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Howard Jacobson

Howard Jacobson: So how many of my teachers should have been put on a sex offenders list? Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 14 January 2006

We understood that if you wanted to be with us, there had to be something a bit wrong with you

Howard Jacobson: The minute there's mention of a think-tank, I fear attack upon the quiet in which I live Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 07 January 2006

Sometimes the mental weaponry is aimed at someone else, but that doesn't make me feel any better

Howard Jacobson: It's no fun being a man, having to master the intricate rules of the kissing season Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 31 December 2005

It is easy to mistake the faint inclination of the face, the merest tic or twitch or gesture for an invitation to a kiss

Howard Jacobson: A dance to the music of our times - that's Saturday night entertainment for you Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 24 December 2005

Sexually speaking, you could say that 'The X Factor' is more honest than 'Strictly Come Dancing'

Howard Jacobson: Did Aussies hate me because I was a Pom, a poofter, or because of my views on Brontë? Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 17 December 2005

Ah, Sydney - the sun on my back, the sound of ribs cracking, and someone calling me a dickhead

Howard Jacobson: Art has grown ashamed of making art just as the Tories are ashamed of being Tory Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 10 December 2005

Beauty is the last thing any Turner Prize winner wishes to be accused of

Howard Jacobson: Protect us from those self-made Johnnies who could buy us with their loose change Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 03 December 2005

The minute I meet a businessman who has made money, I turn into a 1970s Marxist

Howard Jacobson: The dilemma of the modern man: to go out in a blaze or just fizzle away quietly Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 26 November 2005

Much struck by the sadness of my sex this week. Poor George Best's hollowed grey cheeks the abiding image, an old man before his time, the eyes bearing more disappointment than one could bear to look at, not angry, not surprised even, just apologetic in their forlornness. Saying sorry to whom? Us? His family? The gods who showered him with gifts? Himself? How to be, how not to be, a man. Haven't seen it yet, but the film The Libertine depicts an even briefer life of what Dr Johnson called "drunken gaiety and gross sensuality". The libertine in question being John Wilmot, second Earl of Rochester, who died at 33, having, again in Johnson's words, "blazed out his youth and health in lavish voluptuousness".

Howard Jacobson: If you want new citizens to learn about Englishness, get them to join a choir Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 19 November 2005

Failing which, turn up to a minimum of one performance of Handel's 'Messiah' every Christmas

Howard Jacobson: Only a depressed Russian would get a kick out of a journey on a Virgin train Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 12 November 2005

Of sandwiches there is ham and lettuce in dead bread or ham and lettuce in a dying bun

Howard Jacobson: If you haven't got the stomach for messy, dirty Dickens, then leave him alone Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 05 November 2005

Ironic, that we who scorn Victorian bowdlerisation of Shakespeare routinely boil Dickens down

Howard Jacobson: Elephants are far too precious to suffer the indignity of being dressed in a rah-rah skirt Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 29 October 2005

It was sacrilege for Disney to make familiar what is beyond our comprehension

Howard Jacobson: What are libraries for? Tramps, filth and erudition - not soul-destroying detritus Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 22 October 2005

Books can make you wise or send you mad. Popular entertainment leads only to terminal triviality

Howard Jacobson: If it's not feel-good and involving wizards, then it must be melancholy and difficult Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 15 October 2005

You cannot call yourself a reader of novels if you do not sometimes read to wish you were dead

Howard Jacobson: Look through a glass darkly to understand how Jane Austen can work on screen Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 08 October 2005

No one in Regency England could possibly have owned choppers as perfect as Keira Knightley's

Howard Jacobson: How many roads must a man walk down before he develops a sense of humour? Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 01 October 2005

Hard to decide who was the most unforthcoming last week, Gordon Brown in the matter of his personal ambitions or Bob Dylan in the matter of everything. But at least you felt that Brown was sitting on a volcano of thought, whereas Dylan appeared to be sitting on a cloud called vacancy.

Howard Jacobson: Real supermodels can't live up to my fantasy of Alida Valli in a belted raincoat in Vienna Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 24 September 2005

If Kate Moss were to brush up against me in the Tube I'd give her a fiver and tell her to eat a square meal

Howard Jacobson: Muslims who reject Holocaust Day deny not only Jewish history, but their own Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 17 September 2005

It no more knocks out other memorials than VE Day denies other countries their victories

Howard Jacobson: This isn't cricket, it's a contest between two different breeds of men. And we never win Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 10 September 2005

We are, for Australians, the inbred masters who shipped away whoever stole a loaf of bread

Howard Jacobson: The dark, remorseless destiny that binds two tragedies on opposite sides of the world Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 03 September 2005

The two sites - new Orleans and the Shia temple - represent the extreme opposite of our natures

Howard Jacobson: How the death of a Brazilian became a cause - and a cause became a campaign Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 27 August 2005

These ghouls aren't just feeding on Menezes' body; they are dining out on the family's grief as well

Howard Jacobson: Designer babies could put us on a slippery slope to producing more Victoria Beckhams Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 20 August 2005

Wouldn't it be nice if she could have a child genetically equipped to recognise a book?

Howard Jacobson: When you've got a red-top heart, the concept of human rights means absolutely nothing Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 13 August 2005

You want to smash the television. It makes you violent, thinking in the language of the popular press

Howard Jacobson: Why our Mayor should stop fanning the flames of division and try to put them out Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 30 July 2005

To use the London bombings to reiterate his version of Middle Eastern affairs is opportunism

Howard Jacobson: If you raise a hand against your own country, you also raise a hand against yourself Independent Porfolio Content

Published: 23 July 2005

You can be loyal to a country even if it doesn't give you all you want or be as kind as you would wish it to be
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