Simon Carr
The Sketch: If it looks like a lie, sounds like a lie, then it probably is
Published: 19 October 2007
This inheritance tax is starting to bite. Lynne Jones, in her fragrant leftiness, asked for the amount that the hastily announced policy would cost. After the Chancellor had responded opaquely she said: "The figure is £1.4bn and I'm disappointed he wasn't able to give it."
The Sketch: Five-year-old themes met with cheers of five-year-olds
Published: 18 October 2007
This just in, a double-sourced story (Tom Tittle and Tony Tattle have been working overtime). I hear that Downing Street isn't exactly briefing against our young Foreign Secretary, but they do warmly listen to and gently encourageadverse commentary.
The Sketch: EU treaties lead us all to delusions of confusions
Published: 17 October 2007
I know you don't find the Eurobabble as funny as I do, but when we propose the transposition of measures from Pillar 3 (at the time of our bulk opt-in) it matters whether the transitional items are amended measures or Schengen building measures.
The Sketch: Laughed at on his debut, Ming never really recovered from there
Published: 16 October 2007
Ming always looked a bit like a memento mori; now he lives on in at least two leaders' minds as an awful warning. To Brown, he shows it's not as easy as it looks being a party leader. And to Cameron – well, it was Ming who gave the second-best speech of the conference season.
Simon Carr: Help! I am 55 today - can I start over again?
Published: 15 October 2007
Written on the occasion of the author's 55th birthday. What if you woke up one morning and realised that everything you believed in was wrong? If it suddenly became clear that you'd lived your life under a massive misapprehension?
The Sketch: The constitution that is not a constitution
Published: 12 October 2007
"It's not a constitution," President Barroso told the Downing Street press conference. "I am a constitutional lawyer and believe me, this is not a constitution."
The Sketch: PM's image is falling to pieces before our eyes
Published: 11 October 2007
The first image that came to mind was of old Bruin, the big brown bear tied to a stake for dogs to snap at. The Prime Minister's bloody week is starting to haemorrhage.
The Sketch: One man's smile is another's smirk
Published: 10 October 2007
There was much in Darling's Comprehensive Spending Thing yesterday, in the same way there's much in the Littlewoods catalogue. Others will analyse its prudence, providence and profligacy of the Government's spending plans, but for a sketchwriter, there was no need to go past the smirk.
The Sketch: Lying is OK. But believing your lies makes you mad
Published: 09 October 2007
It wouldn't have been true either but the correct answer was: "The polls were actually the reason I didn't call the election. They showed us we'd come in with a majority very similar to what we've got now. And I thought, 'why put the country through a general election to achieve what we already have?'."
The Sketch: He had them quivering like greyhounds
Published: 04 October 2007
Horizon to horizon, blue-sky Conservatism. What a speech. It had them quivering like greyhounds. I felt my own withers being wrung from time to time. Either that or I'm getting shingles. Terrific achievement. There wasn't a word in it that any true Tory could dispute and yet it surely went out to a very wide swathe of middle England.
The Sketch: Those poor Tories, they are just so magnificently unprepared
Published: 03 October 2007
"A young Apollo, golden-haired, Stands dreaming on the verge of strife, Magnificently unprepared
The Sketch: Uninspired Gove outclassed by a doughnut
Published: 02 October 2007
Every time he said the word "values" I got a flash of the long cream doughnuts they sell in the conference cafe area. They are superb, Blackpool specimens. It's the extra fat that makes the difference. "My vision," Michael Gove said, and there they were again, with the fancy cream yellowing slightly. "A better future for every child." Mmmmm. With sugar dissolving into their gorgeous, split, deep-fried bodies. "The core values of the British people," he said; "Yes," I thought, "They're long, they're full-fat, spiked with E numbers. Those are core values we can all share."
The Sketch: Labour lures the little Tories with siren song
Published: 28 September 2007
There was a game I used to play with the children when they were young. They'd cower at the top of the stairs while I took on the role of the neighbourhood child molester. "Come here little boy," I'd coo up at them and they'd be tempted down the stairs step by step. "Come here, because I love you little boys and your lovely little toes-ies!" Then when they were just out of reach, the tone would change and I'd fling myself at their dangling feet roaring with predatory, voracious laughter.
