

• Prolonged intercourse without ejaculation

• Mixing of “red and white seeds” as a sacrament

• Pleasure as a sacramental offering

• Yoni worship

• Transfiguration practices

• Kundalini energy body practices

But it wasn’t monolithic. Different traditions emphasised:

• Hindu Śaiva: Transgression, breaking taboos, intense control

• Hindu Śakta: Goddess worship, female empowerment

• Buddhist Vajrayana: Pleasure as path, mutual deification, bliss-emptiness recognition

As one text puts it:

"Love, enjoyed by the ignorant, Becomes bondage.
That very same love, tasted by one with understanding, Brings liberation.. . . .
Enjoy all the pleasures of love fearlessly, For the sake of liberation!"—Cittaviśuddhiprakaraṇa

The sexual practices weren’t primarily about having more or better sex. They were about using maximum stimulation as a technology to break through social conditioning, experience consciousness without contraction, recognise the divine nature of all phenomena (including the “forbidden”), access expanded states of awareness and in Buddhist contexts, to recognise the empty, luminous nature of pleasure itself.

Some ways we might integrate this into our own practice are:

• Worshipping the Yoni as sacred, working to see erotic fluids as holy.

• Meditating on the sounds we make in sex

• Building our capacity to create high arousal without needing to penetrate/ejaculate

• Bringing our meditative consciousness to ‘party’ environments and experimentation with substances

• Exploring techniques to bring our orgasmic energy into the central channel through breath holds and bandhas

• Meditating on post-orgasmic bliss

The modern “Tantra” you see advertised? It’s adapted ancient concepts while leaving out the hardcore yogic training, transgressive rituals, and decades of preparation that characterised the original practices — but it’s also addressing modern needs around trauma, consent, and embodiment that ancient texts didn’t focus on, making the benefits of these practices accessible to the masses with lower risk.

But at least now you know: when the ancients said “Tantra involves sex,” they absolutely meant it — they just meant something far more diverse, complex, dangerous, and transformative than most people today imagine.

I wrote ‘The Liberated Sensualist’ to fill a gap in the book market for Tantra and Sacred sexuality.

When people asked me to recommend a good book for learning about Tantra, I always had to ask ‘Do you mean traditional ‘spiritual awakening’ kinda Tantra or sacred sexuality?’

I’d then also need to assess if they were the kind of person who wanted to read academic historical stuff about the ancient lineages and the complex maps of reality, or if they wanted something accessible and digestible that will directly support them in their life to feel more free and empowered.

I’d also need to figure out if they were queer or hetero, because many books are for one category or the other.

I know a lot of fellow Tantrikas also felt similar to me- either we recommend books that are accessible and sexy that are incredibly inaccurate about what Tantra actually is (with some disclaimers!) or we point them to the chunky traditional sources which most people would probably find interesting but not helpful for what they’re actually looking for when they start exploring the Tantric path.

The Liberated Sensualist bridges this gap. What I’ve put together is something that is grounded in real Tantric practice and philosophy (mostly from Shaiva/Shakta Tantra but also some Vajrayana) but in a format that is relevant for the modern practitioner. It’s deep and full of the nondual philosophy and inquiry work that I fell in love with when I dove into traditional Tantra, but held in the practicality and accessibility of NeoTantra where it really shows you HOW to bring the philosophy and practice into your daily life.

Tantra is a path that helps us to find the sacred in the mundane, it invites us to dissolve the illusions and concepts that keep us separate and suffering, and transforms our body and consciousness. The ancient yogis dedicated their lives across thousands of years to explore the nature of reality, the mind and the body. They found techniques that shift your nervous system, psyche and perception of reality.

In the book I bridge this with the modern understanding of somatics, basic psychology concepts and neuroscience. I help you see how these techniques were not as ‘woowoo’ as they might seem but actually practices that do have very real effects on our bodies and minds.

The book helps support you to move from the kind of numbness and disconnection that the modern human is generally facing from our too-fast too-loud hyper individualist world into a way of being that supports more authenticity, sensitivity, genuine empowerment and unconditional love.

I can stand fully behind this work because not only has it radically transformed my own life (It’s hard to even connect with the past intensity-junkie numb and scattered version of ‘me’ that I once was!) but after teaching this work for so many years I’ve seen the way it’s transformed my students, friends and colleagues too.

