I haven’t been on here in ages and I’ve blamed it on not having a proper screen other than an iPhone to write with while traveling… but the loss of the only person I felt truly safe with and fully trusted here in NZ has led me back here. He has disappeared and so here I am.

These texts are for you (the first few sent in blue left on read, and the longer one is the one that sent in green on July 7th… now I’ve been writing to you in my notes app).

June 29:

Hey Jaydin. I value our friendship and care a lot about you. Did something happen that I am unaware of? This is eating me up. I don’t understand what happened or what I may have done wrong. Can we please talk?

I recorded this when I was still in Nelson. I was stoked to tell you I made it North

video attached

July 1:

I need my festie bestie 💔 Where did my friend go? 😣

Jaydin I haven’t been sleeping. Can I know what’s going on? If you needed space or something I wish we could talk and you could explain?

July 4:

Jaydin. You’re the only person I fully trust here in NZ… please say something

July 7, close to 1am:

This must be blocked too so I’ll pretend I’m still talking to you because I don’t know how to cope with this. I miss you. I’m sorry if I was too much and I think that’s why you’ve stopped talking. I thought you said I wouldn’t ever be too much… and maybe it’s not me. Maybe something is happening in your life I’m unaware of. But that hurts, too. I would only want to support you and be a friend you can talk to.

Little life update I guess.. I’m middle of the north island. Only had one day of work, three days training. Pretty intense. I might get blown off a tall icy tower by extreme winds… (lol?). I hope things are going well for you. I don’t think I will ever understand why it had to be so extreme… this cut off from social media and silence. Even something like “hey this is happening and I need a bit of space“ or “I need space can we talk in a little bit?” … I can’t read GONE anymore. I tossed it out so I need a new book reco. I have made friends in Nelson but nothing compared to how comfortable I felt talking to you and sharing things with you. I’m rambling. Maybe I’ll let you know how things wrap up end of the week… I feel like I’m talking to a ghost…

July 7:

This morning I grabbed a tee to wear over my thermal layer and it was my R&A one.. I put it on without thinking and had to take it off. I’ve never had someone suddenly cut me out of their life like this- so any reminder of you is too painful. And it’s too risky at work.

I worked with someone new to get trained as a lead on a lift. He jokingly put on a couple sad songs rather than the usual upbeat music for sightseeing… but internally I knew could’ve cried any second.

It feels like you died. I was already grieving the loss of my family. And in New Zealand you have felt like my safe place… a little bit like home when I don’t even know where home is. And then suddenly you’re gone. And then I found out my cousin has been on life support and nearly died over the last week in hospital. It’s all too much.

I hope one day I will understand why you chose to do this. I hate that I have to accept right now that you’re not wanting me in your life. That maybe I’m such a horrible human being… so horrible it causes someone to block me completely and suddenly from their life without any explanation. When just days prior that same person told me they’d always be by my side and we were “festy besties”. Will you ever reply? Will I ever get the chance to talk to you or see you again? Was it really goodbye? Am I the only one in pain right now? What did I do?

July 9:

I feel like I’m grieving the loss of you and now I might be losing the cousin I was closest to. And I don’t get to be there to say goodbye to him and today is his birthday. And I never got to say goodbye to you and I don’t even know why we have to say goodbye. I don’t know why you’re doing this or why this has to happen.

Yesterday morning I was standing in the kids learning area of the ski hill and I started crying thinking about it all. About never seeing or speaking to you again. About my cousin dying. And I wiped my tears and smiled and braved a face when people started arriving.

I also originally had weekends off when I first started my training and thought “I wish I could tell Jaydin this because that would mean I could come visit or he could come visit”… because it’s rare to get weekends off and I got lucky. But it doesn’t matter now.

We have one life, Jaydin. We shouldn’t leave people feeling this way… I didn’t think you’d ever do this. I won’t ever understand why.

July 10:

Cold/flu is going around and I’m really sick. And I don’t get along with the French couple who live here and I have no friends in this small town. I wish I could talk to you :(

I feel scared and alone.

July 12:

I don’t know if you’ll ever open the link I sent where these “texts” to you will be. But I feel so lost right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

Remember that heavy thing I kept delaying telling you about? I wanna tell you about it because it’s weighing me down again. But at the same time, maybe it’s best I didn’t. If you already let me go without the knowing what’s so heavy back home, how could you have kept me as a friend if I told you? I would’ve been gone a lot sooner I think…

Am I making sense? I’m still really sick and I need a hug…

*later on*:

I’m sitting on a cold couch in my new place and I picked up my yarn and crochet hook for the first time since arriving here. I wanted to do something other than lay in bed while sick. And I’ve been binge watching a tv show so figured it was a good switch up. The yarn I have is green and I’m still a beginner… the only decent thing I know how to make is a leaf garland. Of course you popped in my head. You had a crocheted leaf as your bookmark… and here I am making crochet leaves. I tried making one and fumbled and cut it off. And now I’m holding back tears. Please come back into my life 💔🌿 I can’t explain why your absence is impacting me this much but it is. I know I was meant to meet you when you pitched your tent next to mine.

I’ll leave it at that for today I think… I hope you’re doing well x

July 14

Hi. Thinking about you. I am currently in a bathroom stall trying to keep it together. You pop into my head at random times… I had to leave to go be alone. I guess writing here, to you, is my way of coping with this loss. And I know you will likely never read any of these and at one point I will stop… but for now it brings me a little bit of comfort because it feels somewhat like I’m texting you. I just wish I’d have a text back. Any sort of response.

