175 Funny Quotes That Are Laugh-Out-Loud Good

There’s nothing funnier than a well-timed wisecrack, corny one-liner or solid dad joke. Even when they’re bad, they’re still good, which is why we love them.

If you’re on the hunt for a funny quote to send in a text, post on Instagram or simply need a bit of comic relief, you’ll find a comprehensive collection below. Among them are laugh-out-loud quotes from comedians, writers, movies, sitcoms, books and other comedy gold mines.

For instance, you may remember Carrie Bradshaw’s (Sarah Jessica Parker) famous quote from “Sex and the City” in which she says, “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”

Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

If you like those funny lines, you’re going to love this hilarious roundup of entertaining quotes and funny sayings that pretty much cover all the comedy basics, including family, work, life, aging, nature and just about every other topic deserving of a sendup.

From Jim Carrey and Conan O'Brien to Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton, these funny quotes are bound to leave you in stitches for the foreseeable future.

Funny Quotes

• “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock 
• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin
• “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”
• “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”
• “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams 

• “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir
• “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin
• “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”
• “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde

• “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”
• “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz

• “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher
• “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
• “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek
• “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy
• “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends”
• “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg

• “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz
• “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers
• “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” — Dolly Parton
• “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine
• “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory” 

• “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers”
• “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda"
• “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov
• “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin
• “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”
• “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery?’” — Jay Leno
• “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

Funny Quotes About Family

• “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien
• “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall
• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
• “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey
• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
• “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” 

• “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck

• “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
• “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William
• “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory”
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
• “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda

• “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke

• “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron
• “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West
• “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”

• The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin
• “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde
• “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
• “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns
• “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World”
• “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine

Funny Movie Quotes

• Dr. Rumack: “Can you fly this plane and land it?” Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.” Dr. Rumack: “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” — “Airplane!”

• “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander”

• “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids”
• “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”
• "The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family." — Thornton Melon, "Back to School"

• “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”

• “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy”

• “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)
• “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”
• “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack” 
• “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”
• “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite”

• “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember”

• “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref”
• “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”
• “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”
• “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball”
• “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly”

• “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ... ” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux”
• “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret”

Funny Quotes About Aging

• “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer
• “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David
• “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler
• “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller
• “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton

• “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
• “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls”
• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns
• “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White
• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

• “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

• “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt
•  “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
• “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom
• “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.��� — Redd Foxx

• “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!”

• “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin
• “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball
• “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel
• “It must be around forty, when you’re ‘over the hill.’ I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres
• “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes
• “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns
• “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours”

Funny Quotes About Nature

• “Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year.” — Chad Sugg
• “Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.’” — Robin Williams
• “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, “The Office”
• “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben
• “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers”
• “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven

• “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”
• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
• “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright

• “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward
• “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
• “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney

• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
• “To hike is to complain.” — Dean Johnston
• “When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.” — Susan Heller
• “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain
• “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” — Joan Rivers
• “Camping is not a date; it’s an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.” — Yvonne Prinz, “The Vinyl Princess”

Funny Quotes About Life

• “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants”

• “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”
• “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing ... I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
• “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown
• “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David

• ​​“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

• “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle
• “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls”
• “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett
• “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz

• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
• “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

• “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson
• “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford
• “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion”

• “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids”
• “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp
• “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield

• “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”
• “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick
• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Funny Quotes About Work

• “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben
• “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb
• “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome 
• “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis
• “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada”

• “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
• “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”
• “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
• “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost
• “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain
• “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns

• “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
• “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone
• “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton
• “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields
• “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
• “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor

• “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley

• “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
• “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”
• “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater”
• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti 
• “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams

• “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi 
• “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald
• “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates
•  “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
• “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
• “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

• “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali
• “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner 
• “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain
• “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh”
• “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx