Mattel -- I loves me some Brave & the Bold. And I think these figures are mighty swell. I understand you have to have plenty of Batmen, so I'm down with that. I'm happy to see Plastic Man, Green Arrow, Joker, Despero, B'wana Beast (!) and the others (although I'm a little baffled why you've made like 8 Gentlemen ghost figures through all your DC lines in the last 8 months). But I do have one question: WHERE THE FUCKING FUCK IS AQUAMAN?!!!!! Seriously, not one figure for the John DiMaggio-voiced badass of the seas? (Seriously, he's a fucking badass in B&tB). Not cool. Not cool at all.
Sweet Christmas, judging this contest was hard. I knew there were plenty of crappy
superheroes, and I figured you guys knew 'em all, but how to judge? How
can one man possibly trying and figure which is crappier -- having no
powers but roller skates, or having a CB radio in your head? Let's just
go to the honorable mentions:
• Cprl_kool, for informing me about Thing-on-Thing action • Aaron Alvarez, for introducing me to the NFL Superpro • Gnomemaster, for his suggestion about a Frank Miller-directed Underdog movie •
Tanner, for "So, a superhero who has brittle bones, is "psychic" and
wins all the time at canasta? Longshot is my Aunt Michelle" • CTrees, for telling me about the "All Winner's Squad" • JPyke, for his hilarious anti-Robin screed • Elrond, for "And as for you, Peter Parker, I hope you choke on those fucking wheatcakes" • Evil Monkey Pope, for realizing that the only thing Hank Pym will ever be remembered for is hitting the Wasp • DW, for "[When the Prowler] was last seen, he was getting kicked out of the Stilt-Man's
funeral. Yes, THAT Stilt-Man. As if going to the Stilt-Man's funeral
wasn't humiliating enough. And he was escorted out by the Puma. It
would be like going to an Anime Club Meeting of Tentacle Rape
Enthusiasts and then having them tell you, 'Ummm yeah...the door's over
there and maybe you should seek some help. You've got issues.'" • ZeroCorpse, for Attacko, Hasty Pudding and Sister Scissor-Limbs • Bill, for pointing out that Raptor was too stupid for the G.I. Joe cartoon, which is saying something • Davelog, for "Relampago, the first Mexican-American superhero. He's nigh invincible, but spends his days selling bags of oranges"
And now, here are some very honorable mentions, because these could easily have one, had I...er, picked them: • Zach S. for U.S. Archer, the truck-driving trucker with the CB radio in his skull • Skemono for The Red Bee, who fights crime...with two bees • edgreen86 for Skateman, who has no powers, but he does have skates, and he kicks people in the face with them But with a great box of t-shirts comes great responsibility, and I have to award it to Brion and Arm Fall Off Boy:
He only appeared once in Secret Origins #46 where he tried to join the
Legion of Superheroes. His ability, which pretty much states in his
name, is to pop off one of his arms and use it as a club...
Now, about half of you
submitted LoSH idiots like Chlorophyll Kid and Stone Boy, and, yes,
they are crappy. But think about this: Arm Fall Off Boy was too crappy
for the Legion of Super-Heroes. Now that is goddamn pathetic. As is
this tidbit from Wikipedia:
Following the Zero Hour reboot, the character appears again in Legionnaires
(vol. 4) #43 and is identified as Floyd Belkin of the planet Lallor.
Under the name Splitter, Floyd participates in the Legion's tryouts in Legionnaires
#43 and is one of five finalists, but he is denied Legion membership
after he panics and literally falls apart during the last test.
Arm
Fall Off Boy, YOU FAIL. Brion, you win. Congrats, all -- and if you have
a suggestion for this Friday's contest, please let me know in the
comments.
Playmates might have screwed the proverbial Tribble with its horrible Star Trek movie toys, but...well, their Terminator action figures look pretty horrible, too. But they have made these unbelievably awesome Terminator: Salvation role-play toys, which fill me with a great and abiding joy. Well, not so much the T-600 voice-changing mask, but the Endoskeleton bits, which you can glue to children to make them look like cyborgs. Also, thee T-600 fist missile, as I love things which fire their fists at other things. Does this happen in the movie? Was there a whole production line of Terminators that shot their fists at John Connor, and then had to stand around getting shot while their fists lay several hundred yards away? Is this why all the Terminators now carry guns? That would make sense. But nothing, nothing will ever make sense about the pictures on this Japanese advertisement for the Terminator toys; I cannot tell you how much I love the dude in the T-600 mask bowing to his boss, or the incredibly cheery girl shooting her robot fist. Ah, Japan. Sometimes you don't make me sad! Check out a few more delightfully Japanese pics over at Gizmodo.
When we last saw Kratos at the end of God of War II, he was Zeus, god of all the gods. Clearly, he gets shafted yet again, because in God of War III, he appears to be fighting his way out of Hades sans his divine might. This would probably be enough to get me to buy the game for a third time, at least if I had a PS3. Anyways, it appears Kratos now has the ability to:
• Grab enemies, and use them as a battering ram • Set the ground on fire with his silly Blades of Chaos • Use Cerebus Cerberus Gauntlets, which are like boxing gloves made of stone wolf heads • The ability to make Cyclopses (Cyclopi?) freak out and smash their allies by stabbing them repeatedly in the head • Grab on to Harpies and steer them by stabbing them, which would seem problematic to me, but of course is fine in the stab-happy world of God of War
But it's Kratos tearing the Harpy apart after he's enjoyed his little ride that sums up the game for me. Although maybe Kratos isn't just being a dick. Maybe the Harpy was making fun of him for being caked in white clown make-up. Alas, we'll never know.
