That’s the problem: Where do you start?

Being told by a boss to begin working is easy. Your work is outlined with a list of things that need to be done, deliverables to meet, and a timeline to complete it. You’re paid for your time or your output, but in the end, you’re paid, so it feels like the work that you’re doing is worth something because it quite literally is - it’s worth a monetary amount that you’re paid at some agreed-upon interval, and that feels good. 

Sort of. 

Kind of. 

I guess.

Starting new projects, self-projects, things with no deadlines or looming supervision is hard. It’s probably some mix of executive dysfunction, a lack of motivation, and some amount of impostor syndrome telling me that nobody cares what I do. If I’m not being paid to do it, why should I? If no one is asking for it explicitly, in so many words, would anyone care if I didn’t do it?

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Unemployed Without a Safety Net

On an uneven note, I was let go from my very comfortable job - my boss, who had encouraged me to relax and focus on myself, had enabled me to take on less freelance work for nearly a year until suddenly, she didn’t have any work for me. She told me, suddenly, out of the blue, that it would be easier for her if I just took on freelance clients until October when she’d “maybe” have some work for me.

This sudden furlough dropped me mid-September, with half a paycheck on the 15th (I’d lost out on half a check’s worth of work because of this), and that was it. The problem is that my Freelance platform has lost traction since I took this job in September. I dealt with some health issues in November-December, leading me to take a step back and focus on just a few clients. I couldn’t advertise my gigs anymore because Fiverr decided that my work (which had only ever gotten 5-star reviews) didn’t meet their quality standards due to some undisclosed metric. My prices were too high to gain proper organic traffic, and I’m dead in the water if I can't promote.

It didn’t help that I was feeling worse and less inspired than I’d ever been. I never wanted to do the only thing I’m passionate about less in my life than I did right there.

I had to continuously remind myself that I don't make money if I don’t write. This is my marketable skill, my only real skill. Thinking about writing for money actively raises my blood pressure because I never think I have anything valuable enough to charge for.

But I do.

Or, at least, I could.

If I don’t write, I won’t make any money. And maybe if I do write, I still won’t make any money - that’s also possible.

If I don’t try, I can only fail.

The “Overqualified” Curse

I did an interview recently, and when I sat in the room, I was immediately told that I was wildly overqualified, and they questioned why I’d want to work there, with my background being what it was.

Now, I don’t believe I’m overqualified for a receptionist job because I’ve never been a receptionist - but I’ve been everything but. Maybe I haven’t sat behind a front desk, taken appointments, or asked people to fill out paperwork - but I’ve been an executive assistant, a virtual assistant, and a personal assistant to CEOs and small start-ups looking for someone to be an extension of them. I’ve been a marketer, I’ve been a writer, I’ve been an editor, and I’ve been a social media manager. I’ve worked in jobs I’m underqualified for, risen to the occasion on tasks I wasn’t sure of and lied in interviews only to later surpass my expectations.

These interviewers were lovely: their vibe was good, their office felt comfortable, and they were very genuine when they asked me what I was passionate about. I’m passionate about writing, I told them, and that’s really it - I have a hundred different hobbies and crafts I’ve learned but don’t engage with, I enjoy video games on occasion, I love reading books, but there are so few constants and sure-fire things in my life, that writing is the only thing that came to mind.

She was curious about that, and the two asked about my writing experience, asking if I had a substack or to what end was I pursuing my passions?

Suddenly, I had nothing to say - I didn’t have this account yet. I didn’t have anything. I have a copy of Scrivener that I connect to my phone, and I write down ideas constantly, so I can go between laptop and mobile. I have a note on my phone that I write statements into, and another letter where my partner and I wrote down our shared idea for a better end-season to CW’s Supernatural, which will likely never see the light of day (but boy, howdy, it would be good). I have an AO3 where I write fanfiction about media that brings me joy, but when I’m not feeling creative, I struggle with that, too.

The rest of the interview went by great - we discussed my background and my work, they potentially discussed needing someone for social media, newsletters, etc. and asked if I’d send them my portfolio of past work (which I didn’t currently have, but had plenty of work to put INTO a portfolio). I spent 3 days building that portfolio—dreaming of working for this holistic massage and wellness center, helping them with social content, creating a content strategy, making their newsletters, and more. Maybe I’d reach out to other, similar small businesses and pitch my services, and I’d have the sort of business I’d really want to be doing — or, maybe they’d just want me for the receptionist job and at least I’d have some money coming in, right? I’m okay with that!

But they got back to me after about a week and a half and told me they’d go with someone else. I’d asked for a reasonable wage but told them I could be flexible, and while it was a bit higher than they wanted, they both echoed that they respected that and would discuss the terms and get back to me.

So, to be clear, I didn’t get the job.

I did make this, though. I think that’s a win.

Starting Things For Yourself

I want to add value here before I continue - because I have started multiple successful ventures, and I do have something to share in that regard, but the advice I have is only going to be helpful to some. You, like me, need to do the thing. When I started my Fiverr account, I didn’t have any portfolio or samples, but I looked at others in my space and simply went in with confidence, and I emulated what I saw worked.

Is this helpful advice? Maybe. It worked for me in 2021 and might work for someone else down the line. I really don't know. It sucks being told to just do it. I want you to refrain from imagining the boomer dad version saying it, and instead imagine a kinda-crunchy, bleach-blonde 28-year-old who's going back to work for Legally Distinct Coffee Shop for a third time in her life because her big grown-up job just didn't pan out the way she wanted it to. 

