Understanding Emotional Triggers at Work

Two decades ago, I built this framework because I needed it. I was leading change in a sector notorious for vehemently resisting it — and I was in a role that, truthfully, I wasn’t ready for. Every day, I felt pulled between two voices: “I know we can do this.” and “Oh, what’s the point?” It was disorienting. Some days, I felt unstoppable — brimming with ideas, passion, and conviction. The next, I questioned everything, slipping toward exhaustion and doubt. Out of sheer necessity, I started mapping these inner tensions, trying to understand how the same qualities that fueled my drive could also quietly sabotage me when pushed to extremes. Over the past twenty years, I’ve refined that map into a framework I now use with leaders guiding complex transformations all over the world. And this week, I had the privilege of sharing it in my latest Harvard Business Review article: https://lnkd.in/eqi6Ybmf The article explores five core dimensions — voice, ideas, passion, discontent, and conviction — and how they oscillate between agency (the force that propels action) and ambivalence (the doubt that pulls us back). The goal isn’t to eliminate that tension — it’s to learn to ride it. If you’ve ever led change and felt that same inner conflict, full of belief one day and bone-tired the next, this piece is for you. #Leadership #ChangeManagement #EmotionalIntelligence #Resilience #LeadingThroughChange

Have you ever stopped to think about how your childhood experiences show up at work? Maybe you had a parent who, when you made a mistake, gave you that sharp, self-critical “what is wrong with you?” glare. Maybe you’re not even sure you remember it. It’s more like a feeling. A flash of tightness in your chest. A heaviness that shows up when you get feedback or feel dismissed. Here’s the thing: triggers aren’t just about what’s happening now. They’re about what happened then. When you feel criticized, rejected, or dismissed at work, it’s not just about the present moment. It’s about everything that moment brings up from the past. Maybe you freeze, shut down, or feel paralyzed. Or maybe you snap back, get defensive, or raise your voice. That’s not you being irrational or dramatic. It’s your brain doing exactly what it was wired to do — to protect you from something that once felt too big or overwhelming. Triggers are stories from our past replaying in the present moment. They’re emotional echoes of experiences you may not even fully remember. But your body remembers. And it reacts — trying to protect you from feeling “not enough” all over again. Understanding your triggers isn’t about “dwelling” in the past — and it isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about recognizing when old patterns from your childhood are playing out in your adulthood. Because once you see them, you can carve out a different path forward.

Most of our interactions—especially the difficult ones—are negotiations in disguise. In their book Beyond Reason, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro highlight how success in these conversations often comes down to addressing core concerns—deep, often unspoken emotional needs that shape how people engage. These concerns are: Appreciation, Affiliation, Autonomy, Status, and Role. Ignore them, and you’ll likely face resistance, disengagement, or frustration. Acknowledge and address them, and you create the conditions for stronger relationships, better problem-solving, and more win-win outcomes. I’ve learned this the hard way. Appreciation A senior leader I worked with was frustrated by pushback from his team. The problem? He was so focused on driving results that he rarely acknowledged their efforts. Once he started genuinely listening and recognizing their contributions, engagement skyrocketed. The team felt heard, and collaboration improved instantly. Affiliation A new CEO walked into a fractured leadership team—siloed, political, and mistrusting. Instead of pushing quick solutions, she focused on rebuilding connections, creating shared experiences, and reinforcing that they were one team. The shift in culture transformed their ability to work together. Autonomy A department head was drowning in tactical decisions because his team constantly sought approval. By clearly defining goals, setting guardrails, and empowering them to make decisions, he freed up his time and saw his team step up with more confidence and accountability. Status A high-potential leader felt overlooked and disengaged. His boss didn’t give him a raise or a new title but started including him in key strategic meetings. That simple shift in visibility changed everything—he became more invested, more proactive, and took on bigger challenges. Role A VP was struggling, not because of a lack of skill, but because she was in the wrong seat. When her boss recognized this and shifted her to a role better suited to her strengths, she thrived. Sometimes, people don’t need a promotion—they need the right role. Before a tough conversation or leadership decision, check in: - Am I recognizing their efforts? - Making them feel included? - Giving them autonomy? - Acknowledging their status? - Ensuring their role fits? Addressing core concerns isn’t about being nice—it’s about unlocking the best in people. When we do, we create better conversations, stronger teams, and real momentum. #Conversations #Negotiations #CoreConcerns #Interactions #HumanBehavior #Learning #Leadership #Disagreements

