How To Handle Having Starkly Different Politics Than Your Partner

While it's common to have fantasies about an ideal person who is like us in all ways, there are often plenty of compatible partners who nonetheless have different politics. "There is no one-size-fits-all in relationships," couples therapist Judith Aronowitz told Women.com in an exclusive talk. "It is important to understand yourself," she added. "Are you a person who tolerates differences? A dealbreaker for one couple may not be a dealbreaker for another."

All relationships will inevitably involve compromise. It's normal to have concerns about even the best of them, and it can be healthy to let some disputes go unresolved. That doesn't mean you should avoid hard conversations, since conflict avoidance can take a toll on your relationships, too. But a clear sense of your relationship's limitations means the compromises you make should be conscious, thoughtful ones. That's part of why it's so healthy to recognize and accept your own red flags. Often, how you disagree with your partner is more important than the disagreement itself. Aronowitz suggests prioritizing respectful communication and curiosity when negotiating differences of opinion. While no one should ever stay with a partner who makes them feel devalued or scared, politics don't need to be a relationship ender.

While politics can feel like a deal-breaker since they are often deeply tied to our personal values, there is usually room for nuance. "Politics are only one facet of a relationship," Judith Aronowitz told us. "Are there shared values and beliefs? Do you have life goals in common?" It may help to get more precise with your conversations and talk about specifics. If your partner identifies as a Republican and you are a registered Democrat, what does that mean to each of you in terms of policy? Will your differing opinions impact your daily lives together? "This is a very good opportunity to discuss values and life goals," Aronowitz said. "It can bring you closer to a partner and deepen the relationship. Think about the larger principles at play."

Finally, consider how forcefully you each hold your different opinions and whether there's room to simply keep your romantic life separate from your ideologies. "Boundaries will be important," Aronowitz told us. "Can you set boundaries to protect the relationship? Maybe there will be some topics that you both agree not to discuss." The specific negotiations will differ depending on your relationship, which is why it's so important to drill down to the important details and evaluate what's non-negotiable for you.

One of the quickest ways to turn political differences into irreconcilable conflict is to assume you already understand everything about your partner's beliefs. Instead, approach them with curiosity so you don't enter the conversation with judgments about their character. "Learning to agree to disagree is a skill," Judith Aronowitz told Women.com. "Minor disagreements are less likely to turn into fights if you can remain calm, respectful, and curious."

While you may be highly motivated to change your partner's mind, it's worth considering whether you are open to their influence before trying to influence them. "You can't change another person, you can only change how you approach or think about a subject," said Aronowitz, who advised brushing up on your active listening skills. "Focus on what your loved one is saying, not what your rebuttal will be," she added. "Ask open-ended questions that encourage further elaboration. Reflect and respect what someone has said. Check to make sure you heard them correctly. Try not to judge them, go for understanding instead." You might be surprised to discover a new perspective on an issue — or even just greater empathy that makes it easier to tolerate their differing beliefs.

Generally, disagreeing about politics is no different from learning to manage other differences in intimate relationships. With the right attitude, it can be an opportunity to master conflict negotiation with your partner. "Remember, understanding is not endorsing," Judith Aronowitz told us. "This can actually be a great opportunity to manage differences and navigate conflict successfully."

Prioritize communicating in a way that protects your bond. "You can maintain your connection with your partner by communicating in an honest and kind manner," she suggested. "Do not blame or attack. Try and focus on seeing another's perspective." It's also important to monitor your own well-being throughout the conversation and take a break if you feel yourself becoming heated. Making sure that you're calm will allow you to put healthier communication strategies into practice. "Once you are no longer in a regulated state, stop the conversation," Aronowitz advised. "Use skills that calm your nervous system down. Move your body, take a walk, slow down and be kind to yourself."

While there can be value in learning to love across a political divide, there are certain issues or situations where your differences may be irreconcilable. "It may be time to break up if you are being disrespected on a regular basis," Judith Aronowitz explained to Women in our exclusive talk. If you're considering it, she said you should ask yourself a few important questions: "Are you both putting in the work to understand each other and problem solve? Is there trust and balanced effort between the two of you?" While differing perspectives can be reconcilable, both partners must have the ability to disagree compassionately. Indeed, respect can be one key indicator to help distinguish between an ick and a real dealbreaker.

That said, not all political issues are created equal. While it might be possible to amicably disagree with your partner about economic policy, other issues might feel more directly tied to identity and, thus, more directly impactful to the dynamics of the relationship. For example, women may feel more sensitive to a male partner's opinions on reproductive rights. It's never worth staying with a partner whose political views make you feel unsafe — or who cannot treat your perspectives respectfully. "Abuse of any kind should be a deal breaker," Aronowitz firmly stated. "Safety is the most important. No relationship can function without an experience of safety with your partner. ... You want to feel like your core values and long-term goals align with your partner."

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.