We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share the dumbest thing their spouse said or did. Here are the funniest stories they shared:
1. "She cleaned bird droppings off my Mercedes with a piece of steel wool."
—Anonymous, 81, Male, CA
2. "My wife once asked me how far an automobile could travel in one hour. I answered, 'It depends on how fast you're traveling.' Her 'aha' moment was priceless."
—Anonymous, 31, Female, CA
3. "My ex-husband thought you had to go to the same branch of the same bank that you deposited money in because they gave you the same exact dollar bills you deposited. Bill for bill."
—Anonymous
4. "I asked him to apologize to the kid's teacher and told him that I would have the sunflower for the class tomorrow so the kids could pull out the sunflower seeds the next day. He asked, 'Sunflower seeds come from sunflowers?'"
—Anonymous, 40s, Male, CA
5. "My ex-husband and I once got in a major argument because I had bought a gallon of chocolate milk. He truly believed chocolate milk was made from the spoiled milk stores returned."
—Anonymous, 61, Female, Colorado
6. "My husband had not grown up around dogs. One day, we were going somewhere in the car, stopped at a traffic light, and he noticed a big standard poodle sitting up in the passenger seat of the car next to us. He started laughing, and he said, 'Look at that guy wearing a dog costume!' I had to gently explain it was a real dog."
—Anonymous, 77, Female, CA
7. "She said it drove good on D (drive), but when she put it in N (neutral), night driving wouldn't let her go anywhere."
—Anonymous
8. "My ex left work before me, so I was surprised when I passed him returning home. I asked, 'What did you forget?' and he said, 'To wipe after I pooped.'"
—Anonymous, 59, Female, TN
9. "My husband came out to the waiting room at his doctor's office. He told me and everyone else in the waiting room his doctor said he needed an autopsy! I told him the doctor probably said he needed a biopsy. He argued with me in front of everyone. I was trying not to laugh and just told him to go out to the car, and I would get that scheduled ASAP!"
—Anonymous, 78, Female, Oregon
10. "My ex-husband got into an hours-long argument with me, the mother of his two children, about whether men had the same number of holes in their bodies as women. I slowly and repeatedly counted them out: two for the eyes, two for the ears, one mouth, one nose, one butt, and one for the urethra, and in women, there's one more. So men have eight, and women have nine. He just kept asking me where I was getting my data and that I cite a reputable news source."
—Anonymous, 49, Female, Colorado
11. "One day, our dogs were out playing in the yard, and one came back in the house without their electric collar. We were on our way out somewhere with our 9-year-old son, so my husband said he would look for the collar and meet us in the car in the driveway. He found the collar and was carrying it to the car, crossing the electrical line, and got a shock! When we asked him why he was carrying the collar by the electric prongs, he replied, 'I thought it only worked on dogs.' Our son and I practically wet our pants laughing."
—Anonymous, Sue, 69, CT
12. "My husband told me that men couldn't sweep (use a broom) because they weren't built properly for it. 'It's something about the way y'all's hips are shaped. It's science,' he said with absolute confidence."
—Anonymous, 61, Female, Oregon
13. "We were watching the movie Armageddon. Billy Bob Thornton played a NASA guy named Truman. My then-wife asked me if that was Harry Truman."
—Anonymous, 66, Male, New Jersey
14. "Religious people came to our front door, and when he answered it, they asked him what denomination he was. He yelled, 'I'm white, can't you tell!' and slammed the door. Shortest marriage EVER!"
—Anonymous, 18, CA
15. "My ex-wife overdrew the checking account once. When confronted, she said, 'How? There are still checks in the checkbook.'"
—Anonymous
16. "I was seven months pregnant and relaxing in a bathtub full of soapy water. My husband walked in and, with a shocked look, said, 'Do you think the baby could drown?'"
—Anonymous
17. And finally, "My now-ex said that women don't burp or pass gas! Yep, he refused to believe that our human bodies work the same way. He clearly had heard women do both, yet still maintained that women don't do it."
—Anonymous, 56, Female, Los Angeles, CA
Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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