I would argue that Tantra is the most relevant spiritual path for the modern person, because it was designed specifically to meet us in the intensity and chaos. It invites us to work WITH desire, pain and intensity rather than against it. It invites us to feel more and remember that we’re a part of a great web of life beyond our individuality.

Awakening is not just for gurus on mountain tops or hermits in caves... actually awakening in those situations may be ‘easier’ than it is to awaken from within the mess and chaos of living in the world and relating to other humans day in and day out, but it’s possible. This is the idea of the ‘left hand path’

It’s easy to see ‘we’re all one love and consciousness’ when you’re not seeing constant pain and suffering around you each day, when you’re hanging out with a tree rather than dealing with messy human relationships and social media.

But what I found as I started diving into traditional Tantra is that awakening is very possible for those who commit to their practice and show up for it. It can happen in a matter of years. It did happen in a matter of years for me when I fully dove in to the path. It’s not something reserved for people who are born into monkhood or leave their lives to reside in the mountains.

Actually, awakening is a shift in perception that can happen spontaneously in rare occasions but generally takes dedicated practice and devotion to break through ordinary perception, surrender the grasp of the Ego and re-orient to a different way of relating to the world around you.

Awakening doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly become some sweet-spoken wise sage type who never feels emotions again and is in eternal happiness, that is actually a projection of the mind and a story we believe. Tantric texts often describe crazy wisdom masters who seemed insane, women who were untamable and intense, and that from the outside many would not be able to tell if someone is awakened or not, though there is often something felt.

In the book I outline one possible roadmap for making this shift that includes the body and acknowledges the reality of trauma and typical dysfunctions that many modern people face as an obstacle to inner freedom and awakening.

It gives you can idea of where you might be stuck, what practices can help and what might emerge as a result of going on this journey.

And it focuses on the lower gateway, the ‘Red Bindu’ path of utilising the body, sexuality, passion and desire as a portal to awakening.

Most spiritual texts over the past few thousand years have emphasised the upper or heart gateways though meditation and compassion. But the Goddess worshippers and especially female wisdom masters for millennia before that used sexuality and relationships for awakening.

It’s a trauma-informed, queer-friendly book that will also help decolonise your mind and challenge your stories. And it’ll also help you experience erotic trance states, transcendent orgasmic experiences and find inner peace.

So if you’re curious about this path, the Yogini/Dakini wisdom delivered in a way that the modern human can truly connect to and relate to, grab the book and see how it resonates.

You can now buy The Liberated Sensualist!

If you enjoy my work at all I’d really appreciate if you bought the book, the e-book is only $9.99 US and it helps me so much to have the first month initial sales to support all the love I poured into this creation.

I also offer 5 of the practices in the book for free, 3 new recorded ones and 2 that were already online.

I’ve also created a course with all 40 practices plus some extra bonuses that you can buy. Buying the course also helps support this work financially, because as many of you know books make very little money and this was 2 years of work to create, so by buying the course you make it possible for me to keep writing and start creating my next books (since I had to stop almost all my other work to finish this!)

Also since I’m self-publishing I can use any help at all to get this out there to the world- if you can share with friends, recommend this book or support in any way I would be so grateful!

When most people think of power, they often associate it with wealth and influence.

Getting what you want when you want it.

Breaking the ‘rules’ and getting away with it.

Power OVER other people.

More for me, less for them.

Winning the ‘game’.

Even in the coaching/empowerment spaces, power is focused on as getting what you want. Sometimes in a healthy way, often in a way that leads us into the above ‘power over’ dynamics.

Because we believe, in our current paradigm, that getting what we want (right when we want it) will make us happy, and that the more we can influence the world, the happier we will be. The irony is that most spiritual masters and even scientists have found this to be incorrect (read: Stumbling Upon Happiness)

Many myths and stories warn of the corrupting nature of power.

The way it can make us lose our ethics, our integrity and our Truth.

The way people believe they are incorruptible by power, and are proven otherwise.

The way that the weight of responsibility, judgment, perception and influence start to crush us.

The tales often warn how those seeking power will inevitably be crushed by it in some way or another, and those who resist or avoid power but find themselves with it regardless are often times more able to wield it because they realise it’s not about ‘them’ and never was, it is about how the power can flow to others and be utilised for the benefit of the whole, rather than the benefit of the individual.

People in positions of power who are not relationally-focused (with their core values focused on self rather than community thriving and wellbeing) will attract people into their spheres who are seeking something from them.

