When I was young, and I would say stupid things, my Mom would look at other people with this sort of regretful look on her face and say, “I’m so sorry. He’s an unfinished product.” Mom is rarely around to apologize for me now, but sadly, I still say stupid things – though with practice, I hope I do it less than I used to.
I've spent the last few years helping my
University of Pennsylvania Carey Law School students use Positive Psychology to help professionals conceive of and construct a life of thriving, at work and in life. There are several frameworks for thriving, but my favorite, and the one I use for myself is Martin Seligman’s PERMA framework, which has shown that people who report higher levels of Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment are happier with their lives. It’s a practical and clear framework that helps us consider where we can make impactful changes to enhance our lives.
But I’ve always felt that PERMA leaves an important detail unspoken that’s particularly necessary for high-achieving professionals (i.e., perfectionists with impostor syndrome). So I always add a 6th component when I teach PERMA: Self-acceptance. Because it would be an irony of the highest order if the pursuit of thriving was used as proof that there’s something wrong with us.
Self-acceptance is the ability to maintain a generally positive attitude about yourself while ALSO accepting multiple aspects of who we are, both good and bad. I’d summarize it as “I’m far from perfect, but I’m OK and I’m trying to grow.”
Recently, 100+ leading scholars across disciplines set out to create a shared definition for the core dimensions of positive mental health. After multiple rounds of expert review, they reached consensus on six dimensions of positive mental health: Happiness, Life satisfaction, Connection, Meaning and Purpose, Autonomy, and . . . Self-acceptance!
The authors define positive mental health, in part, as the ability to “view ourselves favourably.” (They're Australian.) In other words, thriving isn’t being perfect. It’s something you experience as you grow. And the fact that we can always grow and improve does not mean that we are perpetual problems in need of fixing. It means we are, to use my Mom’s phrase, “unfinished products,” perpetual learners improving our skill at building a life with others at home, at work, and in our communities.
This has practical implications for how we approach success. I teach teams about skills and practices that elevate individual and team work, relationships, and outcomes. We'd all like to be perfect, but we can only start from where we are today and go from there. (BTW, opportunities for growth do NOT imply that we’re not pretty great to start with!)
As you consider thriving for yourself and those around you, think about helping people strive for growth while accepting who they are - and make sure to do the same for yourself. Because we're all just "unfinished products."