Simon Carr
The Sketch: They're not lying, just telling the opposite of the truth
Published: 14 December 2005
"Unless we all start to believe in conspiracy theories; that I'm lying, that officials are lying, that Condoleezza Rice is lying..." Our Foreign Secretary smiled urbanely at the committee (it smiled back, I fear).
The Sketch: Correct the typos? Pity we can't amend the legislation
Published: 13 December 2005
An amendment order was made to the Serious Organised Crime and Police Act, yesterday, to correct its typographical errors. The cost may have its own line entry in the Budget. Three or four civil servants, a minister, eight government backbenchers, two opposition members, a chairman, a policeman, a doorkeeper, Hansard, and Her Majesty's Sketch all convened in Committee Room 12.
The Sketch: Two big jobs for Osborne. The trouble is, both are beyond him
Published: 09 December 2005
Continuing the end of "Punch and Judy politics," Dennis Skinner called George Osborne a cocaine user and was made to leave the chamber. Geoff Hoon declared, "clearly, whingeing is the position of the front bench opposite." Ivan Lewis yelled: "That shows why that party doesn't deserve ever to be in government!" Richard Spring demanded a minister "apologise for our national humiliation." Peter Tapsell accused the Chancellor of "punk-Keynsianism". And someone accused someone else of providing "an early example of hypocrisy and double standards". Punch said, "he should be admitting he was wrong", and Judy replied, "I thought he'd be congratulating us instead of criticising"
The Sketch: The Liz Hurley of politics is a'stunna' in the House
Published: 08 December 2005
So, back to Liz Hurley's breasts. As we noted yesterday: hers is the first cleavage in Britain (a matter of presentation), and the organs themselves are the perfect mix of texture, contour and subcutaneous fat (that is, substance).
The Sketch: A very good fellow. Clever. Tough. Well-born. He's just like Liz Hurley in fact
Published: 07 December 2005
Not since the young Arthur. Not since Byron. Not since JFK. Not since Liz Hurley turned up in her little black dress at a film premiere has anyone enjoyed such spontaneous fame.
The Sketch: There is little use arguing with Mr Brown. It just doesn't work
Published: 06 December 2005
"The Chancellor who single-handedly destroyed the public finances! The lowest investment since records began! The devastation of personal savings! Old people getting food parcels! I had to step over a girl selling matchsticks outside Parliament and she'd frozen to the pavement while her mother offered every sort of degraded, Third World personal service at ridiculously inflated prices because the Chancellor has ruined everything!"
Simon Carr: The Kitchen Capitalist
Published: 05 December 2005
The Sketch: Why are we here? MPs come to terms with their meaningless lives
Published: 02 December 2005
What's the point of being a Member of Parliament? What's the point of the House of Commons? Why are proceedings treated with such contempt, such hostility, such (at best) indifference? These satirical questions have been raised in all sincerity by MPs themselves. Edward Leigh asked the first at the Liaison Committee a few days ago. He was complaining that MPs couldn't get any greater access to government papers than journalists (rather less access, in fact).
The Sketch: Hungry Alien will eat the Cameroons alive
Published: 01 December 2005
I must warn David Cameron. But I may already be too late (it takes several surgical operations to get an idea into the Conservative Party these days).
The Sketch: Save the children? Let's stop 16-year-olds from voting
Published: 30 November 2005
It's wonderfully flexible, the ten-minute rule that governs the Ten Minute Rule Bill. Yesterday's Bill went for 37 minutes before being extinguished. The proposer tried to persuade us that 16-year-olds were informed, intelligent, mature and interested enough to vote. He must know some very odd 16-year-olds. I prefer Friedrich Hayek's suggestion: citizens should be allowed just one vote in their life, when they are 50.
The Sketch: How I learnt to stop worrying and love the Government's retirement plans
Published: 29 November 2005
Every month in recent times, Work and Pensions questions asks the most important question there is. Am I dying? That's the question I end up with.
Simon Carr: The Kitchen Capitalist
Published: 28 November 2005
The Sketch: Points for correct behaviour on your ID card?
Published: 25 November 2005
Those who fear their faith in government is vulnerable should look away now. If you believe in government accountability and transparency please take a walk to the bottom of your garden (don't get mugged by the fairies).
The Sketch: Why Blair will miss Michael Howard (unless Davis wins)
Published: 24 November 2005
Next week is Michael Howard's last Prime Minister's Question Time. Elegies all round. Ave atque vale. "Eheu fugaces postume, postume."
The Sketch: The hero with a thousand faces: our very own Prime Minister
Published: 23 November 2005
You can't get anything interesting out of the Liaison Committee's morning with the Prime Minister. The format's wrong, the ground's too big, he's far too good at answering questions.
The Sketch: To deem or not to deem? Only the Government has the answer
Published: 22 November 2005
Gather round, semantic fans. Or fans of semantics as we semanticists prefer to say. Let us begin with "deemed". Try this out as a principle. Whenever politicians use the word "deemed" they're up to mischief. When South Africa's apartheid laws worked against the interests of the state, particular black people could be "deemed" to be white.
Simon Carr: The Kitchen Capitalist
Published: 21 November 2005
The Sketch: The difficulties of herding politicians
Published: 18 November 2005
There was a very sparse Labour attendance at Defra questions. So sparse, as it turned out, that the Speaker had to adjourn the sitting. They hadn't run out of questions, but of questioners.
The Sketch: It's not too late for the right question
Published: 17 November 2005
One of the Conservative Party's distinguished leaders was in the Oxford Union the other day slagging off PMQs. "Useless, pointless, stupid," was his description.
The Sketch: So many devils in the ID cards detail, the Lords will need a five-day exorcism
Published: 16 November 2005
For ID cards, they say, the devil is in the detail, but they don't tell us which devil. I think it's Legion (for they are many).
The Sketch: John Reid's doctorate in delusion
Published: 15 November 2005
The homely advice of the Duke of Wellington before one of the Afghan wars was recalled by Sir Peter Tapsell: it's easy to get into Kabul but it's much more difficult to get out. It's one of those military aphorisms like "Don't march on Moscow" and "Keep your back to the taps in the Household Cavalry showers."
Simon Carr: The Kitchen Capitalist
Published: 14 November 2005
The Sketch: Tories' toxic touch sounds the death knell for Blair
Published: 11 November 2005
A sort of torpor hung over Westminster yesterday, following the furious activity of the day before. A few drained MPs loitered on the benches in post-coital attitudes. It might have been the turn of the DTI or Defra for all the atmosphere in the place. As it happened, it was Treasury questions. Gordon missed it. Gordon was bringing peace to the Middle East.
The Sketch: He tried all his tricks to persuade them to back him. But still he lost
Published: 10 November 2005
He reacted with a brave, slightly rueful smile. It's what public schoolboys of his generation do in moments of great defeat. It's the nicest thing about them.
The Sketch: Blasphemy in the eye of the beholder, yes; but insults should be eternal
Published: 09 November 2005
Hatred in the Lords. The Religious Hatred Bill as amended by Lords Lester and Hunt came back for Report. The government is offering nothing for now, but hinting at emollient amendments at Third Reading. Lady Scotland told us nothing was set in stone. Leaving aside the Mosaic Code she may be right.
