Terence Blacker

Terence Blacker: Far too easy a target for jealous sneering

Published: 11 October 2006

In retrospect, it was rather unfortunate that the serialisation of David Blunkett's diaries, which are shortly to be published, coincided with National Mental Health Week. For those who look out for such things, almost every paragraph describing the former home secretary's fall from grace provides an insight into paranoia, feelings of insecurity, narcissism, self-pity or persecution complex. Already the critics - embittered resting politicians, axe-grinding Westminster insiders - will be donning their kicking boots. Private Eye will be dusting off its collection of Blunkett jokes.

Terence Blacker: It's just not funny (whoever makes the joke)

Published: 06 October 2006

Ricky Gervais knocks a dwarf unconscious with his knee! Cutting-edge comedy at its best

Terence Blacker: Condemned to churn in call-centre hell

Published: 04 October 2006

It was quiet - too quiet. The peace which had descended on my life over the past few weeks had been sepulchral. The telephone never rang. I was receiving fewer e-mails than usual. Even the internet was a problem; some months ago, I had started paying for broadband but it had proved impossible to activate.

Terence Blacker: The difficulty of saying goodbye

Published: 29 September 2006

The time has arrived surely for there to emerge a new specialism of caring terminators

Terence Blacker: The only real bloke in a line of androids

Published: 27 September 2006

For those of us for whom the merest dab of aftershave is the start of dangerous slide into effeminacy, there comes grim news from the other side of the world. In the land down under, where, according to popular song, women glow and men chunder, the bloke is on the way out. The Australian larrikin -wild, beery, the ultimate in unreconstructed maleness - is becoming a threatened species.

Terence Blacker: Looking for love? Pick up a book

Published: 22 September 2006

Men in the habit of behaving badly - irresponsible or adventurous, depending on your point of view - claim there are certain useful ways of attracting female attention. One is to wander the aisles of supermarket with the almost-empty trolley of a sad singleton (a chicken pie, a packet of frozen peas, some roll-your-own tobacco), occasionally asking where the extra virgin olive oil is to be found. Another is to sit alone in quiet contemplation in front of a picture at an art gallery.

Terence Blacker: Is the Rabbit really a girl's best friend?

Published: 20 September 2006

From Bugs Bunny to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, from The Curse of the Were-Rabbit to Watership Down, our little bob-tailed friends have always been something of a favourite among film-makers. But those expecting more bunny-fun from Rabbit Fever, a film to be released this week, will be in for a surprise. The rabbit in question turns out to be a mechanised sexual aid, and the fever is what it causes in the women who use it.

Terence Blacker: Get in touch with your inner adult

Published: 15 September 2006

America leads the way down the yellow brick road to infantilism. We skip merrily behind

Terence Blacker: The funniest writer of our generation

Published: 13 September 2006

In these distinctly unfunny times, it a rare benediction to be able to enjoy one of those unexpected moments of pure comic pleasure which break through like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. It happened to me while reading this weekend's newspapers and, briefly, all was right with the world. Martin Amis was back and making me laugh.

Terence Blacker: British sport has a knack of producing unlikely heroes

Published: 08 September 2006

Crouch looked so fragile it seemed as if the slightest puff of wind would blow him off his matchstick legs and leave him in a crumpled heap

Terence Blacker: Don't shoot that puppy - take it for a walk

Published: 07 September 2006

Instead of commuting, non-office dwellers get a sense of forward movement by 'buying the papers' and 'filling the bird-feeder'

Terence Blacker: Our poor, unloved leaders need that 'cuddle factor'

Published: 06 September 2006

No politician is entirely sane. The more senior a minister becomes, the greater the need for impulse control and emotion management

Terence Blacker: The many benefits of living life the poultry way

Published: 05 September 2006

Hens who want to breed fluff out their feathers, an approach occasionally tried by humans, but rarely with the dead-eyed determination of a hen

Terence Blacker: IVF for lesbians and other topics to avoid at Balmoral

Published: 04 September 2006

The announcement by Cherie that she was going to sing a traditional Native American menstrual chant would have been a worry at the best of times

Terence Blacker: From private hell to public exploitation

Published: 01 September 2006

Would it be unspeakably heartless to suggest that, in the matter of his poor dead mum, the moment has arrived when Andrew Motion should live up to his name and move on? In 1969, Mrs Motion suffered a terrible hunting accident, and remained in a coma for three years. She died nine years later, never having left hospital.

Terence Blacker: British humour has always been in a class of its own

Published: 29 August 2006

Even now comedy hacks are no doubt churning out jokes for Christmas stocking-fillers on 'How to Be a Chav'

Terence Blacker: Deadly animal virus causes activists' rage

Published: 25 August 2006

It is sometimes difficult to resist the notion that many of those who feel most passionately about the rights of animals have picked up some ghastly virus, perhaps while rescuing beagles from a laboratory, that has eaten its way into their brains. Certainly some of the behaviour of activists bears more resemblance to that of a dog with rabies, or a heifer suffering from Mad Cow Disease, than that of most normal human beings.

Terence Blacker: I must ask Roger about that...

Published: 22 August 2006

He had such an intense, skittish engagement with life that it is hard to think of him in the past tense

Terence Blacker: Confessions of a rural porn star

Published: 18 August 2006

Hardly a weekend goes by these days without the appearance of at least one newspaper feature in which some ex-metropolitan announces that he or she had moved to the country and had found it all a terrible disappointment. The shops are far away. There are great big, roaring machines driving through cornfields. The air smells of cow-poo. Dinner-party conversation revolves around discussions about compost heaps.

Terence Blacker: The true face of alternative comedy

Published: 15 August 2006

Jim Davidson's show is filthy and, by all civilised standards, goes too far

Terence Blacker: China's latest source of cash - its wildlife

Published: 11 August 2006

These are hard times for big-game hunters. Across Africa, poachers, showing not a trace of hunting etiquette, are reducing their sporting opportunities. Zimbabwe, once a mecca for those who liked to bring down something big, has become a hopeless shambles. So the news that a country new to the game-hunting lark is about to auction off rights to shoot animals could not have been better timed.

Terence Blacker: The simple truth about our children

Published: 08 August 2006

Predictably enough, British parents emerge as dysfunctional in almost every way

Terence Blacker: Why do women still want to be losers?

Published: 04 August 2006

It is difficult not to be mildly depressed while reading about this week's triumphant women, the accidental porn star Paris Hilton and the former bank employee Helen Green.

Terence Blacker: Inane royal gossip is spreading like a rash

Published: 01 August 2006

At a time when the nation was at its most gawping and gormless in its attitude towards royalty, the comic genius Willie Donaldson invented a character called Talbot Church. A court correspondent of the most oleaginous, simpering and prurient kind, Church had as his journalistic byline "The Man the Royals Trust", and passed on vapid insider gossip in a tone of great seriousness. Prince Andrew, he revealed in a book of royal facts, often joined his brother Charles's meditation sessions and once startled orange-sheeted worshippers by levitating over a lit gas-ring in the manner of an Indian fakir.

Terence Blacker: A walk on the wild side with Margaret

Published: 28 July 2006

How the caravan industry must have cheered when it heard that a senior politician was an enthusiast of holidays on wheels. How it must have groaned when that politician turned out to be Margaret Beckett. Somehow Mrs Beckett fits the role rather too perfectly. To imagine her brewing up a cup of tea , parked in a lay-by in her Bailey Pageant Champagne, requires little imaginative effort. She has the air of a natural-born caravanner - practical, careful with money ("No, honestly, I prefer baked beans on toast"), contemptuous of luxury.

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