Footballers Are Idiots

Here at FootballersAreIdiots.co.uk, we like nothing better than a dose of self-delusion and they don’t come more deluded than Stan Collymore.

One of football’s great wasted talents, last seen on the pitch back in 2001 but rarely out of the media spotlight since, Stanloi is prepared to make a comeback at the age of 35.

The girlfriend-beating dogging fanatic is frenetically completing a three-week training session in Tenerife in order to make his great return to the Premiership.

All he needs is a willing (read desperate) taker.

After an awesome spell at Nottingham Forest and a decent enough one at Liverpool, Stan was never that good following moves to Aston Villa, Fulham, Leicester, Bradford and finally Real Oviedo.

So what he thinks he can achieve in a faster, harder and more competitive Premiership than it was when he hung up his boots five years ago only he will know, but it would certainly be hilarious to watch.

Despite his lack of involvement and as ridiculous a comeback may sound, Martin Tyler’s commentary of “Barnes… Rush… Barnes… Collymore CLOSING IIIIIIINNNNN” during Liverpool’s 4-3 win over Newcastle back in the late 1990s will be echoing in some managers ears.

Neil Warnock, at Sheffield United, loves to have a large quota of non-goal scoring strikers on the books while Sam Allardyce can never resist a “big name” freebie, even if they turn out not to be very good - Mario Jardel, anyone?

A shock announcement could be imminent but in the meantime, look back at when Stan was the man

Following Paul Scholes’ venture into alleged homophobia last week, Rio Ferdinand didn’t want to miss out on football’s latest trend and nailed his colours firmly to the mast on national radio.

The random drug test dodger sparked a row when her branded Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles a ‘faggot’ during some banter between the pair on the breakfast show.

Referring to two United players by their nicknames, Moyles asked: ”If you had to, who would you rather go out with - Smudger or Scholesy?”

Ferdinand replied: “That is not my bag that, that is not my game, talking about going out with geezers.”

Moyles jokingly suggested he would always prefer ex Leeds United striker Smith over ginger Scholes, Ferdinand declared: “You’re a faggot.”

As the production team in the studio expressed shock and disbelief, England international Ferdinand quickly backtracked and with: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not homophobic”.

Not much. As long as those ‘dirty queers’ don’t come anywhere near you eh, Mr Ferdinand?

Striker Aleksandr Shirko, who plays for Russian whipping boys FC Shinnik Yaroslavl made the headlines over the weekend for doing what Eric Cantona did 10 years ago.

No, not putting in displays of sheer excellence on the pitch and scoring sublime goals, but getting into the crowd and giving someone a damn good hiding.

Bottom club Shinnik were walloped 6-1 at home against Rostov and the players endured plenty of abuse throughout the match from their own fans.

Shirko obviously took more offence than most and after the match, waded into the crowd to dish out a little Iron Curtain justice.

Watch Shirko wallop some Russian loudmouth

I’m talking about a dive. From one Spurs great to another, summer signing Didier Zokora took one of the most blatant dives seen in the Premiership in order for floundering Spurs to earn victory against Portsmouth.

As soon as he was in the penalty area, Zokora took an elegant tumble despite being nowhere near closest challenger Pedro Mendes and the referee, with an unhindered view, gave the penalty.

Striker Jermain Defoe did his best to miss from the spot but his effort was just beyond the reach of Pompey keeper David James.

View this master class in cheating from the Ivory Coast’s finest

Mick McCarthy saw his Wolves side trounced 4-0 against Championship leader Cardiff City on Saturday but it wasn’t the first time a team under his management came unstuck at Ninian Park.

The first half sending off of defender Gary Breen with the score at 0-0 was reminiscent of when McCarthy took his Sunderland side to South Wales in February 2004.

That afternoon, defender Joachim Bjorklund received a straght red after 17 minutes and the Bluebirds went on to hammer the Black Cats 4-0.

It seems that in football lightning does strike twice.

Not really an “idiot” story as such but rather an example of a German attempt at what we call “humour”.

Werder Bremen goalkeeper Tim Wiese had a small glass bottle with a smashed neck thrown at him during their derby match against Hamburg.

What could have been a particularly nasty incident was played down rather by the man on the tannoy who announched:

“Don’t send Wiese any more drinks”.

Priceless.

Manchester City bad boy Joey Barton is in trouble yet again after baring his spotty arse to Everton fans after the final whistle.

After City snatched a last gasp equaliser through another FootballersAreIdiots.co.uk favourite Micah Richards, Barton celebrated with his own supporters before mooning at the Everton faithful.

Why can’t Barton behave himself? The hot-head from Liverpool attracts trouble like the Fonz attracts ‘hot chicks’.

In 2004, he stubbed out a cigar in youth player Jamie Tandy’s eye and then broke the leg of a pedestrian while driving in May 2005.

He got two for the price of one in July 2005 when he managed to get into a fight with a 15-year-old Everton fan and had an altercation with team-mate Richard Dunne which saw the defender injure his foot.

That summer saw Barton fork out over £120,000 in club fines and this latest episode in his Hall of Shame is also likely to be a costly one.

See Barton make an arse of himself here

Manchester City defender and elbow enthusiast Ben Thatcher will not face police charges after hospitalising Portsmouth’s Pedro Mendes.

Mendes, who was knocked unconscious on impact and suffered a seizure as physios tried to resuscitate him on the sidelines, insisted the incident was dealt by the FA and not the police so they had no choice but to let the matter drop.

Instead, occasional Welshman Thatcher will get away with an eight match ban (with a further 15 match ban suspended) and fined six week’s wages.

Justice, I’m sure you will all agree. Ahem.

Relive the horror elbow here

Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has opened a can of worms by allegedly calling referee Frank De Bleeckere a “flipping homosexual” (or something to that effect) after he was booked inside 10 minutes during United’s midweek win at Benfica.

In today’s PC climate, Scholes could have perhaps used a more acceptable insult, such as questioning the marital status of the referee’s parents. However, non-PC or not, the reaction to Scholes’ gaff has been nothing short of hilarious.

Former Labour MP Peter Tatchell, now filling his days with British gay human rights group OutRage!, said: “We urge Paul to apologise and to express his opposition to homophobia.

This, in itself seems a reasonable enough request and rightly so, but Tatchell’s call for Scholes to “attend a training course on homophobia” if he is found to have made the remark is a bit much.

What nonsense goes on at such courses (paid for at the tax payer’s expense, no doubt)? Do the organisers get out the ”Cabaret” dvd, sing a few numbers from “the shows” and then down a few Cosmopolitans?

Utterly ridiculous. It’s unlikely Scholes will be welcome in Canal Street any more and may find himself run out of town should he try and get a drink there.

Although if he shouts “chase me, chase me” while being followed in hot pursuit that may be taking things a little too far.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho is fast becoming a parody of himself. The ‘Special One’ as he likes to be known is more like ‘Special Education’ if he actually believes the latest garbage he spouted out to Portuguese magazine Maxima.

Deluded Mourinho believes he is one of the reasons Chelsea is “almost self sufficient” and was quoted as saying:

“Call me vain, but I produce because there are titles and, in conjunction with them, merchandising in an incomparably superior proportion to what existed before I came here.”

Surely Mourinho can’t be foolish enough to believe that Chelsea FC, as a business, is financially self sufficient, rather than being bankrolled by the personal fortune of a Russian sugar daddy?

Indeed, this article claims Chelsea may face legal curbs to clamp down on the ridiculous spending which has seen them make a loss of £228 million since Roman Abramovich took over in 2003.

Has Mourinho considered the consequences should Abramovich decide to pull the plug? Idiot.