The Sketch: Gordon would like to be seen as Mr Substance, but he talks a lot of piffle
Published: 27 September 2007
He's not very sketch-friendly, Gordon (as Mariella couldn't bring herself to call him). He really is a world-class bore. It's not clear how many people agree with this proposition, or how much of a drawback it might be. He is certainly very popular with his people in the hall, he has a moral vision, he wants the best for us all but for (I'd guess) 38 per cent of the population, watching concrete set will have more narrative interest than seeing him answering questions.
The Sketch: This is the reason people don't care about politics
Published: 26 September 2007
In the old days, whenever they were, conferences used to be political. You could see politics happening. People who were interested in politics liked that.
The Sketch: Stamina and energy... the audience, I mean
Published: 25 September 2007
"Prime Minister, can I ask you to draw your remarks to a close?" That was one sentence we were never going to hear from the chair. It was after nearly an hour of speaking that Gordon began to lay out his vision for the NHS and nostrils round the hall flared like blowholes. His people stayed with him, though, right through to the end.
The Sketch: Of all the party leaders, Ming has the most attractive wife
Published: 21 September 2007
At my time of life, it's a pleasure to see age and experience prevail over youth and enthusiasm. Ming's audience clapped until they were clapped out. So what are his advantages, now that he'll be leader for the foreseeable future?
The Sketch: Perhaps the message is that they don't want a message
Published: 20 September 2007
On the subject of the message. Why wasn't this the "4p off the basic rate of tax" conference? Vince Cable has been saying for years how unfair it is that the poorest pay the largest percentage of their wages in tax. The ground has certainly been prepared. Why don't they set out their pitch in that way we've become used to and bang on it about it?
The Sketch: Gazing into the empty well of Lib Dem philosophy
Published: 19 September 2007
Is integration or multi-cultural development a core Liberal value? How about exit controls – would the Liberals be instinctively for them or against them?
The Sketch: Are they serious about power, or really just a joke?
Published: 18 September 2007
"You seem to treat us as jokes," a Liberal lady said at the fringe meeting. "May I ask why?" That was an odd question to ask of Simon Hoggart. He is the Lifetime President of Her Majesty's Loyal Sketchwriters. But he was also chairman of his paper's fringe meeting so he visibly suppressed the first three answers that occurred to him.
The Sketch: PM ticks all the (wrong) boxes
Published: 11 September 2007
Many of us haven't yet come to terms with the new Prime Minister. The smiling is still a disturbing sight. It's not unattractive but it creates dissonance. "Who's that?" I think for a moment when the photo flashes up. He looks quite relaxed and normal, glamorous even. Otherwise it looks like Gordon Brown.
The Sketch: House sees through how Harriet works
Published: 27 July 2007
The Government has found a new rhetorical theme. The front bench uses it all the time. It makes, they think, the Tories look political, untrustworthy and weak. So, they say it about anything from terror to teaching children to read: "We're only trying to form a national consensus for the good of the country. Won't you join us? Oh, do!"
The Sketch: Brown's admirers mistake pure dullness for honesty
Published: 26 July 2007
Friends of the Prime Minister find much relief in the fact he isn't Tony Blair. They admire the detail, the thoroughness, the lack of flashy presentation. Me, I staple a "Do Not Resuscitate" sign to the back of my head when he starts talking, and go into a tactical coma.
The Sketch: Fitting facts to theory is only for the agile
Published: 25 July 2007
It's in the ordinary moments, the dull, daily exchanges, that you realise what a filthy business politics is. Not that I'm criticising. This is a neutral observation. We should be grateful, in some sense, for people who will immerse themselves in the process, but they shouldn't be surprised that not everyone wants to join them.
The Sketch: Even the Speaker can't save committee from George's seductive rage
Published: 24 July 2007
Now that's passion. I haven't seen a performance as moving since Gilda was shoved in a sack. If a little girl had rushed in with an armful of roses it wouldn't have been out of place.
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