Does mother always know best when it comes to life choices?

Parents need to tread a fine line between allowing their children to make their own decisions and stepping in with advice if it all goes wrong, writes Margaret Coffey

Published: 13 August 2006

We were sitting at the dinner table with Ella, our 18-year old daughter and her best friend Sally. It was the night before A-level results day last year. "Well, I'm not going to Sussex," Ella announced.

Her father and I looked at one another. Sussex was Ella's safety school. It was also Sally's. It was first choice for many of her friends. And as far as we knew (or thought we knew), it was somewhere she was quite enthusiastic about spending three years studying maths.

"Why?" I asked, after counting to 10 and sending a silent prayer to any gods who might provide the parents of A-level students with patience.

"I don't want to go there anymore," she added.

Another exchange of parental glances. Last year there was an added pressure. If you accepted a place or deferred it until this year you were charged at the old tuition rates - so deciding to start again from the beginning had relatively large financial implications.

Parents don't have that particular problem this year but, unless you're one of the lucky few whose brilliant offspring need three Ds to get into the university of their choice, A-level day is likely to be just as fraught for you as it was for us.

As parents we've got to walk a fine line between allowing our children to make their own decisions and stepping in with useful back-up when it all goes wrong. This is not easy. But there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself.

Hope for the best

Unless you are absolutely sure they have no chance of getting the grades they need, be positive. This is not the time to sound like the voice of doom.

Weigh up the odds

You don't have to be totally in the dark about what's happening. Nowadays you can often get a reasonable idea of how likely they are to get the grades they need. Results are cumulative. Each counts for a percentage of the final A-level grade so it's possible to work out what sort of chance they've got.

It's all about personalities, of course, but the further both my daughters got from the exams, the more convinced they were that they had utterly failed. Among girls, at least, this seems to be post-exam etiquette, so it's good to try to leaven the general hysteria with a few facts.

Of course doing this sort of calculation is more difficult, if not impossible, if they take the time-honoured route of doing no work at AS level and take multiple re-sits. Otherwise it's worth doing your sums - it can be comforting for you if not for them.

Prepare for the worst

What if you fear they won't get the grades they need for either their first or second choice? It can be difficult to get them to talk about anything after exams are over, let alone life after results. Ella effectively blocked any discussion about her future by being asleep or out when we could feasibly have had a little chat. Her maxim for the summer was: "we'll talk about it later". But it's still a good idea to gauge their reaction to a few key questions:

Are they willing to go through the Clearing process or would they prefer to take a year out and reapply?

If they're already planning to have a gap year, are they willing to use part of it for re-sits?

Find out about Clearing

Forewarned is forearmed. No matter how disinterested they profess to be, it's not a bad idea to go on to the Universities and Colleges Admission System (UCAS) website (www.ucas.ac.uk) and get an idea of how to go through Clearing. This is how universities release places on unfilled courses back into the system. You can take a little look to see if a course similar to the one your darling has opted for is available in a location they (and you) can live with. Maybe you'll even be able to get them to look.

Plan your strategy

Keep August 17 relatively free. One way or another you will be needed. It might be to crack open a bottle of champagne; it might be to help them with their script before they get on the phone to a university to bargain over grades.

Decide where you will be on the day. Ella didn't want us anywhere near her (maybe it was something we said?). But we were on strict orders to be at the end of a telephone. I also had to be near a computer. Just don't plan a trip to a remote hilltop out of reach of all mobile phone networks for at least 48 hours after results are delivered.

Discover what the sixth form offers

Many sixth forms are geared up to help their students cope with less than optimum results. Try to find out what yours offers so you know whether to tell you child to stay put and get help if the news is not good.

Get some useful phone numbers ready

If your offspring shows no signs of planning ahead, do a bit of the legwork for them. Get the numbers for the departments they are applying to so you can offer them if needed. Don't make the phone call yourself, though. There's a reason that all those UCAS letters were addressed to your son or daughter - it's all about them.

Do some research

Getting a place is not as cut and dried as it may appear. Try to find out if your child has gone for a popular course. Like fashion, this changes from year to year. It's all about demand. If few people are interested in the subject your son or daughter has chosen, the university may accept them with lower grades than they originally asked for.

Get a sneak preview

From midnight of results day you can find out from the UCAS website whether either university has offered your child a place. You'll have to get their permission and their UCAS password to do it, but it's worth the effort. If you look while they're off getting their results you'll be in a position to tell them whether they've got their place, even if they haven't got their grades. Students with strong dispositions may be happy to go on the web themselves. I haven't met any yet, but you can suggest it.

If things don't go to plan

Don't say: "It's not so bad". Even if it isn't. Two As and a B may be very good in the cosmic scheme of things, but not if three As are all that will get your child into the university they've set their heart on.

Don't forget accommodation

If they do go through Clearing don't breathe a huge sigh of relief until you've at least begun to address the question of where they're going to live. Getting a place at uni doesn't automatically equal a room of their own. So as soon as you've got the place sewn up, get on to the university housing office.

Remember it's their life

In the end you've got to remember what UCAS is trying to get across when it sends everything to them: they're not your babies any more. No matter how difficult it is to believe, they are adults. You've got to leave the final decision up to them. If they don't want to get exams remarked, they don't. If they don't want to re-sit, there's little point in trying to make them. If they want your help, give it. If not, leave them to it.

And that it's not the end of the world

It may be hard to put A-levels in perspective when your treasure can think of little else. But, less than fabulous results do not mean they are set irrevocably on the path to a life of midnight shifts at the local corner shop.

Put champagne on ice

Chances are it will all be fine, so be ready to celebrate. Ella got what she needed and will be off to Leeds this September after her gap year. Most of her friends did the same and even those who spent results day chasing places at Clearing have had good first years.

Pats on the back

Ignore this year's crop of doomsayers who insist on saying that A-levels are getting easier. No one is in a better position than parents to know that A-levels are a hard slog. So now that they're over, enjoy the moment.

Dos and don'ts

Stay positive - no matter what the results are

Check out Clearing ahead of time

Arm yourself with useful phone numbers

Help when asked

Prepare to celebrate

Don't

Panic

Say "I told you so"

Go out of reach of a phone

Try to take over

Offer advice unless asked