When trauma is triggered, the brain can shift into a state where past emotional memories become highly active in the present. This is not necessarily literal age regression, but a form of emotional reactivation where earlier patterns of feeling and coping are brought online. Because traumatic memories are often stored with strong sensory and emotional components, the reaction can feel immediate, intense, and out of proportion to the current situation. Neuroscience research shows that during these moments, areas like the amygdala become highly active while regulatory regions of the prefrontal cortex may become less engaged. This makes it harder to distinguish between past and present, which is why responses can feel automatic and overwhelming. The body may react as if the original threat is happening again, even when the current environment is safe. Understanding this process can help reframe these reactions. They are not signs of weakness or immaturity, but learned survival responses that were once adaptive. With awareness, regulation skills, and therapeutic support, individuals can learn to pause, recognize the trigger, and respond from their present context rather than from past patterns. Approaches such as trauma focused therapy, grounding techniques, and emotional regulation strategies aim to strengthen this ability over time. The goal is not to erase past experiences, but to reduce their automatic influence on present reactions and restore a sense of control and stability. 📚 References American Psychological Association Trauma and stress related responses https://lnkd.in/g2T3Pb2y Amygdala and Prefrontal Cortex role in emotion regulation Van der Kolk B Trauma and memory processing research LeDoux J Emotional brain and fear processing https://lnkd.in/gjQdXhhy

Regulating your nervous system is a career builder. Our brains were originally wired for survival. When we perceive a threat, our cave-person amygdala activates a fight or flight response. This mechanism evolved to keep us alive, not to help us reason through a tough meeting. In modern work environments, critical feedback or public disagreement can be misinterpreted as a threat to status or safety. Once that alarm is triggered, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning and self-regulation, goes partially offline. The result is an emotional reaction that can feel disproportionate to the “real” situation. Withdrawing under pressure is a natural instinct. When the nervous system is flooded, shutting down can feel like a safe option. However, in an important meeting or decision, withdrawal can create more problems. It can erode trust and leave conflicts unresolved. Over time, repeated cycles of this can create feelings of chronic stress. “I don’t want to go to this meeting.” Managing reactions to feedback and conflict is about regulating your nervous system in the moment. One effective strategy is to pause before responding. Even a slow breath can reduce physiological arousal enough for the prefrontal cortex. “You got this.” Another is cognitive reframing: consciously labeling feedback as information, not a verdict. Asking a clarifying question, such as “What would good look like here?”, can shift the interaction from threat to joint solving. Staying engaged during the heat is a learned skill. Over time, practicing staying calm and engaged can retrain the brain to handle workplace friction. The goal is not to eliminate all emotional reactions, but to respond more deliberately, especially when the instinct to withdraw feels strong.