In a hierarchical systems, those ‘below’ will want to get closer to the top, and will often distort themselves to get there. Because they are ‘lower’ on the pyramid, their instincts will tell them that safety and happiness lie in being closer to the ‘top’, and that their survival depends on climbing the ladder. Those at the top are aware of this instinct and will take advantage of those looking to climb the ladder.

Power becomes a game, and people are no longer fellow multi-faceted beings inherently worthy of kindness, abundance and care, but players on the board to be shifted and played to get what you want. Those in power tell themselves they are doing ‘good’ by even giving those lower on the power chain a chance to climb the ranks, so they justify the games and use of these people.

And yes, even the spiritual people play into these games of power, and are often best at lying to themselves about it. I’ve seen these games play out in almost every community and scene I have been in, from the artist scenes to the spiritual communities.

It’s so common we think it’s natural. We think it’s human nature. It’s definitely a part of human nature, but looking to other cultures, through history and at various power structures, we can see variations. We see other potentialities.

Because what if this game was always a lose-lose situation?

And the only way to actually find happiness (which we’re all unconsciously seeking through power, because we’ve been told that’s how we find it) is to exit that paradigm altogether?

The Shadow of Power

Think about it — You ‘get there’... You have wealth, status, and influence. People listen to your every word. Opportunities are flowing. You have more than enough money to live comfortably. People look up to you.

Others who also want money, fame, status etc, will need to act a certain way around you to stay in your favour and keep access to your power. They will even lie and manipulate you to ensure you keep them around so their opportunities stay open.

How can you trust their intentions? How do you differentiate between genuine friendship and love, and power-plays?

And this isn’t black or white… even people who do genuinely love and care about you will find themselves with choices to make on how honest they are, what boundaries they set and how they relate to you based on the risk of loss of power.

It’s a type of fawning that isn’t based on fear/threat (like a typical definition of a trauma response) but from a loss of access to power, which can be perceived as a threat in our current paradigm, where loss of access to power can mean homelessness, loss of access to basic resources etc.

Most people have a story that we all want and seek power, and that everyone plays ‘the game’, and everyone is manipulating each other — which I think is an incredibly sad reality to inhabit. You’ll hear this on all the alpha-bro podcasts and the sugar baby spaces, too. And it can seem like that is true depending on what ‘scene’ you inhabit.

In this perspective, it’s OK for older, more powerful men to get with young, impressionable women who are fawning over them, because all they want is power, and you have it, so you’re meeting their desires and getting what you want in the process. If this is clearly transactional (think- Sugar daddies and babies), everyone knows why they are playing the role they are playing and what they get out of it. If it is not clear in the dynamic, and one or both people are getting their feelings involved and believing the dynamic is authentic and real, people get hurt really fast.

In spiritual circles, this dynamic gets mixed up so much and causes so much pain. There is the role of teacher/leader mixed with perceived spiritual wisdom/maturity mixed with desire for love, unhealed parent wounds, feelings of unworthiness, insecurity on both sides and so many more distortions playing out. Impressionable young seekers think they will find healing, validation and security in chasing the power of being sexually entangled with a leader or authority figure. They think it will mark them as ‘special’, better than the other students, give them opportunities they otherwise wouldn’t have and meet a core need for being special and wanted by a parent figure.

Power-figures believe they are benefiting the student/young one, giving them ‘a transmission’ and getting their ego validated by the attention and fawning of someone who embodies youth and naivety. They tell themselves ‘we’re equals, I see your power’ yet happily take the lead and tell them what to do, what is the ‘right way’ and take advantage of the ignorance of someone who is newer to the path.

While every relationship will have some power differentials, when they are amplified and beyond a typical measure, things often distort. Age, experience, wealth, emotional awareness, intelligence, even desirability — when there is a slight difference, we can learn and grow with each other, but the larger the gap, the more the power dynamics risk becoming problematic. Especially when they’re not clearly communicated, discussed and explored intentionally.

We also need to ask ourselves what attracts us to someone when there is such a large gap in these areas, rather than meeting and being with someone who feels more like an equal?

Does our ego get off on being the more experienced/wise/attractive one, and the sense of power we have over the other?

Do we chase those who are so much more experienced/wise/attractive than us because we want to gain power through the dynamic, no matter the cost?