I don’t want to be here anymore… in New Zealand. I was stoked to come north and see you. But I really have no motivation to continue here. There is no one I know north but you. I don’t know what to do.

July 16

Jaydin I really need my friend right now. My roommates scare me — mainly the guy. He’s yelled at me and been hostile towards me and the owners won’t kick them out even though I’ve expressed I don’t feel safe around him. So I come “home” and have nobody… I go to work and have nobody…

Why did you go? I need you. I wish I could just hear you say “it will be okay” or “let’s plan a time to meet up” …anything. I’m screaming at the universe wondering why this is happening. Why did I lose you, too?

And here come the tears.

My heart hurts, in more ways than one, actually.

The loss of you.

And I’ve been really ill for a couple weeks so the last three days my heart hurts when I breathe. I’m trying not to overthink that it’s something serious. But if I died I’d be okay with it. I told you I made peace with the idea of dying. I think that’s a human thing… to finally accept it. Because a lot of what we don’t do is due to fear. I don’t fear dying. I think I used to... I think I’ll always fear losing people I care about, after you.

I’ll get back home to Canada and be too nervous to get too close to anyone in case I’m suddenly cut from their life like I meant nothing. I can’t tell you how badly this hurts. I’m aching everywhere.

(I will likely keep adding to this particular post for a while… or maybe I’ll start a new one soon)

Always,

Naia xx

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.”

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Hey Buddy/Shooby-Doo,

Did you know it was your cute as heck photo of you in a bowtie on the adoption website that lead us to adopting you and Blue? I wanted an age closer to a kitten but when I saw your little confident, closed-eyed face of pride, I knew it was you. Your photo said “I am a gentleman”. And you have been. But also fierce and funny. It stat…

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I open the stained glass doors of my heart recently.
Doors built of all the pieces of people I’ve ever loved. It’s a sacred place.
It’s warm in here and full of joy, but also deep sadness.
But most of all, it’s flooded with love. And there is light.

I invite you in.
You enjoy that light, the beauty, the love. You enjoy the comfort.
Seeing your smil…

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“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I never related to that quote until recently. Until March 8th happened (find this in my post titled upside down). Until I met someone this past weekend and instinctively said to myself: “well I don’t even deserve love so maybe this is what is meant for me.”

And then I had another date directly after that one and …

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When your life truly and completely falls apart (as I talked about it my last post), it almost feels as if this isn’t your life you’re living. I don’t mean the “my boyfriend broke up with me and a lost my job” falling apart or “I got diagnosed with social anxiety” falling apart or “my dog died and he/she was my best friend” falling apart or “I have no f…

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There’ve been so many instances over the last 10+ years where I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I still always thinking of the two men I’ve fallen in love with in my life (who are both now exes)?

Over the course of those years I’ve battled with the idea that I’m simply not over them. But how could that be? My first love and I broke up over t…

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I met my younger self for coffee at 1:15pm.
she’s not a morning person and neither am I.
she was almost 15 minutes late.
I was anxiously right on time.

she apologized and blamed it on her hangover.
and I told her it was okay, I like arriving first.

she wore black leggings, her hair was straightened. she wanted to be popular.
I wore baggy jeans, my hair fell …

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oceans look strong
and beautiful
and sad
at the same time
it looks like
everything
you will ever see
and feel

i was alone
watching…
and dancing

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⋇⊶ If y…

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I wrote the same thing in his birthday card every time: growing older is a privilege denied to many. I reminded him to celebra…

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April 11, 2017

I was once chatting with someone on Instagram; a stranger, but definitely someone with a similar soul. Not knowing anything about each other, he dove into asking me really in-depth questions. We also both share a few of the same interests: yoga, writing and exploring. I was sure we were star-crossed lovers. I also came to discover he’s a G…

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So it’s a new year… same me. Still feeling heavy in my heart but feeling a little hopeful. I do love the whole idea of “starting over” or “trying again” that encompasses this time of year. I do think we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves during this fresh start. It’s ok if you’re still not working out. It’s ok if you’re still unsure of what goal…

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i’ve dealt with so much lately
and of course i find comfort
in a swig from a wine bottle
as i crouch down by the docks
teary-eyed and feeling sorry for myself
as i vow to take it easy this time
to send my mind to the present…
it seems i am a mix of chaotic mess
and a rouge-coloured flower
on the verge of blooming

i’m greeted by a crab every time
i stumble to these…

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the first time you pinned me down
felt so uncomfortable but
I let it happen because
I didn’t want to feel undesirable
you stuffed me
with my face smothered in sheets
just enough so I could still
moan in pain
you filled me with
agony and uncertainty
yet constantly reassured me
but when you gagged me and
I shook my head
you did it anyway
and this time I couldn’t make
…

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dark and cold but hearts are warm
time to prance around, cause a storm
perhaps I’ll even knead your chin
get up human, the day shall begin

meow meow meow please feed me now
tummy is grumbling I’m ready to chow
oh, you think you heard something fall
get up human, you make the call

530am you’re an hour late waking up
not the couch please, fill up the food cup
the m…

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and i tried to explain how a heart works
how a love so deep and unexplainable
can exist at the same time with two
completely different people
because it’s as if i’ve loved and known
them both in a previous life
you can’t love two people at once
he said to me
and i shook my head and i knew i was
one of the…

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