Dom Joly
Dom Joly: Goth to golf addict: what's happening to me?
Published: 11 December 2005
There are three Gs to avoid in life: golf, gardening and gonorrhoea. Until recently, apart from a scare in Bangkok, I'd managed to avoid all three. Sadly I fear that my battlements are about to be breached, allowing the mighty River G to flow through.
Dom Joly: My life has been deleted
Published: 13 November 2005
I'm in techno-meltdown-turmoil. Somewhere deep in the Syrian desert there's a Bedouin calling all my (un-backed up) contacts on my mobile phone. If anyone I know has recently received a heavy breather in what sounded like Arabic, I'm sorry, but it wasn't me, honest.
Dom Joly: Crime and punishment in the Cotswolds
Published: 06 November 2005
Things are really changing down here in rural Poshteshire. First came the terrible news that Anne Robinson was worrying about us arrivistes and was selling her made-to- measure Barrett home and moving back up to London, presumably to be nearer her plastic surgeon. As if this wasn't enough, the Aga Saga queen, Joanna Trollope is moving out as well - apparently there are too many celebrities in the area. Good riddance to them all, I say. Let's hope London will welcome them with open arms and not wrinkle their noses at the smell of horse manure.
Dom Joly: Wild times with Charlie and Dave
Published: 30 October 2005
I was really hungover, so I didn't really notice what was going on at first. I picked up my junk mail, staggered out of my London front door, heading for the nearest Starbucks, when I heard the voices screaming questions at me: "Have you been taking cocaine in there?" "Have you ever been to Medellin?" I looked up to see a swarm of paparazzi, cameras flashing, evil eyes honing in on another kill. How did they know? Maybe Kate Moss had broken down in rehab and confessed all about our snowblind nights. So what though; I've never preached abstinence, I'm not some role model, so why should I be intimidated by this low-life rat pack? I hit back: "Yes, I take cocaine, lots of it, in big Scarface piles off naked women with loads of other celebrities. We're all at it - and proud of it. They call me the Dyson..."
Dom Joly: Heaven is... camping in the axis of evil
Published: 23 October 2005
Of all the weird and wonderful places that I've filed this column from, this one takes the biscuit. I am in my tent in the middle of the Syrian desert, 100km from Iraq, slap bang in the middle of the axis of evil.
Dom Joly: Over the dunes and far, far away
Published: 16 October 2005
Back from New Zealand for one day to try and remember the names of my children before heading off on another adventure.
Dom Joly: Sometimes you have to go with the flow
Published: 04 September 2005
I led quite a solitary childhood in Lebanon, augmenting my shrapnel collection, starting forest fires and building reasonably sized mantraps that could have broken a friends' legs, if I had had one. I suppose in hindsight that the very things I did to while away my loneliness might have helped to maintain my status as a loner. My parents come from a stand-offish era where you didn't really muck in with your kids apart from the odd game of tennis and an obsession with teaching me to swim. One of my most powerful feelings growing up was that when I had my own kids I'd come back down to their level, create adventures and live life the way they saw it. Although I've managed to do this in a big way, it has been through TV programmes and, if anything, that has kept me further apart from my two gorgeous children.
Dom Joly: Life looks different when you've got beavers to grill
Published: 31 July 2005
I am in Canada, way up north in a lakeside house full of in-laws. The heatwave here disappeared the moment we stepped off the plane. If I hear one more relative tell me that we should have been here earlier as it was so hot, I'll strangle the family chipmunk.
Dom Joly: Kate Bush may like hamsters, but I believe the world is the poorer for it
Published: 24 July 2005
Dom Joly: What's a nice couple like you doing in a dive like this?
Published: 17 July 2005
It was 98 in the shade here on Key Largo and I was dying to get into the water. The only problem was that one Scottish couple didn't have an experienced diving buddy. Five minutes later and they still didn't have an experienced diving buddy - they had me. The look of horror on their faces as they realised who I was and that "Dom Joly" was going to be partially responsible for their safety 50 feet under water was priceless. I hadn't volunteered for this. I'm here to dive down to the largest wreck in North America, the Spiegel Grove. It's an old decommissioned US Navy ship that was bought and sunk by Key Largo authorities to attract wreck divers like myself.
Dom Joly: I'm ready, willing and available. And cheap
Published: 10 July 2005
I don't really do much public charity. I prefer to keep my actions private. I did, however, have to make an exception when Sir Bob Geldof finally called me very late and I had started to wonder whether he'd forgotten me. Oh no, not Sir Bob. The idea was brilliant and simple. Replicate Lord Philip Collins's transatlantic flight between Wembley and Philadelphia during Live Aid. My mission was not to journey from London to the US to ruin Led Zeppelin's reunion gig. No, sir. Sir Bob wanted me to fly between the Greek and Libyan Live8s. A lot of people didn't see these concerts but that's just because of the self-serving media élite who decide what is fashionable.
