Why Do People Lie? Plus 11 Tips for Coping When They Do

Of course, some lies are bigger than others. Skirting the truth about a bad haircut is different from hiding an affair. But it can be difficult to stay even-keeled when you suspect a loved one is hiding the truth, no matter how small the lie.

Why People Lie

Lying is a complex social behavior with many possible motivations, says Laura Sgro, LCSW, a Los Angeles–based therapist. It falls on a spectrum, from innocuous to destructive. “Although intent does not trump impact, it’s worth considering the intention of the lie, as well as the context you have about the person,” she says.

Other-oriented lies, often called white lies, are common in relationships. One example is telling a friend you love their gift. “It’s meant to protect someone’s feelings or benefit them in some way. The intention behind this type of lie is often well-meaning,” Sgro says.

11 Tips for Coping When Someone Lies to You

When you believe someone has lied to you, it’s natural to feel hurt or betrayed. But before you confront them, here are a few steps that therapists recommend taking first.

1. Consider the Source

When facts don’t add up, your first instinct may be to assume someone is lying to hurt you, and you may approach them with that energy, says Jordan A. Conrad, PhD, LCSW, a therapist based in New York City.

Before you react, ask yourself who this person is to you. “Anchor your response to the type of person they are. For example, a close friend who is typically supportive of you merits a different kind of response than a colleague who is constantly putting you down,” he says.

2. Look Inward

It’s worth asking yourself how you would have reacted to the truth, says Dr. Conrad, whether it was a simple lie about liking your haircut, or something more serious, like a friend backing your idea for a bold career move even though they thought it was a bad idea.

“If every time a friend tells you something you don’t want to hear you get angry, you should expect people to start omitting details or even lying to you. It’s important to be honest with yourself about the standard you’re holding them to,” says Conrad.

3. Document the Evidence

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that makes you doubt your own memory or perception. If someone is gaslighting you, journaling about your perspective and documenting the evidence can help.

“Some people who lie are skilled in dismantling your sense of reality, so documentation is an excellent tool to stay grounded in your own perspective,” says Sgro.

4. Plan Before You Confront Someone

Before confronting someone, identify the main points you want to get across and practice saying them out loud. “When emotions are heightened, it’s easy to lose focus and get sidetracked. Rehearsing beforehand helps you stay anchored,” says Sgro.

5. Practice Compassion

Remember, the situation could be a misunderstanding. If you decide to confront someone about a lie, lead with goodwill and give the other person a chance to explain. “Share how you found out about the lie and ask for their take on it. Accusing someone of something big requires big evidence,” says Conrad.

6. Stay Levelheaded

Even if you’re faced with a significant lie, try to remain calm. You don’t want to walk away from a conversation feeling like you became a version of yourself that you don’t respect. “Your emotions are valid and you deserve an outlet for them, but if you’re breaking down and behaving in a way you will regret, it doesn’t help,” says Conrad.

7. Discuss Your Boundaries With the Person Who Lied

Setting boundaries is important in any relationship, especially one that’s been fractured by lying. Boundaries aren’t about telling someone else what to do, as you can’t change another person’s behavior, says Sgro. “It’s about you setting clear expectations about what will happen if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries.”

8. Carve Out Time to Recover

From white lies to big omissions, lying covers a broad swath of mistruths — and the reactions to those lies can be just as varied. You may feel annoyed or hurt or downright shaken. Take time to process your feelings by journaling or sharing what happened with a trusted confidant.

A big lie, like an affair, will likely take longer to collect your thoughts. “When it feels like your reality has been shaken, doing things that you enjoy is a great way to stay connected to yourself,” says Sgro. Try grounding exercises like deep breathing to soothe your nervous system, she adds.

9. Talk With a Therapist

Therapy doesn't always have to be a last resort or long-term commitment. It can be situation-specific and end when the issue feels resolved.

If lying has caused a wedge between you and your partner, a neutral third party can help you process difficult emotions. They may be able to help you explore where you want the relationship to go from here. “I recommend couples therapy to examine each person’s feelings, underlying needs, and expectations of one another with someone who can help mediate communication and help guide you toward potential reconciliation,” says Sgro.

10. Consider if You’ll Give the Person a Chance to Rebuild Trust

Being lied to can initiate a grief process, which takes time to work through, says Sgro. But if the other person demonstrates accountability and understands how the lie hurt you, that’s a good sign. “If not, it may be difficult to move forward in the relationship. Sometimes the most helpful solution is to distance yourself,” she adds. Either way, there’s no need to rush.

11. Set Realistic Expectations

Some people may continue to lie to you. Being realistic about what you can and can’t count on them for will save you future heartache, says Conrad. “You can keep the person in your life in a role that doesn’t require that you rely on them to tell the truth.”