Rejection after a serious interview is rarely about capability. More often it comes down to fit, timing, or how effectively you communicated your strengths. Those are very different issues, yet most of us experience them as the same thing. When a dream role slips away, it feels personal. But what hurts most is not the decision itself. It’s the story we tell ourselves about what it means. The fear that you misread your potential. The fear that this was your one shot. The fear that you should pull back instead of trying again. That is where we go wrong. Rejection is not a verdict. It is information, and your next step depends on interpreting it correctly. When a role does not work out, try diagnosing the outcome through two lenses: 👉 Skill gap There was a core capability you had not built yet. This is fixable with practice, training, or targeted experience. 👉 Signal gap Your background was strong, but the way you framed your experience was unclear. Your examples did not highlight the strengths the hiring team needed to see. These are different challenges, and knowing which one applies saves you months of guesswork. Career progress is almost never blocked entirely. It is often redirected. Competitors hire for similar roles. Adjacent positions develop the right skills. Vendors, partners, and feeder teams can be strategic pathways into the work you want to do. And if the company truly mattered to you, stay visible. Send a thoughtful note. Track their growth. Keep the relationship warm. Timing shifts faster than most people realize. Rejection does not define your potential. It reflects alignment at a single moment in time. People who stay stuck internalize that moment. People who move forward learn from it and keep going. Follow for clear, steady thinking about career strategy.

Struggling with team member who gets defensive to feedback? I feel you. It's really tricky to address. Here's the scenario (which is fictional and any resemblance to an actual person or event is purely coincidental): Your team member's attention to detail is poor, and they keep making errors. You want to help them improve, and you know you need to address it because it's impacting the team's credibility. But every time you bring it up, they get defensive, blame others, or make excuses. Where leaders often go wrong is that they double down on trying to solve the attention to detail problem. They approach it from all different angles, but get the same response each time. Instead, they need to identify the real problem which is (drum roll plz): defensiveness. You can't solve the attention to detail issue until you solve the defensiveness issue. So you need to switch gears and focus on that, which brings us to the messy part...How do you even address defensiveness? Step 1) Ask them how they like to receive feedback Before you have the conversation, ask them how they prefer to receive feedback so you can tailor it to be more likely to land well. Step 2) Speak to their goals Connect the conversation back to their career or personal goals and how defensiveness will hold them back from getting there. Talk about the impact of the behaviour and share examples of how it sounds and what it looks like when it shows up. 3) Spell out the behaviours you need more of: curiosity and ownership The antidote to defensiveness is curiosity. That's the first behaviour you need to build with this person. When people stay curious, they are far less likely to become defensive. The next behaviour is ownership. Invite the person to own their part and talk through what curiosity and ownership look like in practice. Sometimes that can sound like: Can you help me understand what you’re seeing? Can you give me a specific example? What would you like me to do differently next time? Step 4) Get future focused In the conversation, speak to the antidote behaviours you want to see more of in future. As they build more curiosity and ownership, the less defensiveness you'll see. #leadership #peopleandculture #HR

💥 5 Reasons You Didn’t Get the Job (That Have NOTHING to Do with You) If you’ve ever walked out of an interview thinking: 😞 “I must’ve messed that up…” 😞 “Maybe I’m just not good enough…” You’re not alone — especially if you’re a migrant or international student trying to build a career in Australia. But here’s the truth: - Sometimes it’s not you at all. It’s them. Let’s talk about 5 totally common reasons you didn’t get the job — and why it might actually have nothing to do with your skills, experience, or English. 1️⃣ They already knew who they wanted to hire. Yep. Sometimes the job ad is just a “formality.” They already had someone internal or someone’s cousin lined up — and you never really had a chance. It doesn’t mean you did badly. It means you were never really in the race. 2️⃣ They didn’t want to train anyone. Even if you were 90% perfect, they didn’t want to train someone on that one software or tool. It’s not that you couldn’t learn — they just wanted someone who had already done the exact same job before. (Which, honestly? Says more about them than you.) 3️⃣ The interviewer wasn’t prepared. I’ve seen this a lot. They skimmed your resume last-minute. Asked vague questions. Had no idea how to actually assess your strengths. That’s not your fault. That’s poor process. 4️⃣ They had unrealistic expectations. They wanted 10 years of experience for an entry-level salary. They wanted someone who was already perfect. You’re not the problem — their ad was. And probably, so is their workplace culture. 5️⃣ They were overwhelmed or disorganised. The role got frozen. Someone went on leave. They didn’t follow up. You never heard back. Again — not about you. 💬 The point is this: Rejection doesn’t always mean you weren’t good enough. Sometimes, the system just isn’t working in your favour. So please don’t give up. ✅ Keep applying. ✅ Keep learning. ✅ Keep showing up. The right job will see your value. You just have to stay in the game. — I’m a career and communication coach who supports migrant professionals and international students in Australia to build real confidence, communicate clearly, and get the job they deserve. ✉️ DM me if you’d like help staying on track. You don’t have to do this alone. #JobSearchSupport #MigrantCareers #ConfidenceBoost #InterviewTips #JobRejection #CareersInAustralia #InternationalStudents #YouAreNotAlone #CareerCoachAustralia #workinaustralia #sponsoredvisa #migratettoaustralia #australianjobsearch