The things people will do to each other for power often amazes me. The lies, the role-playing, the mind games, the manipulation… The willingness to harm and be harmed. “Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you…” It sure is ‘tainted love’.

I like BDSM as much as the next kinkster, but I like it in designated times and with clear boundaries.

Many people enter into 24/7 power dynamics with no safe word or consent and boundaries chat first.

Let’s not deceive ourselves, and admit that these kind of power dynamic relationships are almost always a kink dynamic, not a mutually empowering meeting of equals that defines a deeper, authentic lovership. They’re based on playing with power, accumulating or chasing power, validation and seeking security.

Those who engage in and advocate for these dynamics will say all relationships are transactional, this is natural — but is this true?

Do we all seek power through our relationships, or is there another option to opt out of the games?

Enter the love paradigm, where power is relational.

A different power paradigm

If we define power as the ability to manifest your will and express yourself in this world — money and influence may be one possible option, but the other is strong relational fields and support systems, built on empowering relationships that allow self-expression and evolution to occur. When we have a strong support network, getting the things we want or need becomes a matter of asking and expressing, and collaborating to create those things. It might not get you a yacht, but you’ll be able to meet underlying needs and common desires together. Generally when we’re thriving a lot of the ‘wants’ we have shift anyway, because many desires are a product of our conditioning and status games, and we realise without those games playing out we don’t actually want much that can’t be found through genuine connections.

If we recognise that happiness doesn’t actually come from power over people and having whatever frivolous desires we have met, but from a deep inner relationship to our psyche, emotions and somatic realm, from forming authentic and caring relationships that are deep, nourishing and enlivening, and being able to access inner peace, we naturally orient to a different way of accessing and talking about power.

The reality is, humans are generally pretty terrible at knowing what would make them happy, and that’s what spiritual masters have been exploring and offering to humanity for thousands of years.

They recognised that things like:

• Being able to respond rather than react to life circumstances is power

• Ability to be with your emotions and inner state with self compassion and kindness, cultivating peace and wellbeing is power

• Forming strong relationships and supportive communities you can rely on and be held by is power

• Your sexual energy and eroticism is power

• Beauty and charisma are just as much a form of power as physical strength is

• Not needing validation or external changes to feel content and self-love is power

• Access to deep intuition and authentic truth is power

• Being in service to future generations and positive ripple-on effects of the work you do in this lifetime is power

• Being deeply connected to your unique self, and being willing to express your unique self to the world is power

And the thing is, people who have tapped into this other paradigm of power have no interest in manipulative power games. They have no interest in transactional relationships based on scripts. You will likely loose friendships and relationships with those who have exited the power game if you choose to play into those tactics, because having healthy boundaries around not being used and manipulated comes with the territory of embodied power.

Because this paradigm prioritises Truth, Authenticity and Love. It is focused on mutual thriving.

There is a whole paradigm of power available to us that doesn’t rely on money or hustling your way into the 1%. It’s a power that lies with the 99% when they can access it.

For this paradigm to succeed and thrive, there must be basic resource sharing and community infrastructure so no one is left without a home, starving or suffering unnecessarily. Basic needs must be met, and communities or governments work to meet these needs. If your government doesn’t support the meeting of these needs, organising smaller communities of resource sharing and support is an option. Humans have been figuring out how to do this since the dawn of humanity, how to support each other and meet our basic needs together. Ownership, hording and power distortions have always lead to the kind of suffering and soul-wounding we see commonly in our day and age.

Being part of this relational power field requires radical honesty and commitment to integrity. The kind of people who will be your biggest allies will see through manipulative power games and not want a bar of it. The kind of lovers who will empower you to become your most liberated, self-expressed and blissful self will not play these games with you (unless they’re in a well executed kink scene).

They’ll see the grasping for validation, the seeking for external fulfillment and walk away (or at least step back)

And this is why the people preaching that ‘all relationships are like this’ have never experienced for themselves the other options, or perhaps just not noticed why some people act differently.

Making the inner shift

We need to be radically honest with ourselves about how we’re showing up in our relationships, when we’re fawning to power and when we’re being honest.

Do you seek friendships or loverships with people who have what you want, so that you can get what you want?

Do you distort yourself around people who hold what you perceive as power so you’ll stay in their favour and keep access to their power?

Are you willing to loose access to wealth, status, influence and opportunities to be in integrity with yourself?

And if not — why? What inner resources must you cultivate to be happy without the access to power?