Dom Joly: Hotels of the world: an apology
Published: 03 July 2005
Our local celebrity hideaway, Barnsley House, has surely had its fair share of weird goings-on since it opened. Last weekend they had a gay couple staying from New York. Things got a little surreal when a man dressed in a sailor's outfit turned up at reception and announced that he had been ordered as a kind of seafood takeaway.
Dom Joly: One hit-and-run incident with Michael Winner and it'll be for ever summer
Published: 26 June 2005
As promised last week, I've moved to the South of France and taken up residence in a large house just outside Grasse. By day I cruise the corniches in an unmarked stolen Rolls-Royce looking to have an unfortunate hit-and-run incident with Michael Winner. By night I drive up the coast to Monte Carlo where I do my best to break the bank. I've sadly had no luck with either project so far. My funds are going to last me another week and then I'll have to sell the Rolls and bin the fantasies for another year.
Dom Joly: Plucky Tim, unlucky Jonny and the Ashes. That's it: I'm out of here, losers
Published: 19 June 2005
Summer has finally arrived and I remember why I moved to the country in the first place. Well, I certainly remember the reason that I give to anyone who enquires down here. The actual reason, the unpleasant incident in Snappy Snaps, is best left alone. Firstly, they were not my photos. Secondly, even if they were, there is nothing weird about the subject matter. They were artistic, not that you'd expect a supergrass of a student working behind the counter at Snappy Snaps to know about that. Not that they were mine anyway, but it's the principle.
Dom Joly: Now at last I can join Liz, Sam and the Kates in the Cotswolds celebrati!
Published: 12 June 2005
There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth down in the deepest, darkest Cotswolds. As Janet Street-Porter notes, Anne Robinson has announced she is selling her house. In her article in The Daily Telegraph she seemed to be slightly resentful of what she termed "jet-set arrivistes" taking the area over. I'm sure that she couldn't have been referring to me, as I originally arrived here on a Vespa, but I am taking flying lessons so if she changed it to "dual-control Cessna arrivistes" then maybe I could make the list?
Dom Joly: Someone keeps sneaking in on me at night. I suspect it's Liz Hurley
Published: 05 June 2005
I popped down to the shop in the next village for some Valium and gin and found myself inexorably drawn to the village noticeboard near the entrance. The main attraction is the monthly list posted by the police informing residents of what crimes have been committed in the area. If you believed the media then there should be garish reports of granny bashing, gang rapes and mass murder. The reality is slightly more humdrum. Last month's highlights include: a "youth" hanging around an allotment in a suspicious manner, a pitchfork stolen from a garden shed and, worst of all, a stray dog (come to think of it, that last one might be mine, but you get the picture).
Dom Joly: Note to Health & Safety (Sky Division): fix my telly or someone will die
Published: 29 May 2005
It's only when really serious things go wrong in your life that you realise how trivial your normal worries are. Our satellite dish has been struck by lightning and we have been without television for more than 24 hours. For the first hour or so we tried to make a joke of it. I got out some candles and tried to do a magic lantern show but the children started crying and I inadvertently set fire to my makeshift theatre. We eventually put the kids to bed three hours early as we didn't really know what else to do with them. Stacey and I then sat staring at the big blank screen trying to think of what to do. You townies take TV for granted but in the country it's literally a matter of life and death. In the great power cut of 2002 the domestic murder rate in Swindon rose a staggering 200 per cent over two days. Down here there's really very little else to do but murder a close relative if the TV is on the blink.
Dom Joly: Sorry, son, but this time I've blown it. Or blown into it, to be precise
Published: 22 May 2005
My son, Jackson, had his first birthday last week. As my daughter, Parker, put it: "He's gone from none to one". He shares similarities with the Queen. Not a penchant for wearing silly hats; rather, that he has at least three birthdays. His proper birthday is spent at home with close members of the family and a couple of his special friends. The next day sees a slightly bigger event where the village and local dignitaries are ushered in to pay their respects and leave presents in exchange for some warm sherry. He finally has his official birthday at the weekend where godparents and a large group of similarly young friends come round for smoked salmon roulades, champagne and games. He's only one and he's got more friends and hangers-on than I've amassed in a lifetime. By next year he's going to have his own PA who can organise it all.
Dom Joly: Oh, the shame of having to dust off one's rock-star gym and actually use it
Published: 15 May 2005
Summer holidays are approaching and the idea of parading round a lake in our swimming trunks is terrifying the Joly household. We are off to Canada for three weeks, to relatives who do four or five triathlons a day and strut around the sun deck in tight little Speedos.
Dom Joly: I have nothing to declare but my genius and a whopping great penguin suit
Published: 08 May 2005