Employees don't leave jobs, they leave feelings. When talented people walk out the door, the exit interview rarely captures the real story. I've seen it time and again over my years in leadership... → It's rarely about salary → It's rarely about workload → It's rarely about the competition The truth lies deeper, in how we make our people feel every day. In my experience leading teams through transformation, I've observed that employees stay where they feel valued and leave where they feel diminished. The emotional experience of work matters more than we acknowledge. Your team members are silently asking: • Do you see my contributions? • Do you value my expertise? • Do you hear my ideas? • Do you notice my extra efforts? • Do you support my growth? • Do you treat me with dignity? • Do you allow me autonomy? • Do you care about my wellbeing? When the answer to these questions is "no" too often, the resignation letter is already being drafted in their mind. I made this mistake early in my career. I focused on metrics and deadlines while overlooking the human element. I lost exceptional talent because I failed to recognize their need to feel significant. Today, I build teams differently. I've learned that psychological safety isn't a soft luxury, it's a business imperative. Companies with environments where people feel seen, heard and valued outperform their competitors consistently. The solution isn't complex, but it requires intention: ✓ Regular meaningful 1:1 conversations ✓ Genuine recognition of contributions ✓ Creating space for all voices ✓ Following through on commitments ✓ Supporting professional development ✓ Modeling respectful behavior ✓ Trusting people to do their work ✓ Prioritizing mental wellbeing What one action could you take today to improve how your team feels at work? Because when people feel valued, they don't just stay, they thrive, innovate and drive your organization forward.

We trusted them. That made the dispute worse. I spoke on a panel recently about dispute resolution. The very first question came to me: “𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗮𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗲, 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗶𝗴𝗵?” I said: Because not all trust protects you. Some of it actually makes things worse. The silence in the room spoke volumes. We like to believe trust is a buffer. That it makes relationships “safe.” But in practice, I’ve seen it do the opposite. Trust, when it’s shallow, mismatched, or never stress tested, can give you a false sense of security. Then conflict hits, and everything fractures. Some trust can survive pressure. Some gets exposed by it. Here’s what I’ve seen over and over again: → 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 can be rebuilt → 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 takes the longest to repair → 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 (“they’ll deliver”) is resilient → “𝗡𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝘆𝗲𝘁” 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 often the most dangerous. → 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 (“they have our best interests at heart”) is vulnerable And in high-stakes negotiations or long term partnerships, most people 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆’𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝘂𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴. They just assume it’s strong, until it's tested! For relationships to survive disputes Don’t avoid tension. Build for it. → Create psychological safety → Track trust in real-time, not just in retros → Structure contracts for repair, not just prevention → Make it okay to raise concerns 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 the damage is done Trust isn’t avoiding discomfort. It’s knowing how the relationship holds when a dispute shows up. So the question worth asking isn’t: - “𝘋𝘰 𝘸𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳?” - It’s “𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥?” That’s where the real relationship lives. I’d like to hear from you: What’ve you seen help (or harm) trust during a dispute? Let’s raise the bar for how trust is built 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱. ----------------------------------------------- My free newsletter is where I share the expert stuff that doesn’t fit in a post. One email a week - focused, useful, and real. Join me: https://lnkd.in/gseUj6US