The New York Toy Fair is currently going on in...uh, New York, I think, and if you're following me on Twitter, you know that I've been dreaming of exploding gorilla-sharks I'm not attending this year (although the better question is why I got to go last year, since Topless Robot had eight readers last February, but whatever). So I'm going to try to run down the highlights for the next two days, beginning with the toy of Transformers 2's Devastator, which I'm not putting after the jump because no one else is and I'm really tired.
So. I like that I can kind of tell that his limbs are indeed construction vehicles, although I don't know what the hell his massive torso is -- other that that big unicycle bot from the last trailer. But I don't like that he appears to have Mecha-Godzilla's face. It obviously lights up, but whatever. I'm trying to diss Transformers 2 anymore just because it's not G1, but c'mon -- robots should not have long, pointy noses. Ever.
Really. The first Wolverine TV spot shows off wee Wolverine, complete with his family and bone claws and Sabretooth, screwing it all up. I assume this is meant to -- and will -- sell a lot of Origin trades, and more power to 'em. but are mass audiences ready to see tiny Hugh Jackman running around in 19th century puffy shirts? Time will tell.
Like any success story, the Transformers toys have led to countless imitators. Back in the '80s, when Hasbro's robots in disguise were in the first height of popularity, the Autobots and Decepticons filled the good aisle at Toys R Us...but walk around to the next aisle over, and you would find all the weird, off-brand toys that were made to cash in on popular trends and were most likely D.T.O. (Destined To Obscurity). The numerous robot toylines that magically sprung up in the mid-1980s after Transformers hit it big could fill a book, but here are the 10 most excellent examples of toylines that tried to rip off Transformers and failed miserably.
I've had this one ready since this post, where I wondered what dregs of the DC and Marvel universes Hasbro and Mattel would be dredging up for their far-too-expansive 3 3/4-inch toylines. Because that post got me thinking how much I used to love the Avengers back in the '80s, until, for reasons that still baffle me, Dr. Druid was put in charge. Now, the problem wasn't that Dr. Druid was a third-rate Dr. Strange, who was suddenly put in charge of Thor and the other Avengers; the problem was that he was being mind-controlled by the daughter of Kang the Conquerer when his whole power was his mind. That's how much he sucked. All Dr. Druid accomplished was disassembling the Avengers long before Bendis did, and when the Avengers reformed in issue #300, it was with Captain America as U.S. Agent and Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman.
I blame Dr. Druid for that, too.
So it's your turn. Pick Marvel, or DC, or whatever, but the characters have been primarily comic book based, and they have to be seriously intended -- they can't be from The Tick or the like. As always, the rules are here, the contest ends at 3am EST on Monday, and I'm seriously looking forward to this one. Let the mean-spirited times roll, people.
Here it is, boys--the first look at the Tales of the Black Freighter animation, due on DVD on March 24th. While Watchmen fans know what they're getting, of course, I can't help but wonder what the mass audiences will think they're going to get, because I'm pretty they won't be expecting a tale of one dude on a corpse-raft occasionally fighting a shark but mostly going bat-shit crazy. They may be a little disappointed, frankly. But I'm looking forward to it. (Via MTV)
Although this is technically the week for the horribly disgusting and vile fan fiction, I've found a story that I just enjoyed too much not to share. Please rest assured that this story by angelus is an incredibly graphic tale of young Harry Potter fucking the living bejeezus out of both Hermione and Ginny, but the real vile part is the grammar and vocabulary, and the disgusting part is how easily we can imagine the author who wrote this. The story begins, I shit you not, as:
Her-hornie.
Yes. Her-hornie. That should tell you everything you need to know about what's going to happen. And yet, brave souls, there's more:
The night was once again late. Ron had gone to bed like always and
avoided Hermione like the plague. Harry looked up from his Herb
Homework and spotted Hermione's skirt, up further than it should be. No
panties were where they should have been. Harry, who had only dreamed
of these moments from Wizard porn, was most interfered. He looked at
Hermione's face and saw she was caught up in Runes for Experts. This
was for her class tomorrow. It was about midnight and Hermione was wide
awake. He began to become bored with his book, anti-dark magic for
young minds. He needed to study for tomorrows test but found more to
study in Hermione's posture. She was in one of the lounge chairs in the
common room, slightly leg wide but that slight look allowed full vision
access for Harry.
He sat there wondering what it would feel like, his shaft for the first
time tasting a women's glory, and he got hard when he thought of that
women being Hermione. He heard a movement and saw a third year girl
leave from the bathroom, they where alone for now. He thought of what
he could do to her, fuck her right here, right now. End her over and
penetrate both her holes, Harry wanted Hermione bad and for a long
time.
I may be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure the author found "a women's glory" from his mom's Harlequin romance novels, because no one else in the history of the planet has ever referred to a woman's vagina that way. The fuckery starts in earnest almost immediately, so hit the jump to continue this magical adventure.