How can you start to prioritise truth, authenticity and shared power in your life so you’re not getting hooked into the games?

This is such a huge topic, this is barely scratching the surface on what we can explore.

What does it bring up for you???

This month in the Deep Eros Membership, I’ve offered a 30+ min talk on the subject of Relational Power. You’ll get a deep-dive hour-long ritual to feel into the web of relationality, power from earth, eros, love and consciousness. An ancestral Mandala meditation to stay anchored in the relational power field. And a shadow work practice for working with power and powerlessness.

Your first month is only €19

PS. My book is officially released on December 9th. In the last post of mine, I shared the prologue ‘The Sensualist View’. You can pre-order it now on Amazon or through my website.

I have a companion course with recordings of the 40+ practices found in the book, if you buy the course now I’ll send you the e-book for free! Check out more here

This is the Prologue for my book, which just became available for pre-order, and it officially goes live on December 9th.

The prologue is called ‘The Sensualist View’ because it is the Darshan (“The View” / sacred seeing / being in presence of the divine) for the book. In Tantra, it is vital that we have the philosophical overview to go along with our practice. Just learning techniques for pleasure and transformation alone is not enough, there must be an aligned perspective and higher philosophy to align ‘the work’ to.

If you’re newer to nondual/yogic philosophy, perhaps you feel a resonance, but it feels a little foreign right now. Perhaps there are terms you don’t yet understand or perspectives that evoke curiosity but don’t quite land yet — that is what the rest of the 470+ page book explains and goes deeper into. For now, I invite you to read it with a sense of curiosity and openness, to feel into the current I’m pointing to, the potential of what this path and body of work can offer you.

What if lovemaking wasn’t just for the bedroom, but a moment-by-moment experience with your relationship to life and the divine?

What if life was making love to itself through you right now, as consciousness dances with matter in every breath?

What if the divine wasn’t like a distant parent, but an intimate lover who manifested you as an expression of itself, as a way to know itself – and your pure enjoyment and expressed passion was all it truly wanted from you?

Those sweet moments of pure electricity when a lover’s touch grazes across your skin, leaving you shivering and aching.

That pulsating aliveness when you’re lost in a sea of dancers, penetrated by the rhythm and united in your ecstasy.

The surrender as erotic touch brings you over the edge, and the whole world – even your body – dissolves into waves of vibrating pleasure and bliss.

The way that the aroma of a delicious flower penetrates you so fully that you could fall to your knees in enjoyment as your whole body and consciousness merge with the scent...

For too long, spiritual and religious traditions have labelled these moments as distractions, sinful, illusions. And perhaps they are illusionary like magic tricks – but this magic is drawing you into a gateway. This gateway can lead you from a state of separation and egoic delusion into unity with life itself. It’s the nectar of the Goddess, the sweet bliss of life — the felt experience of union.

And what if it was only a breath away at any moment?

What if just stretching out in your sheets in the morning, feeling the textures and sensations caressing your body, could fill you with such pleasure that you overflow with gratitude for this beautiful life before you’ve even gotten out of bed?

What if you discovered a whole universe within you – of tiny sensations, vibrations, and swirling vortexes of experience, dancing, morphing, and ever-changing in each moment?

What if only a few conscious breaths could crack you open and remind you that you’re a literal embodiment of divine love in an intimate love-affair with itself?

What if your sexual and intimate encounters became a playground of endless beauty, nourishment, and creative expression that kept you feeling passionate, engaged, and vital no matter how many years go by?

What if sex could be a portal – not just to better orgasms (though yes, those too) but to the dissolution of the boundary between self and other, matter and spirit, finite and infinite?

What if every sensation – pleasure and pain, expansion and contraction, bliss and grief – is the Divine tasting itself, knowing itself, delighting in the play of its own creativity?

This is what a deep sensual awakening can offer – and it’s available in each moment when we shift our paradigm and awaken to this reality.

Your body is not a machine to be controlled or a problem to be solved. It is a fractal hologram of the entire cosmos – infinite Consciousness contracting itself into this unique form, this specific constellation of sensation and awareness. Every breath a pulsation of Shakti, the creative power that animates all things. Every touch and sensation a form of intimacy with all that is.

You are not a skin-encapsulated ego trapped in matter. You are the universe experiencing itself from the unique perspective that can only come from you. You are the great mystery – choosing to know itself through the exquisite limitations of embodied existence. The warmth on your skin, the flutter in your belly, the ache in your chest: this is the divine, feeling what it’s like to be you, exploring it’s own self through your eyes and body-mind.