Doing things for yourself is more than self-care- I had to learn slowly, over time. Doing something for myself sometimes sucks because it’s sometimes remembering that my outward environment affects my mental environment, and I need to shower despite desperately not wanting to do that. It might mean writing a bunch of words I don’t care about to “deserve” to write things I do care about. It might not get high at 3 p.m. because I want to wait until 6 or 7, even though it would be so lovely to mentally clock out a bit early on a Friday, even just from myself.

Writing for money is exhausting because it’s not a self-motivated passion. It’s just capitalism. Trying to convince people that your scripts are worth the 0.04/word you charge is degrading because your work is worth so much more, but they can hire someone to do it with AI or pay someone 0.001/word overseas, and it’s just as good.’

But, if you’re constantly not taking that first step, then you aren’t going to take that first step. Your writing is worth more, but sometimes you need to accept less and build yourself up.  

Well.  

Okay. 

No.  

No, you don’t have to. I'm not your boss. I'm not your Mom/Dad/Parent. I can not tell you what you can or can't do or how to set your rates as a freelancer because I don't know your skill or ability. I can only tell you that I routinely take on jobs that aren’t 'worth' my time just to put a little into the tank and keep on going. I’m doing this despite being unable to ‘sell’ myself on its worth down the line and hoping I’ll prove myself wrong.

If I hadn’t made my Fiverr, I wouldn’t have been able to support myself between jobs back in 2022. If I hadn’t made my TikTok, I wouldn’t have met a dozen or so incredible people who inspire me every day. I wouldn't have made this if I hadn’t applied for a job I’m technically overqualified for. And if I didn’t make this, who knows what I’d miss out on. FOMO is often a negative thing, but I like to think of it a little differently. For me, it’s the fear of missing out on potential because that potential always exists. 

Substack & Pursuing Passions For Myself

I would love to say that a better opportunity in my field and comfort zone was waiting for me around the corner. I was able to secure something else immediately after the crushing blow that wasn’t all that bad, to begin with. 

If I said that, though, I’d be lying. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t horribly disappointed I didn’t get the job I was “overqualified” for. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been an awful set of weeks, filled with constant setbacks and disappointments, that led me to accept a job that feels distinctly like a step back, even if the pay is technically what I was asking at that interview. 

I will make coffee again; I’m okay with it because it will pay the bills. Am I passionate about it? No, I never was, to begin with. Was I good at it? Actually, yes, I was great at it. It scratched my brain just right. Still, the 26-year-old version of me is tired of it, the 25-year-old version of me has no patience for shitty customers, the 24-year-old version of me is disappointed, and the 23-year-old version is just happy I moved out of Florida. (It's terribly lonely. We're kind of struggling, but those New England Vibes.. right? Right?)

I haven’t pursued my passions since 2019; I’ve been writing time travel fanfiction, commissioning original art for my original fiction, trying new crafts, and amassing a book collection. However, my passions have primarily fallen by the wayside. 

Despite making more hourly between September 2022 and August 2023, in a job I mostly enjoyed, going in the direction I wanted to, I never once felt like I could take a breath and enjoy things I enjoy. When I play Sims for a few hours, my partner will come in the room and tell me how much he loves seeing me play things rather than scrolling through TikTok, Pinterest, or Tumblr for sixteen hours a day.

And maybe I’m depressed. Maybe this lack I’ve been feeling is depression, plain and simple, and it’s not as easy as just deciding to be better - not that I really think it could be that simple, but there’s the wishful thinking. I got a job, and so did my partner (after nearly a year of unemployment - he’d been trying, and I’d been comfortable enough to support us both while he searched for something remote and fulfilling).

But I still have this.

I’ve sat on it for weeks since that interview. Because what am I supposed to do with this? Am I supposed to write words to no one, and hope someone cares?

Anyways. 

Fiction. I want to write more fiction.

I desperately want to write fiction. I want to craft worlds, explain magics, and create characters that make people care. I want to write things I want to read, but since no one else will do it, I’ll have to.

If you subscribe, which I hope you do, I don’t know what this will look like. Ideally, I’ll be able to publish serial fiction and use it as a creative outlet. Maybe eventually, I’ll write something I feel is worth paying for. Maybe I’ll write craft emails, explain how I got into YouTube scriptwriting, and help you understand how to create engaging content. I really don’t know. I want to write fiction, but I do have thoughts and ideas on other things. I’m a video essay writer who doesn’t like speaking, a scriptwriter who can’t edit videos, and a fiction writer with too many stories to count.

Maybe I’ll do multiple substacks, or perhaps I’ll just stick to this one, and include fiction as well (that’s pretty unlikely, but I’ll let you know). Either way, I’ll do this, at the very least, every week. Maybe I’ll do it multiple times weekly if I feel pent-up and frisky. I need to make a conscious effort to write, because I have an unconscious aversion to failing. I don't know what the final form of this will look like; I expect it to get better with time, but my motivation is fickle, and it might take some work, and I hate doing that. 

This one, though, I’ll probably write weekly in. Updates, musings, mostly this is a blog. I’ll talk about other projects, which I’ll update on other schedules, and I’ll probably adjust this a bit as I go.

I just needed to get this first one done, and that’s what this is. I’m sure eventually it’ll be better.

Maybe?

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