Like a lover studying every curve, every micro expression, and every moan – life is experiencing itself and making love to itself through you. The erotic tension of wanting and surrendering, the playful game of forgetting our divine essence and remembering again: all a great cosmic love affair. All the delicious drama on the universal stage of experience.

Through the gateway of our somatic reality, we can access the ground of being itself. When we bring our awareness toward our embodied experience, separation dissolves into the endless play of vibration and aliveness that is already around and through us. As we shift our awareness towards this field, life becomes more vibrant. We feel less isolated and more intimate with the world and others. We recognise – on an embodied level – the interconnected nature of all things. We experience nonduality not only as the spacious awareness but as the unified field of vibration.

We form an intimate and deep connection to the field of Shakti, and our senses become heightened and our intuition honed. We begin to feel not just the physical but also the subtle realms – the quality of love, sweetness, and beauty that surrounds us at all times, even through the pain and challenges life brings our way.

I sometimes like to think of the process of embodied awakening as moving from living in a binary, two-dimensional world to a vibrant fractal universe bathed in loving awareness. Things that once felt limited and confined become infinite and complex in ways that captivate us and bring us into a state of awe and wonder. From this place, we can become endlessly entertained and curiously captivated by each moment, no longer needing to seek more intense or complex external circumstances to feel alive and engaged.

We are in constant relationship with our body and the world around us. Is your relationship one of avoidance, mistrust, or separation? Or is it the devotional love affair of the century?

What if the path was not to pull away from these moments and detach from this relationship like an avoidant lover – but to become so deeply intimate with life that you come into erotic communion with each breath and touch?

This is the erotic mystic path, the path of the Sensualist.

A path that has weaved through generations of seekers, through countless lineages and cultures.

It’s a kinky love affair, one filled with thrills and pain and eternal change. It’s filled with the tension of limitation and sweet expansive moments of limitlessness. Instead of bypassing or shaming the human experience, we commit fully, devotionally, to immersing so deeply in our embodied experience that all sense of separation and isolation dissolve into the unified field of love and aliveness.

Letting go of the armour and control, softening into your place the web of life. Being willing to show up for love, as love, as a devotional spiritual practice.

We can find a kind of contentment and inner peace that doesn’t come from renouncing life but from a deep satisfaction in the simple pleasures of living and being in a body on this earth. Those who access this space often find themselves slowly weeding out the conditioned, compulsive need to achieve and accumulate in order to be happy. They realise that the more space and time they have to connect with life in the present moment, the more joy and bliss they experience.

Suddenly, chasing fame, status, and wild adventures becomes more of a distraction and hindrance than an ideal. A lot of egoic and trauma-based patterns begin to fall away, and a new kind of embodied freedom and bliss emerges. Suddenly, having space to just be and feel becomes most sacred.

Making love and becoming love as you crack open day by day. Being strong enough to become sensitive. Brave enough to be vulnerable. Passionate enough to find intimacy in the simplest moments of life. Pleasure becoming a sacramental offering. Your dance becoming a prayer. Your organic sounds a love song. Each beat of your heart a reminder of the love that you are. Each breath an invitation to the depths of who and what you are You offer your practice to the altar of love

Expressing your sensual artistry and infinite creative potential through each time you play, through every dance, each connection, each breath.

This is the path of the lover, the erotic mystic, the Goddess-worshipper and the Sensualist.

The path of Immersion, the path of Love.

Now let’s dive in and explore together.

Take a moment to feel what comes up after reading this. Feel into what your body and soul already remember, and any potential glimmer of what could be.

You can check out a little more about my book and how to order it here. You’ll see I have created a companion course with the recordings of all the embodiment practices that you can purchase to support your journey with the book.

This has been a HUGE project to create, and I’ve been doing it on a very small budget (Taking off a LOT of time from paid work to write and edit, as well as having a lot of health issues this year preventing me from doing much else!), so any support with sharing my book is hugely appreciated. The first month of sales is important for an author on the Amazon platform to get favoured by the algorithm. If you prefer to boycott Amazon (which I understand!) you can buy the e-book directly through me (I don’t do prints through me as I live in Thailand and managing all that postage and logistics is far too much, so I only do the print-on-demand option)